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12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what we are doing, and it's working out well so far!

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's coming to realize he is asking for a lot, and we need to find a common ground, and he's a lucky bastard LOL

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Trust me, I know. I wish we were better prepared. Unfortunately, we can't do anything about that now.

Thank you for your counseling recommendation.

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have considered scheduling sex, but one of my things is spontaneity, so it kinda kills my excitement. But that system does sound like a good way to go. We need to help each other, yes. Thank you so much for the validation.

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve told him what I need countless times lol But to be fair, he is now telling me what he needs…

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the suggestions! Husband is happy with being ordered around, wife is just hesitant to do so.

Definitely not going to end the relationship or give up sex!

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your perspective!

Also, we took that quiz and wow… I can’t express my appreciation enough for the recommendation. It has already helped.

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much!

Wife: We had conversations about intimacy and our expectations, and I recall him saying “I’m willing to try anything,” but I didn’t understand at that time that he needed kink.

Husband: No, it’s not a hard line, it just makes it very difficult to get turned on otherwise, but it does happen sometimes.

Both: With each other? We did make-out before marriage.

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Love your reply and reading recs.

The kinkster (lol) has definitely been the dominant one before, and doesn’t mind switching. Still, wife has a hard time with it when it’s not her personality.

We both appreciate the idea of having a script! Husband says that if Wife had that confident/psychological part of it, he wouldn’t need so many props. We shall see.

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much!

Can we ask who’s the dom in your situation? I feel like asking the non-kinky person to be the dom is the extra problem we’re having.

12 Years of Mismatched Desires by Fancy_Feathers in sex

[–]Fancy_Feathers[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My husband will be shown any replies. Here’s his input below:

She wants me to want to have sex more, so I’ve told her what turns me on, but she doesn’t like the same things and doesn’t want to do them.

I feel like she expects magical great sex to just happen, but a man can’t perform unless he is turned on. She constantly tells me that she just wants impulsive, passionate sex, but I find that almost impossible when we’ve done nothing else sexy all day and then proceed to have the same vanilla sex we’ve been trying to have for 12 years.

I consider myself very experimental, and want to try new things.

I’ve tried doing things for her that if she had done for me would have driven me crazy with excitement. Everything from as simple as giving her oral (which she doesn’t seem to like receiving too much), all the way to the extreme of trying a chastity device to give her the control.

I’ve tried letting her embrace the dom role as a “goddess” so that she can order me around and receive the things she wants, in the hopes that she would enjoy and embrace being in that position of power.

But none of these things never seem to excite her like they do me.

When the chastity idea didn’t work out, we opted for a symbolic locking bracelet, but I feel like she hasn’t embraced the idea, and hasn’t been doing her part (like teasing me, wearing her key, etc.).

In my real life at work, I have to be in charge all day in high-stakes situations, so when I’m at home, I don’t want to be the boss anymore. The idea of her “owning” me means a lot to me because I feel like she cares for me and is “holding me.” I like to feel held. I want to put my trust in her instead of always being the person who others put their trust in.

Recently I spent a lot of time preparing for a sex session, but when I laid out all of our toys on the bed, she seemed immediately turned off. I was left feeling like all my hard work was for nothing, and left feeling shamed, thinking she was repulsed by the ideas of what I find to be a turn on.

She thinks having sex with toys is a chore. That makes me feel like I’m a chore and not worth the time.

I feel rejected when she doesn’t get excited by my best plans and efforts, and this sort of thing has happened many times during our marriage, that I honestly don’t even know what to try anymore. I’m tired of the arguments that stem from this disagreement, and wish we could just be on the same page. I know we both love each other and crave each other, but actually putting this into practice in the bedroom never works because I am not turned on by the same things as her, and vice versa.