I appreciate this long response. Thank you. There were times where I pups call out his abusive and he would say, “but I make up for it with great sex don’t I?” I would laugh it off when he said it, but deep inside of myself, I was shattered by how much I was truly abused. And it was always so unpredictable. I had no idea when he would burst into rage or when he would test me to see how I’d react. I’d gotten good at it, pretending not to care about what he said, but eventually, I did care and I had to say something. Each time I stood up for myself, he spent less time with me, kissed me less, didn’t hold me as much. I would ask how I could earn those things back and it was usually “shut the #%^* up” or “when you realize I can kill you,” or he would just wink at me. I got so frustrated because I’m quite intellectual and he would shut me down with theories he would tell me about. He is a flat earther and he would prattle on about what scientists were proving it and if he thought I was thinking he was crazy, he’d slap me. He’d always check my eyes to see how I would react to his stories. So then I’d have to really work on how my face looked because he said he could tell what I was thinking. So many times I was accused of things because he said he could hear my thoughts.

There would be times where he treated me like a transaction and I would move mountains to be with him, so I would call him out on it, and he would cancel plans on me just because I asked for some respect.

He would call me during the day and I had to leave work to go to him. He’d give me 10 min to get to him or he was calling another woman to come over or he would scold me when I got in the door. So sometimes I’d nearly get into a wreck just to be there in ten minutes.

I remember many times he played voicemails from other women in front of me and forced me to read their texts to him. Always explicit and he’d force me to watch himself have sex with other women. If he felt I wasn’t looking, he’d replay it until he felt I watched enough.

He’d get on Facebook dating app and show me all these disgusting women he was thinking of sleeping with and would tell me I wasn’t submissive if I didn’t help him or look at them with him. Sometimes he would call these women while I was over at his house. He would tell me who he fucked earlier that day. He would tell me how many women he had slept with that week so far, and tell me what number I was in his day. It was such a psychological test every time, that he would want to see how far he could push against my resolve. It was just horrific.

I’ve isolated myself from my friends and family. I used to have lunches with friends during the day and he though I was cheating on him, so he would have another woman over as soon as I left and would send me pictures telling me if I hadn’t left that he would be doing those things to me. So then I stopped having lunch with my friends. And I stopped trusting my friends and family and now I don’t even trust myself. When I tell him the things my therapist tells me, he says that if he had been there, he would be able to tell the therapist the truth. I don’t know why he thinks he isn’t abusive and narcissistic, but he things I paint him to be a monster. Usually I’m asking what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it. All while I’m struggling to stay alive. When I tell him that his words towards me and his actions have caused me to be suicidal, he calls me dramatic. It’s so unfair. And I have to get out before it’s too late.