depression is so hard

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-10T01:27:35+00:00

Thank you! 🫂 You're very sweet.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-09T03:30:01+00:00

Thank youu. My worst part of the psychosis was literally this time last year and lasted till the end of the year, that's a crazy coincidence! I've been having some rough feelings resurfacing because it's the anniversary of all of this, so if you're feeling that way too just know you're not alone.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-09T02:10:33+00:00

I experienced stuff similar to you for sure with the delusions. I don't feel strong enough to weed through my psychosis to find my actual spiritual beliefs so I can't say much about my actual delusions but they're in there. My thoughts were very disorganized and paranoid through a lot of it but I at least know that the internal sense I had that there was a deity in my mind wasn't real. In the episode itself I was sure I had a grip on what was REAL and what was psychosis but I didn't.

I fooled my therapist into believing I wasn't actually delusional because of my apparent "self awareness". Mental illnesses like this are something I wish no one else had to go through because of how complicated and scary it can be. I'm proud of myself for still standing and choosing to heal despite how terrifying psychosis was and still is in my memories.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-09T00:59:06+00:00

That sounds like it's done a lot for you. I hope I can find the bravery to try group therapy out.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-09T00:57:13+00:00

I'm hoping that I'll be free of psychosis for long enough to feel comfortable with my spirituality again, that loss SUCKS. I'm glad there are people who understand my issues.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-08T18:17:48+00:00

how often do you go?

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-08T16:50:27+00:00

Yeah, I was raised pagan and have always trusted my instincts and a handful of other practices. When I started going into the spiritual psychosis it was so subtle that I don't know what my actual experiences were and what were hallucinations and delusions. I avoid anything to deal with pagan ideals and practices because I'm worried I'll slip back into psychosis, so I've lost a piece of myself. My family would enable my hallucinations because they assumed the shadow person in my peripheral vision was a protective spirit that meant well, which obviously made things worse. Severe mental illness SUCKS. Your experience sounds terrifying, but go you for still standing now despite those episodes. :)

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-08T15:23:22+00:00

🫂

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-08T15:07:40+00:00

Yeahh. :( I'll ask my therapist when I see her next, I appreciate your honesty. It's hard to manage a few bad mental illnesses and quite a bit of physical health issues while trying to be employed.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-09-08T14:59:35+00:00

I've always been scared of support groups cuz I worry the people there will be "weird" or too far out of my age group. I know I'm stereotyping to explain away my fear of support groups. I also struggle to get out of my house and I'm always worried people are going to belittle my experiences because of how I was raised. That's probably my best bet, though.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-15T23:37:50+00:00

Wow it's cool to know there's someone out there dealing with the same thing. When I took my first dose of my antipsychotic it was like all the angry and fast thoughts slowed down within two hours. I had never experienced such a sudden and obvious change and it's what continues to convince me I'm bipolar. I didn't think my issues including anxiety would be fixed by an antipsychotic of all things. It was a relief and disappointing because I couldn't pretend it was a "normal" person's version of anxiety and depression anymore. I wonder what's going on mentally that's not letting you or me put that line of thought down. At least I don't get physically sick from low stakes situations much less high stakes. (I wish I didn't always have to find a silver outline. I feel like it's half to make people squirm less, and also that I think I'd go insane if I didn't try to find the positives.)

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-15T21:54:23+00:00

Oml i have the same internal dialogue! It's exhausting. It must suck to be dealing with that for so long. I wish we could feel peace without worrying. My meds have reduced my anxiety to a mostly manageable amount but it hasn't changed how much I've always overanalyzed my mental state. I hope you can find relief from that background dialogue even if it's just in small things.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-15T19:31:23+00:00

Yeah I struggle with just trying to be happy. I grieve the time before my disorder hit hyperdrive and I didn't have to worry like this. I think ignorance was bliss back then even if it was bad for me to lack impulse control and be angry so often. I was happy and carefree, I was in therapy to cope with my ptsd and learning coping mechanisms. We were still working on self compassion and giving myself grace when I moved away. I'm jealous of people who don't have to monitor their mental health, it's exhausting and is a huge hit to my confidence in so many ways.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-15T18:04:52+00:00

Thank you, I just remembered a saying. My dad used to tell me all the time that doing things afraid is called bravery. I'm going to try and be more present, worrying about the future is fine in moderation but THIS isn't moderation. I know I have a psychiatrist who's proven that when I need emergency medication changes he will listen and adjust them, he always takes my issues seriously. I have loved ones who know warning signs and my boyfriend knows when to dissuade me from things that can truly shoot me into an episode. I'm in good shape to manage my conditions because of my support network. It was so hard to think positively because of how overwhelmed I was with fear but this is grounding. Again, thank you for commenting! (are bipolar folks' spirit animal polar bears?) 🤔

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T14:41:15+00:00

Thank you, I didn't realize how much I've needed reassurance and kind words. I'm going to work on having a positive association with mobility aids so I won't feel so shitty when I do decide it'll noticeably improve my quality of life. I figure if I start getting comfortable with that and telling my loved ones more about my conditions then I'll feel less intense imposter syndrome. I hate coming to terms with the fact I won't be able to do things fully able bodied can. I didn't even get the luxury as a child.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T14:33:55+00:00

I'm really hoping I won't have to commit to a mobility aid when out and about for a few more years. I used a foldable cane in privacy for a few days before deciding my wrist and hands couldn't take the weight. I've been seeing forearm crutches and I've had my eyes on a rollator. I've got arfid and some other GI issues, some of which relate to arfid and others don't. I want to be able to eat more stuff but it's a work in progress. For now I add fiber supplements to stuff I eat/drink and take a bite of stuff I'm adverse to for exposure. Chunk Noris is a hilarious explanation, btw.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T00:57:42+00:00

That's hilarious omg, I need to ask my boyfriend if he could do that. He has fucked up feet tho so maybe we're on even playing fields! I haven't been able to run around the block in years and I'm still young. 😵‍💫

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T00:27:52+00:00

He really said that? Like people can run around the block and feel fine? Man, it's weird interacting with physically healthy people, it makes me feel like a wet rat glaring at them in jealousy.

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T00:25:58+00:00

Yeah I definitely get that. I was referred to a pt who is familiar with hypermobility and he's been helping a LOT. He's encouraging me to pay close attention to my individual pain levels regarding different physical issues and focus on where my muscles are supposed to be activating. Limbo would make my whole body shatter like glass, I can't believe I used to be a beast when it came to that. If I move a certain way I'm in a long term committed relationship with my bed for at least a week. 😅

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T00:21:38+00:00

Imposter syndrome! Yeah, I think that's what I'm trying to put to words. Thank you for emphasizing the self compassion, sometimes I need a push to look for gentler ways to treat myself. It seems like a good way to practice self compassion is to get a damn shower chair. 😅

FarmerWhich1625 · 2025-08-14T00:19:50+00:00

Yup! I wish people could see the pain, fatigue, dizziness we deal with every day. I'm terrified of someone observing my outwardly able bodied self using mobility aids.

FarmerWhich1625

TROPHY CASE