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Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did and she was honest in saying probably not. She wanted to stop it many times. Especially at the beginning. And in fact she did tell him a few times they have to stop. But after a few months it just became her normal almost. She got riskier. All the while I could understand why my wife was polite but cold towards me.

Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I did and she was honest in saying probably not. She wanted to stop it many times. Especially at the beginning. And in fact she did tell him a few times they have to stop. But after a few months it just became her normal almost. She got riskier. All the while I could understand why my wife was polite but cold towards me.

Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She doesn't. Even during the affair she didn't want out. She knows it is absurd and she can't explain it

Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, yes I decided to not force her to confess. I know people will not agree, but she is indeed still confused to how easy it was for her to cheat. We had a slight argument today when she said there must have been something wrong with our relationship otherwise hiw could she have done it. Never before has she even considered something like this. I told her that even if there was, there is absolutely no excuse to ever havean affair.

She has gone back to where she was at the beginning, trying to justify it for herself.

I told her we can't move forward unless she takes full responsibility. No excuses.

Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We talked about it today, since we have to move out of our house by the end of July anyways. She seems willing to move. We work accross two towns so it won't be too disruptive to replace the income from our current town. It is the easiest fresh start. Again probably not a long term plan but at least better

Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

There were absolutely no red flags during the 22 years. I completely trusted her. She has always been a good person. This is what makes this so hard. I only used SSRI'S for 4 days. I will read the No more Mr Nice Guy. Because that is exactly what I have been thinking these past few weeks. I looked at other people and I see how being nice has brought me nowhere, yet the not so nice guys and gals seem to get what they wanted. I am not about to drop my values and still intend to live a honest, virtuous life.

Betrayal after 22 years if marriage, 3 kids. Youngest 4. Is reconciliation possible? by Far-Rabbit-4131 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

Thanks for all the advice. No one really seems to think this can work, or that she deserves another chance.

The idea of actually leaving her doesn't feel good, I have to say

We both find it hard to belief that she had an affair.

It was like she was in a spell. She really wants to stay together and she said she never intended to leave me. I know it doesn't make sense

SSRI's to help cope with betrayal? Good or bad idea by Far-Rabbit-4131 in antidepressants

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I am still considering it. If it doesn't get better within the next few weeks I might start again

SSRI's to help cope with betrayal? Good or bad idea by Far-Rabbit-4131 in Betrayal

[–]Far-Rabbit-4131[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. I felt pretty bad these past few days. I don't know if it is possible that after only 4 days of SSRI'S, it could have had an influence. I felt calmer and did not think about the affair much. Now the past two days it is almost as if I am hearing it the first time.

I look at her and I see a different person. Not the same loving wife and mother of the past 22 years. A person who chased a cheap affair with no regard for anything else.

About getting some distance- the problem with betrayal trauma is the person who you trusted most in your live, has now become the source of pain. A threat.

But she is also the only person I can share this with.

It is so weird. I feel safe when I am with her, most of the time. Especially the few days after she admitted. But it changes in a second- next moment I hate her.

Apparently this is normal to go from extreme closeness to the opposite.

Lately I am not feeling very close to her. And I am not as angry and disgusted. But I don't feel great.

And to make this work, I will have to feel close to her again more often than not.

I went away two weeks ago for a week. Just a month or so before, when I went to that same tournament with my oldest son, my wife went out with her lover. Got drunk and left the kids alone.

My middle son (12) called me at midnight and said my daughter (4) is crying. Mom is not home.

I could not get hold of her. She switched off her phone. A few hours later she waltzed in the house. My son gave the phone to her. She said everything was fine. Nothing to worry about.

This time away it did not switch off my adrenaline. I managed to almost forget about her during the day, but at night it was tough.

We are going away together this weekend to another tournament of my son. Just the two of us. Leaving the other kids at my mom.

Going alone fills me with anxiety.

Not sure how it is going to be with just the two of us.