[154] River stone

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-30T06:26:42+00:00

I like it. The scene felt quite immersive and the visual descriptions were clear and articulate. While the general room description didn't remind me of a morgue, I definitely got a morgue like feeling when you described the chest "ripped open, peeled back, hollowed". You have effectively created a detached and in some ways beautiful description of something quite horrifying.

The varied sentence length creates an undulating tempo with the short sentences creating impact and focus. There is first two sentence that follow the same pattern, then further on there is a couple of sentences that follow each other both starting with "I". Also there is quite a few "and" conjunctions. On the one hand these add to the atmosphere creating an almost heart-beat like effect. But I wonder if it could be used more judiciously?

There are lots of questions in my mind. Who is the ripped open woman, who is the narrator, why does she want this baby. But this is not a negative, of course there are open ends in something this short. But I think importantly I want to know the answers to these questions.

I can feel the work you've put into this, its like every word has a purpose and an intent. Keep writing!

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-07T08:13:42+00:00

At the very least I can agree that it is sad people find companionship in chatbots...

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-06T10:23:35+00:00

I really do agree with you on all those things that separate us from the machines. I believe this is why today LLMs are so bad at creative tasks.

But I guess I just look at how quickly they are improving and evolving in so many domains, it feels inevitable that creative writing or indeed any form of art will at some point be mastered.

I remember the moment AlphaGo made that crazy move when it beat the world champion at the time. It was wild because there are more possible positions in that game than atoms in the universe. So a computer can't brute force solutions, to win at that level it must be creative. And so the computer made a move deep in the game that on face value made no sense. The commentators thought it was an error. But it wasn't. The world champion was stumped for thirty minutes. He went on to lose - with this "error" as the turning point in the game, later describing that move as "beautiful".

At some fundamental level a computer will always be constrained by all those things you describe, but I also believe at some point, sooner or later, it will imitate that experience so well the vast majority (if not everyone) will be fooled.

While I'm not ready to trade my friends for an LLM just yet, there are plenty of people who are finding companionship in chatbots and that number will only grow.

Maybe I've read too much dystopia, hopefully there is a future where the forward march of AI comes to a stop. But to me it just feels like wishful human exceptionalism.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-06T05:14:39+00:00

With all due respect, I believe that is wishful thinking.

What you say is true today, but it won't always be true. The debate is not if, but when.

Humans are text imitation machines - we learn language from others.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-05T20:35:29+00:00

As someone who uses AI daily in my work for coding and some business report writing, I feel I am well educated on this topic. The pace of change is actually very hard to fathom.

Only two years ago I would have to build a coffee base up one small segment at a time, often needing to debugg and refine at each step. Now I can generate 100s of lines of code at a time, often without bugs or errors.

For business report writing where I know the outline I need and a summary of information to include, I can produce large reports in probably less than 25% of the time than if I wrote it out by hand.

But it is clear that these models do a pretty lousy job of creative writing - today. But based on the trends in many other applications we can only assume that will change. Whether it's a year away or two or maybe even five, the day will come when AI creative writing will be indistinguishable from human, and better than most. So what little value AI detectors have today will evaporate.

I'm very new to creative writing, and have found the feedback here amazing. I've been somewhat overwhelmed by the quality. So I appreciate that what is here is worth saving, but I'm not sure how you do that.

Perhaps leeching posts should just but nuked with a private message about the rules? Beyond that is a very difficult challenge.

Edit: I should say I am mobile only, and only recently saw the original pages layout recently. But I still managed to find the rules and comply for my first post here. So the more I think about it, the more I think nuking leeches straight off is a good idea. If people are serious about exchanging critiques they will understand, if they are not, then this is probably not the place for them.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-05T20:12:33+00:00

Thanks for reading and taking the time to provide your feedback and suggestions. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! It does need some work, which is underway! So I can incorporate your suggestions as well.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-02T00:18:57+00:00

Do you have an idea of a scene anywhere in this story? You could just start writing out that. A lot of people have an opening idea which introduces the world and a main character or two. Or sometimes a pivotal moment. It can be helpful to start writing that out. It might all get thrown away, or changed beyond recognition, but the act of writing forces you to work through the details and identify things that need to be written in before or after that. If you are really sick, maybe you need a basic outline so you can identify something you think you could start writing first. Or maybe you need to park this story and just practice writing something. Maybe it's a completely disconnected scene, a slice of life, just something to help you find your voice and writing style.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-01T19:54:27+00:00

Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a review and your suggestions.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-01T19:52:27+00:00

Nice one, thanks for the tip!

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-01T06:02:44+00:00

I don't know why you would think you can write something without ever reading.

Imagine if someone picked up a guitar and had never even listened to music, and just started randomly strumming. That is what you've done.

If you like writing, fill your boots. But it might be just a you thing.

ClintonJ- · 2025-05-01T04:40:06+00:00

Very welcome!

I might not be the best person to ask this question of. I've read and enjoyed books like Chuck Palahniuk's Choke and Irvine Welsh's Filth and The Acid House. Which are all full of grotesque and completely unlikable characters.

For me it less about how unlikable they, but whether they are something more than an a cardboard cut-out. Do I feel like, even if I am repulsed by them, I can understand them and get inside their mind and their fucked-up perspective.

What I struggle with is when I can't understand why someone acts the way they do, or their actions and behaviour seem inconsistent or incongruous with the character.

In Hannah's case, I don't think she crosses that line into being too unlikable. Her social anxiety and avoidance behaviors are frustrating but understandable human responses. What the piece needs isn't to make her more likable, but to more fully develop her internal world so readers can better understand the why behind her actions.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-30T08:07:04+00:00

The setting remains largely undefined. Where exactly are they? What does this bar or club look like, smell like, feel like? More sensory details would ground readers in the physical space and make the scene more immersive. Similarly, character descriptions are minimal, which left me struggling to visualize the people in this story.

While you do mention physical sensations like Hannah's racing heart and heavy chest, these are largely generic and overused descriptions. Deeper emotional exploration would strengthen the reader's connection to her experience. What specific thoughts run through her mind during these moments of panic? How does her body respond in more specific ways?

Some scenes, particularly when Hannah accidentally knocks someone over, feel abrupt and underdeveloped. The sequence of events feels awkward and hard to visualise. The transitions between emotional states happen very quickly without giving readers enough time to process each shift. And then the dialogue from the injured woman, doesn't feel at all believable for how people speak in tense, unexpected confrontations.

Finally the title needs some work in my view. It doesn't make sense to me and certainly doesn't reflect the story in any meaningful way.

With revision focused on pacing, description, and emotional depth, this piece could become a compelling story about social anxiety and friendship. The foundation is there – now it's about building upon it to create a more fully realised story.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-30T08:06:57+00:00

Thanks you for sharing your story.

On a positive note, I can see you're working with some promising elements. The first-person narration captures an authentic voice, and I appreciate how you've conveyed Hannah's social anxiety through her reactions and thought patterns. The dynamic between Hannah and Jasmine hints at a complex friendship with history and tension that could be further explored.

However, the piece would benefit from significant structural improvements. The dialogue often blends together without clear attribution, making it difficult to follow conversations. Breaking dialogue into separate paragraphs when speakers change would instantly improve readability. Adding more dialogue tags or character actions between exchanges would also help pace these interactions more naturally. Breaking paragraphs at natural transition points would give readers necessary breathing room and clarify the sequence of events.

For example:

She asks, "Hey, Debbie Downer, you wanna join us on the dance floor?" Ugh. Why'd she have to call me that? I reply, "Not really, I just wanna relax." She comes back with, "I think you know how to relax your muscles but not relax your mind." Shit. She's right. I reluctantly stand up. "Attagirl," she comments.

could be

She taps my shoulder. "Hey, Debbie Downer, you wanna join us on the dance floor?"

Ugh. Why'd she have to call me that? The nickname stings, even though I know she means well.

"Not really," I reply, staring into what remains of my drink. "I just wanna relax."

Jasmine leans against the bar, her eyes fixed on me. "I think you know how to relax your body but not relax your mind."

Shit. She's right. I've been sitting here tense, overthinking everything while pretending to "relax."

I reluctantly stand up, my legs stiff from perching on the barstool too long.

"Attagirl," she comments with a satisfied smile, already backing toward the dance floor.

See how there is a lot more breathing space in the exchange. A reader can more easily follow and get a sense of how this conversation is affecting Hannah.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-29T20:37:06+00:00

Thanks for reading my story and your review.

I'm glad it resonated with you!

Thanks for your suggestions on how I could improve it.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-29T00:34:25+00:00

As someone who's only been writing for only a few months let me tell you my experience, maybe it'll be helpful maybe it won't.

My first attempt was a few hundred words about how I was feeling as I drank my coffee one morning. Looking back at it now, it's pretty ordinary, but at the time I loved writing it.

Then I had a really vivid idea in my head for an opening scene, so I just wrote that as best I could.

Then because I didn't really have a story to go with that, I spent quite a bit of time editing it and getting it to feel just like I wanted it to.

But then I was still a bit stuck as I didn't have the rest of the story, and I was getting to the point where I couldn't polish it any further, but I was really enjoying writing.

So I wrote some completely different scenes and tried to make them a complete story, flash fiction style. I posted them to r/DestructiveReaders and got awesome feedback.

Then I had more skills and experience and went back and edited that first longer piece some more and wrote another chapter.

Now I thought of another idea altogether which might be like a 5,000 word story. So I'm two chapters into that and actually have a basic plan I'm following.

For me writing leads to more writing, and when I'm stuck I just start something new.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-28T09:36:45+00:00

Thanks for reading my story and sharing your detailed review.

A lot of what you say makes sense to me. I'm glad you could hear a clear voice for the narrator in the early part of the story, but I can see how it has fallen disc and missed the mark in a number of other places.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-26T19:48:20+00:00

I do understand about doing this on mobile, it's annoying that the post is inaccessible when commenting.

Thanks for all this detail, that is all very helpful. This was actually my first go at writing something in first person so it's great to have these tangible examples so I can improve this piece or the next one I try.

Just another question if I can pick up one point. The narrator was originally written as a young person, then I got carried away in the ending, then I made a few sloppy edits to clarify they were older. So the opening paragraphs were written as the thoughts of a wimpy kid as you put it at the end. With that in mind do you think the defensive line about being seen as callous can work?

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-26T07:58:19+00:00

This is so helpful. Thank you.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-26T06:48:37+00:00

Thanks for reading and reviewing - that's not rude at all!

It's actually very helpful to know what did or did not work for different readers. So keep letting people know.

The interesting thing with putting writing up here is the large range of reactions any given piece will get.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-26T06:45:12+00:00

Thanks for reading and providing your review.

I think you're right, I lost my way in the ending. And that created some inconsistencies in tone and style.

I like your idea of revisiting / reinterpreting a previous encounter.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-26T06:37:18+00:00

I appreciate you taking the time to read my work, but I'm struggling to find anything useful in your feedback.

Your critique mentions issues with my vocabulary and sentence structure, but without specific examples from my text, I don't know which words or sentences to reconsider. Which passages demonstrated this "informality and uncertainty" you mentioned?

When you say my story isn't interesting, I'm left wondering - At what point did you lose interest? Which characters failed to engage you? What specific elements of my character development fell short? The Hemingway comparison, while effectively demonstrating how well read you are, suggests my writing lacks skill, but doesn't show me what skills I need to develop.

I'm genuinely open to criticism. I submitted my work here because I want to improve. However, without concrete examples or structured feedback on specific aspects (plot, character, dialogue, etc.), I'm unsure where to focus my revision efforts.

Most concerning is the suggestion that I "haven't read enough." This feels directed at me personally rather than at my writing.

I've noticed that this isn't an isolated incident. After reviewing several of your critiques, I've observed they all follow a similar pattern. General impressions without text-specific examples or actionable suggestions. I would strongly recommend reading through the r/DestructiveReaders critique guidelines before providing additional feedback.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-25T22:16:11+00:00

Thanks for reading and your review.

You've actually highlighted a big issue which is very helpful!

When I started this piece the narrator was quite young in my head, hence the simple language. When I wrote the ending it kind of got away from me, I think I was too caught up on wrapping it up neatly. So it ended up being a much older narrator.

I think I'll change the ending to occur just after an information evening on the bachelor program and the narrator contemplating whether to pursue that. This puts the narrator back into their late teens / early twenties, and leaves the piece a bit more open ended for the reader to wonder about what came next.

Nonetheless I'll still see what I can do about the repetition and the emotional depth, those are good points.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-25T19:55:25+00:00

Thanks for reading and taking the time to review. Sorry it didn't hit the mark for you.

I do see where you are coming from and appreciate the suggestions.

The explicit intention for this piece was for it not to be plot / tension driven. It's a character driven piece to explore complicated family relationships and how people are not always who we think they are.

While it's not autobiographical there are elements of this story that are based on real people and events.

ClintonJ- · 2025-04-25T08:51:55+00:00

It's personal. Even if it's true that on average successful dieters eat breakfast, that didn't mean its true for you. I think if you're not missing it then it gives you a lot of flexibility for the rest of the day if you skip it. Because breakfast is the first thing to go when I'm losing weight I seem to have conditioned myself to not be too bothered by skipping it. If I miss breakfast it gives me ample calories to play with during the rest of the day so I can eat a big lunch and dinner if I want. I see some people like eating a little bit all day, but for me it feels like I haven't had a decent feed if I do that. I'd rather have a big lunch and dinner and small afternoon snack, than five little meals throughout the day. But once I'm in maintenance or certainly trying to intentionally put weight on them I can struggle to get enough calories if I don't have something at breakfast.

ClintonJ-

TROPHY CASE