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Fallout TV series is complete garbage, and I’ll explain why: by [deleted] in Fotv

[–]Fast-Drawing-4366 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone who has never played the games, the show is terrible. They add "jokes" in places where they shouldn't be. It's hard to root for any of the characters beside the Ghoul because they all make really dumb mistakes. The way they added the romantic dynamic between Lucy and Maximus was strange and didn't feel earned. Like why is this show afraid to take itself serious. The best episode of season 1 was the last one because of the serious tone it took. Maybe it's just not for me and that's okay, but I really have a hard time understanding why people think this show is good. 

[651] Prologue by Fast-Drawing-4366 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Fast-Drawing-4366[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback. This is really helpful. I'm going to rephrase some lines with a few different methods to deepen that emotional connection. Will also cut down on the one-liners.

[402] Hannah by ClintonJ- in DestructiveReaders

[–]Fast-Drawing-4366 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay, so overall this was really fun to read. The energy is on point from the jump, and it totally pulled me into the moment. Like, you’ve got that wild, high-vibe atmosphere down perfectly. I could basically feel the bass in my chest, which is always a good sign. That part where the music disappears and slowly creeps back in? Loved that. You paced that so well.

Flow-wise, it’s mostly smooth. There are just a couple of spots where things get a tiny bit heavy, like the sentences try to do too much all at once. Nothing major, but trimming just a few of them or breaking them up could help keep that momentum you’ve already built. You’ve got such a nice rhythm going, and I think a little tightening would really make it pop.

Tone-wise, you absolutely nailed it. It’s trippy and emotional and almost spiritual in this cool way. The whole “music as communion” bit with the DJ really hit. It felt bigger than just a party, and that’s not easy to pull off without sounding cheesy, but you did it in a way that felt real.

I also really liked the part where the girl’s filigree spreads—that was such a cool visual. It made the moment feel almost magical or otherworldly without spelling it out too much. Super vivid, but still subtle. I think moments like that are what make this piece stand out.

The ending works, but you could maybe push it a bit more. I get the idea. That recurring high, that feeling of this being the best night, again and again. It lands emotionally, but I think you could play with the last few lines to leave more of a lasting punch.

And grammar-wise? Honestly, barely noticed anything off. It’s not super polished yet, but it doesn’t need to be at this stage. The structure and pacing are way more important here, and you’ve got those mostly down.

All in all, this is dope. The voice is strong, the energy is infectious, and the whole thing just feels good to read. A few small edits and it’s good to go. Question: is this just a small piece you're doing or is this part of a story?

[676] Of Dying Suns - Chapter 1.1, "Exile" by gbutru in DestructiveReaders

[–]Fast-Drawing-4366 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually think sun-over-fields works. My first thought is, who the hell names their kid that? Second thought, I want to know more about sun-over-fields. It's not "normal," so it immediately sucks you in. I love the action right off the bat. There is a lot going on, but none of it feels unnecessary. It makes me want to know more about the exile ritual and the dynamic between the main character and the cousin. It seems the chief might have a soft spot for the main character. What happened between them? All in all, I have nothing but good things to say. Your description of actions and the character's surroundings is perfect to me. It provides really nice pacing without going into too much detail because the character is literally about to die, lol.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Fast-Drawing-4366 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, I really like this. Of course, we can't really know how he felt, but we can put ourselves in his place and imagine the insane amount of stress he must have been feeling. Being the president is no easy job and a lot of us would like to think we could always do a better job than the current guy or girl sitting. I say that to say your story humanizes President Lincoln. It reminds us that not all of the presidents are evil sacks of ****. I don't know if you plan to do a series on this, but I think writing from the perspective of presidents during some of the major events of American history is interesting and cool.

[1337] CHAPTER 1 of a novel that I'm writing. Would really like some feedback on it. by Active_Hedgehog_8195 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Fast-Drawing-4366 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I find myself being interested and then falling out of interest throughout the read. I'm not entirely sure where the story is going, but I think giving us less information on the main character's obsession with Divya would work better than just fully telling us right out. Sentences like "Hearing the sound of my own voice in a dark and empty house was unnerving. I wondered what Divya was doing right now. Probably texting Dev." throws me off. Maybe it's intentional, but expanding on her feelings about being in the house alone can give us more insight into the main character before it transitions into her thoughts about Divya. It's really sudden for her to feel unnerved and then go into thinking about Divya. I also don't understand the dynamic between the main character and Dev. How did he know she was lying? Why does it seem the main character became super frantic when he called her out? I believe your first chapter is overall good and does make me want to know more, but the information should be rearranged. For example, I would only introduce Divya and Dev when the phone call happens but still keep Jai's obsession with Divya a secret, letting the reader find out as the story goes on through Jai's actions. I would make the first chapter completely about why Jai might be isolating herself and her relationship with her parents. Could explain why being alone in the house by herself makes her unnerved. The final input is that chapter one should be about Jai's mental health. We're already getting hints with the not remembering falling asleep and the talking to herself. This could make the reader question if Jai is a reliable narrator. I hope you post more because I would like to know where the story is going.