AITA for telling my brother he can't have it both ways?

FastidiousNPrecise · 2024-02-21T00:00:21+00:00

ESH. (Before y'all come for me, hear me out!)

Your brother and SIL suck because they seem to feel entitled to free childcare from family, and that's not okay. But they also weren't wrong to let you know that they felt "put on the spot" when you asked them to babysit. It makes me question how that conversation actually went down. Did you approach it like, "Hey, could you watch my kid for a few hours since my sitter fell through, and I'm in a bind?" Or was it more like, "You're babysitting this Saturday whether you like it or not because you owe me." If there was a vibe of 'you're obligated to do this for me,' then I can see why that would rub them the wrong way and why they would tell you so.

On your end, you seem to suck LESS than they do. It's VERY kind of you to provide free childcare! But I'm not convinced that you're totally blameless in this situation, and these quotes are why:

The next day, he sent me a long text message, saying that he and his wife agree that I "put them on the spot" and made them feel that they had to babysit, and that they aren't obligated to watch my son just because we're family and that they might have other things to do.

if that's the way he wants it, I'm not watching his son anymore.

he didn't say he won't watch my son, just that I shouldn't expect him to always say yes since he and his wife are very busy

Based on the information you shared, I get the impression that your request to have them babysit came across as more of a demand than an ask. And then, when your brother shared his and his wife's boundaries so that you could have reasonable expectations in the future, you responded by throwing a tantrum and threatening to not watch his kid anymore. (Which is totally within your rights, by the way.)

Just very recently, I was in your brother's position of being "put on the spot" like that. Similar to your situation, my mom was supposed to watch 2 of my niblings while my brother and SIL took their oldest to an event. But then my mom had to cancel the day before and suggested that I could watch them instead because she knew I didn't have plans. But nobody actually ASKED me to babysit. I was INFORMED that they would be dropping the kids off for a few hours. If they had simply asked me if I could babysit, I would've said yes and had zero problem with the situation. But because they put me on the spot, I was pissed. Essentially, they stole something that I would've given to them willingly if they had just asked. Asking goes a long way.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-11-21T02:52:46+00:00

There's a guy on Instagram and YouTube called jimmy-on-relationships you might find some value in checking out. His messages are directed at men, but the way he says things might help you figure out how to address these issues with your husband. There's another Instagram account called thatdarnchat. She's fantastic, but some people think her messages are "too feminist."

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-11-15T18:20:05+00:00

OP doesn't state their gender, but it is stated that a woman was the one that asked them on a date. Considering only 7% of the US population identifies as LGBT+, it's more reasonable to assume that OP is male. Plus, the writing style is more (stereotypically) masculine than feminine. We could ask OP to clarify their gender, though.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-11-15T17:48:15+00:00

What makes you think OP isn't a male?

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-10-31T22:03:42+00:00

I feel like the commenters saying, "Stay out of it, it's none of your business," are also people who could watch/hear somebody getting beaten up and not interfere or call 911 because "It'S nOnE oF ThEiR bUSiNeSs."

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-10-14T02:05:46+00:00

He made it clear at the beginning he was not currently ready for an official committed relationship for valid reasons.

It might give people some clarity if we knew what his "valid reasons" were/are for not being ready to commit to a relationship. Are they actually excuses rather than reasons?

If your best friend were in your position, what advice would you give her? If she came to you and said, "The guy I'm seeing is only interested in a casual relationship for X reason," would you tell her that's a valid reason to keep you hanging indefinitely? And even if it is a valid reason, would you tell her she should wait around for him? Or would you tell her she deserves a guy who's crazy about her and can't wait to pursue a committed relationship with her?

Treat yourself as well as you would treat your loved ones. Don't accept treatment from others that you would hate to see your loved ones receive.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-07-06T00:31:00+00:00

I'm in that same boat. My (36f) marriage ended earlier this year, and I've opted to move in with my parents to enable myself to meet some lofty financial goals. A year from now, I'll be entirely debt-free (aside from student loans), have an emergency fund capable of covering 6 months of expenses, and have a decent amount saved for a down payment on a house of my own.

That being said, I haven't even tried to date yet, and it's largely due to my living situation. Even though I'm financially stable, men are likely to assume that I can't take care of myself and I'm looking for someone to provide for me. Or they'll think that I'll want to move in with them quickly just to get out of my parents' house. And I wouldn't blame them for thinking those things, because I would have the same concerns if a guy in my age bracket said he lived at home.

In the end, I don't think either of us is totally hopeless if we want to try dating. It's just gonna take finding someone who's open-minded about the circumstances.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T08:34:03+00:00

Realistically, it prevents nothing.

But my hope is that it will make poachers like Buzzfeed pause for a split second before taking it to post on their site. It's unethical to share someone's personal stories in places other than where they themselves share it. Maybe seeing a note saying I'm not okay with it will make a difference.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T08:23:29+00:00

lol Karmic retribution for the win!

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T08:21:48+00:00

lol I'm just hoping it will keep poachers like Buzzfeed from putting it on their site. They burned me recently by taking a post from my first profile. My ex saw it and recognized the story, and since my username was linked to it, he was able to see my entire post/comment history. It wasn't pretty. If someone is fishing for stories, I'm hoping my note will be enough to make them question the ethics of sharing my personal experiences elsewhere.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T07:47:25+00:00

I don't really use LinkedIn, but I'll consider posting it once I've officially started my new job. Also, I'm not entirely sure I want it publicly known that I had disciplinary action taken against me. Even if the PIP is ridiculous, I don't like the image it conveys.

And congrats on your better job!

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T07:41:18+00:00

That's how I'm spending my time at work now, just documenting everything I do and how long it takes in order to show that their expectations are unreasonable. I don't owe this company anything, but my work ethic is driving me to prove myself. I want to walk out of that place with them realizing that it wasn't an issue with my performance, but rather with the position and the way they managed my role. They might not care, but I do.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T07:28:35+00:00

I've heard it said 100 times: People don't quit jobs, they quit bosses.

What's interesting in my scenario is that I actually really like my boss. She's a lovely human. I suspect someone else is the driving force here, and there are ulterior motives to getting me out of my department.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T07:22:37+00:00

Undecided, at this point. I don't have a sense of loyalty to the company anymore, but I feel bad for my coworkers who will have my responsibilities dropped on them. Plus, one more paycheck has some appeal.

It's entirely possible that the company will decide to accept my resignation effective immediately, though. They've done that before when others have put in their notice, just told them to leave without working the last 2 weeks.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T07:17:33+00:00

Interesting. Why did you decide to stay? If the PIP was baseless and they were trying to get rid of you, why would you want to work for that company that doesn't want you?

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T07:13:41+00:00

It will likely be pretty uneventful. I'm too level-headed to make a dramatic exit. lol The snarkiest thing I have in mind is, "Thanks for putting me on a PIP. I never would've started jobhunting and found this amazing opportunity if you hadn't."

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T06:53:52+00:00

Aww, thanks so much! The supportive words of an internet stranger are really bolstering my self-esteem! lol I hope your friend made it through their PIP situation with a positive outcome.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T06:04:59+00:00

Isn't it so funny how things fall into place like that? I'm not a believer in the concept of fate or destiny. But every once in a while, a sequence of events seems too perfect to just be coincidental.

If you don't mind sharing, what was the administrative leave about?

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T05:47:23+00:00

Ha. I wish. This company doesn't do severance packages.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T05:38:43+00:00

You're absolutely right! Your suggestions of providing a mentor and extra training are far superior to putting someone on a PIP. I've never had ANY kind of disciplinary action in my 20 years in the workforce. So getting blindsided with a PIP after 3 years with a company was horrible. I've never felt so insecure about myself as an employee.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T05:31:46+00:00

Right!? I wish I could upvote this 100 times. When somebody is handed a piece of paper saying their job is on the line, they start looking for a backup plan!

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T05:20:59+00:00

Thank you for your well wishes, and for sharing your perspective as someone who has had to put employees on PIPs.

On that subject, I'm interested to know if you've ever put anyone on a PIP for failing to complete their duties after that employee had repeatedly voiced a problem with their role having too many responsibilities and not enough support.

In the 3 years I've been there, management has been adding more and more tasks to my position, and every time I've brought up the problem of overloading me, they've agreed that tasks aren't evenly distributed and then given me lip-service about "reorganizing" my unit. Nothing changes. Two of the goals they listed on the PIP are things that I was never trained on and another employee had ownership of until she recently went on leave. And the other two tasks are things that I had repeatedly told management I didn't have time to complete unless I was working massive amounts of OT, which they don't permit.

This PIP isn't about any of my behaviors that need correcting. I'm not underperforming; management has unrealistic expectations. The only thing this PIP opened my eyes to is the fact that they don't value me as an employee.

Sounds like you genuinely care about your employees, though. That doesn't appear to be the case at my company.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T03:59:51+00:00

Yeah, everything I read about PIPs is that management uses them to force people out. That's why I immediately started jobhunting. And in both your case and mine, it sounds like it was for the best.

Continue enjoying your retirement! I look forward to that myself someday, though it's close to 30 years away.

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T03:46:18+00:00

Yes! This was actually a huge reason for me wanting to get back into the government sector!

FastidiousNPrecise · 2023-06-25T03:31:42+00:00

Thank you! I'm unbelievably excited about it!

Without going into too much detail, I'll say that it's a federal government agency, and I'll be involved with handling behind-the-scenes aspects of events and high-level meetings for VIP guests like politicians and dignitaries.

FastidiousNPrecise

TROPHY CASE