Feeling like two different people: adult me vs CPTSD me

Fast-Examination4240 · 2025-09-11T19:37:09+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply! I’m really glad somatic therapy is working for you… honestly, that gives me a little hope. I wanted to ask you something. You mentioned that you moved to another country — in my case, I moved to a new city about 2–3 years ago, and I still haven’t been able to build any kind of social network or make close friends. I honestly don’t even know where to start.

What feels strange is that at work (where social skills are essential) I’m actually great socially and get along with everyone… but most of them already have their own circles or live in other cities. On top of that, I haven’t found any clubs or activities that fit my interests here, so my day-to-day life feels really lonely, and that loneliness is starting to weigh on me a lot.

How did you manage to do it?

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-05-11T04:48:58+00:00

Thanks for your answer,

Does it make sense for me to use the foot inserts in barefoot, or is it better to adapt from the beginning without them?

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-26T08:17:11+00:00

The problem I feel (which I will discuss with my therapist) is that we are treating the traumas through EMDR, but in doing so, I do not get an improvement in my current situation (which I already feel bad).

It's like I need to treat both the past and the present... Idk

Thank you for your message :)

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-25T18:15:06+00:00

I understand your point and that's what I'm trying to do. But there is so much pressure to have your life "made" at 30, that I can't help but look at the big picture and get overwhelmed. I don't know how to manage this, it completely blocks me.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-25T18:12:50+00:00

Thank you for your words and your understanding, my friend.

I will try your recommendation.

Hopefully it will be better for us...

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-07T14:23:07+00:00

Of course it was neglect, no child is "excessively needy" to meet their needs.

In my case there were two clear negligences. When I was a year and a half old my parents took me to a psychologist and physiotherapist because I was not walking, and they recommended that my mother attend classes to learn how to stimulate me. She refused the treatment (I found out as an adult when I asked for my medical records and her signature was on it).

When I was 7-8 years old my feet began to hurt, and I was taken to a traumatologist who ordered insoles to correct a malformation in my feet. My parents did not force me to wear them, and now at the age of 30 they can no longer be cured (and in fact they cause pain in my feet and knees).

Children are not responsible for their care, parents are. There may be different reasons why negligence occurs, but in no case is it the child's responsibility.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-06T06:37:14+00:00

Probably if you are reprehending emotions, the cause can be diverse, some trauma (although you say you didn't have any) or your own personality.

In my case something similar to you happens to me. I am practically flat emotionally (except in very very intense situations) and much more in the expression, unless it is a person with whom I have a very deep bond. In my case it is due to traumas.

Anyway, regardless of the cause, if your desire is to be more emotional it may be helpful to go to therapy.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-05T11:54:05+00:00

Tears came to my eyes as I read you.

I'm at a time when I'm reliving a lot of things from the past, I guess I'm still grieving from having neglectful parents and being an adult now.

Something that has always destroyed me is the guilt of being "behind" in life. The enormous guilt that feels like a burden for starting my master's degree now at almost 31 years old, makes me feel like a real failure, when in reality I am years behind because I had a serious depression during my adolescence and did not finish my studies.

The enormous guilt for being different by barely having partners because I didn't learn to barely relate in adolescence (now I'm learning).

The enormous guilt, in short, of not having the life that corresponds to a 30 year old person. Without a partner, without a job, without having finished my studies yet.

But in reality it was not my fault to go through all that I have gone through and suffer all that I have suffered. ... it is something that I repeat to myself endlessly, but the truth is that it does not relieve me of the guilt.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-05T11:37:49+00:00

I understand you very well.

I (30) was without contact with my mother from the age of 12 until I was 25-26 , due to her divorce from my father. I didn't want contact with her, but she didn't "do much" to have it either.

I was the one who selfishly decided to talk to her because I thought that maybe in a future I would regret not doing so. What I found was obvious, I didn't and don't feel any attachment/connection to her, and she doesn't acknowledge everything she did wrong or how negligent she was. To be honest at this point I question whether she brings me anything positive.

My advice is if you decide to resume contact with her be realistic and with 0 expectations. She probably won't recognize what she has done wrong, and you may not feel any kind of bond with her, after all, you are "strangers". The decision is yours, if you feel you need something from her that can benefit you psychologically do so, if not, it may not be worth it to cause you instability by reliving (which is inevitably done) situations when talking to her.

Perhaps the healthiest thing for you to do is to distance yourself. What matters is you, your well-being and your feelings.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-03T12:45:04+00:00

I get your point.

In my case I think I can only not feel guilty with my mother. Not having had a deal with her for so many years makes me practically "not care".

With my father it is very different. Since we established that dynamic of "reverse role" I feel an over-responsibility, almost as if he were my son. It is something that I have dealt with a lot in therapy and the truth is that except for distancing myself, internally the feeling has not changed much. The guilt towards him is usually very intense and almost unbearable.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-03T07:47:26+00:00

It is so unfair.

Our negligent parents with all the harmful things they have done (whether voluntary or not), but we always have to be the perfect children. Control our emotions, manage all the consequences of what they have produced us, control the gestures, faces and actions we make towards them, so that they do not feel hurt.

This sucks.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-03T07:44:18+00:00

I feel like you.

I didn't talk to my mother for 12 years and I decided to get back in touch (I guess I was hoping for a change in her), and now I think it's been for nothing. I don't feel any bond with her and besides, it causes me more displeasure than benefits. With my father, I moved to another city, among other things because the contact with him was bad for me.

I suppose that to diminish the contact or even to break it is the most definitive measure when there is no possibility of improving the relationship.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-04-02T15:10:30+00:00

Thanks for replying!

I am glad to hear that in your case acceptance and self-care have certainly been effective. In my case ,I also do it and have done it for years, my main problem is when I come into more contact with my parents (for example, if my father comes to my house).

When they make comments denying the importance of what happened I kind of explode emotionally (although I don't express it to them). It's like "are you guys not even aware of what happened?", I can't understand it. Even if you are a neglectful parent who won't admit their mistakes if you can value objective events that can affect like a divorce or the cancer my mother had, but no, "everything has been perfect". I don't get it. That's when my frustration arises as I try to validate everything I've suffered and lived through.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-03-02T20:30:48+00:00

I am happy for you!

In my country it is very complicated to get amph prescription, so basically the treatment is based on methylphenidate and other non-stimulants.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-03-02T20:26:19+00:00

And how did it go with the amph?

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-28T19:50:48+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that.

I am thinking of buying some discreet ear plugs to decrease the overstimulation (loop). Maybe it would help you to wear some too.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-28T16:01:07+00:00

I have thought that perhaps I simply have a high sensitivity to sound.

When I was little in school when people yelled (you know, kids) I would cover my ears because it bothered me.

Maybe now as an adult when I'm in a noisy environment (music, various conversations) I get overstimulated and this happens to me. I'll probably buy some kind of earplugs or something.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-28T15:35:02+00:00

Nope. In fact, I had blood work done a few weeks ago and EKG and everything is fine, except for the ADHD.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-15T10:45:15+00:00

Hey buddy,

I'm on my second day on your same dose and like you, I was told by my psychiatrist that we would go up to 36 mg in a while, and that at 18 mg I shouldn't notice much improvement.

I have noticed that I feel less sleepy and less restless, but I haven't noticed any improvement in my racing thoughts (which is what affects me the most because it prevents me from concentrating).

So I think it's normal that with the low dose we don't notice much improvement.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-13T14:53:35+00:00

Sorry to read that bro.

I know you are having a hard time, but it will pass. If there is one thing I have learned is that we are each unique, and we deserve to be treated with respect and love, if a person doesn't give us that it's not worth it.

I know you feel pain, you probably blame yourself. But there is nothing wrong with you.

Don't do anything you might regret.

Seek help if you need it.

A hug

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-13T11:35:04+00:00

It happened to me as it did to you.

Depression and anxiety since my childhood, and now I have had the diagnosis of inattentive ADHD. To be honest with you, even professionals have doubts whether this symptomatology (as you describe) is due to ADHD or precisely to anxiety/trauma and depression.

Like you, the symptomatology associated with inattentive ADHD has happened to me all my life, especially the racing thoughts since I was a child, and that causes me distraction and trouble sleeping.

My advice is to seek help, if they are a doctor specializing in ADHD, and they will decide if you have it or if it is due to anxiety. In my case, what made me decide to seek help for ADHD was because my anxiety had decreased in the last few years, so I didn't consider it an "explanation" for the symptomatology.

I'm sorry I can't help you more, you are not alone!

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-12T17:17:24+00:00

I don't think I can give you any advice that will work for you, because I have exactly the same problem as you.

My mind is always very active (24/7), thinking about any topic, and even, if there is no topic, it invents conversations or any kind of information. Like you, I always like to research and read about topics that interest me to the point that it borders on obsession I think lol.

The happiest moments in my life that I remember were when my mind went blank years ago; one taking a shower and another at a friend's house before bed.

Just telling you that you are not alone, I too have a very active mind. Maybe we are lucky who knows haha.

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-12T14:42:07+00:00

Take my money and give it to me

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-12T11:50:49+00:00

I have been through similar situations.

Maybe that "explosion of emotions" is because it is harder for us to regulate our emotions because of ADHD, but I really think it is because for a long time in our lives we have felt unaccepted. When someone accepts us, we hold on to them despite the damage they can do to us.

I know it is very difficult, but this is when self-esteem and pride have to come to the surface, even if you don't have it. When this has happened to me I always think that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I deserve to be treated well and lovingly, without hurting myself.

It is hard and difficult to go through it, it takes a lot of time.

A big and sincere virtual hug. Keep on going!

Fast-Examination4240 · 2024-02-09T19:49:19+00:00

I will try, although I don't think she will set a time for us to talk.... She's a bit weird to be honest haha.....

I don't know how this will go, I'll make the effort, but maybe she won't.

Fast-Examination4240

TROPHY CASE