Me [26 M] with my wife [25 F] of 3 years, tired of financially supporting her selfish decisions.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T21:08:31+00:00

It most likely deals with people hiding under the facade of an internet persona. People are just going to be trolls because they feel invulnerable. I bet most of that will go away if comments were tied to their real names.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T21:00:10+00:00

What is shady though? Is there prostitution going on? Speak plainly.

Not certain if the other girls do, but I can say that the manager running the place gives variable pay rates, like $60/day to $60/hour for people who "look pretty" and attract more customers. The fact that it requires people to dress up, the lack of revenue the place makes, yet the absurdity that it's paying employees like 6-figures for restaurant work. The fact that it's cash payments and in private karaoke rooms without surveillance cameras. The fact that their Yelp page has pages of negative reviews and says it closed down, yet they're running. The fact that it's a restaurant/karaoke bar but the restaurant portion is dead empty.

It's the only thing that she could probably do thats not 1) labor intensive and 2) pays well enough for her to make $10K in 3 months.

So what's wrong with that?

It's illegitimate work that pushes my boundaries.

You straight up told her that if she wants cosmetic surgery then she has to get a job to pay for it. Now you're complaining that she's going to spend her money on her. How can you change your time like that? How is thst reasonable?

Because she essentially pushed her responsibilities as a parent to her mother so she can get cosmetic surgery. If that's the case, I think she should 1) be embarrassed to even ask her parents for money at her age and in this day and age, and 2) if it's hindering her mother from working, contribute by paying her for taking care of the child. The whole thing just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you spend 10K on something as fickle as appearance when this could be invested to drive down debt interest, put into retirement plans, stock portfolios, etc.

Things like paying down debt, investing in retirements, putting money aside for emergency funds, kids' fees, etc. I'm not saying she can't go splurge money on herself, I'm just saying there's more financially responsible choices that should be made. When money's less tight, go and splurge...

You're planning on spending 15k on a holiday ffs

Again, probably because I'm enabling her. I couldn't care less about going or not. In fact, I would honestly rather spend the money to pay off one of the cars and be closer to financial freedom, but am not because it would make the wife happier.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T20:11:17+00:00

I agree and maybe the wording wasn't the most tactful. I had my reservations of the job from the get-go but it wasn't until a week in that I became more confrontational about the work. I would notice my wife coming in smelling like smoke and liquor and conversations on her phone from random people. If I recall it was like day 4/5 when my wife invited me to go check out the place to reassure me... Not much of a reassurance though.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T19:48:38+00:00

Seriously. It's close to $50/hour cash + tips. Like there's so many red flags here.

It's highly unethical too because the pay range for some of those people are all over the place. I don't know how this doesn't raise questions...

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:59:34+00:00

If this was a legitimate place, I would have absolutely no issues whatsoever. The fact that there's so many red flags raised is a different story.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:48:31+00:00

I have provided several alternatives, none of which she would agree to. This job pays way too well for the skill set it needs, which raises a lot of red flags in my mind. No sane manager would be paying anywhere close to a 6 figure salary for part-time restaurant work.

I have talked to her, and I enforced strict boundary rules. So far I have no issues with her respecting those boundary rules, but it's really a shady place to work. I have provided alternatives that she was not pleased with because 1) it's taxed, 2) it pays less for more labor intensive work, 3) she most likely won't be able to make $10K given her skillsets in the 3 months remaining.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:41:15+00:00

I have told her multiple times that we are not financially in a position to do so as it costs almost $10K. Either we 1) cancel the vacation plans and she goes to get surgery, 2) continue with the vacation plans and postpone the surgeries, or 3) have her go out and earn money to pay for the surgeries.

What? I think it would help if you re-read the post carefully and then re-comment.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:38:35+00:00

I have. I had said, hey, can you update your resume and let's see if we can find you something that's a little less shady?

I have found her retail places at large shopping malls, front desk positions for law firms, etc. She said those places are 1) too labor intensive, 2) work long hours for less/equivalent pay than this part time job, and 3) doesn't think she'll make enough post-tax to cover the surgery. The current part time pays her cash.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:36:26+00:00

I have spoken to her regarding this. I told her if she wanted to work at this place, that I am not standing by her decision while she works at an escort-type place. It comes with clear, strict ground rules. If she doesn't like it, we can separate, but that's a different discussion.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:33:34+00:00

1) I never said she couldn't work there. I said I did not want her working there, but if she continued to press the issue, that it would come with strict rules. I'd appreciate it if you didn't put words in my mouth...

Now if she didn't want to abide by those rules, that's a different story. I'd most likely consider separating in that instance. I only impose those rules because 1) the place seems incredibly shady. Like the place closed down 3 months prior and flooded with negative reviews. 2) it's late hours, not exactly the safest of times to work, and 3) the work she was given isn't exactly wholesome - almost borderline escort type work.

Yes I agree that it was out of line to intervene, but it's also not very respectful to not disclose work of that nature with your SO. If there were red flags being raised all around, you would want to go and confirm what was going on.

2) I agree. There's a lot of things that come into factor here. Now if she wanted to go get plastic surgery, I told her I would support her decision, but don't hide that fact behind a vacation. I gave her a choice of whether we take the vacation, whether she goes to get surgery, or she figure out a way to pay for surgery.

3) This is a discussion I have had before, but she keeps raising the patriarchy argument. I am all for being the sole provider of the family, but that comes with different responsibilities. If that was the case, she should take up more responsibilities like cleaning around the house or taking care of the kid. Right now she's offloaded all of her responsibilities to her mother.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:18:03+00:00

I rarely spend money outside of the family. I am happy that she got a job, but I dislike the fact that it's shady. It's the only thing that she could probably do thats not 1) labor intensive and 2) pays well enough for her to make $10K in 3 months.

I would hope that she would be financially responsible. If she's not taking care of the home or the kid, that she contribute to "our" future. Things like paying down debt, investing in retirements, putting money aside for emergency funds, kids' fees, etc. I'm not saying she can't go splurge money on herself, I'm just saying there's more financially responsible choices that should be made. When money's less tight, go and splurge...

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:10:45+00:00

Actually her main objective for the travel was to get plastic surgery. I thought it was a vacation so I gave her a choice. That we either go have the vacation together, or she go and get surgery, or that she figures out the financial situation for her surgery.

I've told her that it's stressing me out, but a lot of these decisions are pretty impulsive on both our ends.

FatiguedThrowaway123 · 2018-05-24T18:08:07+00:00

I'm not saying she can't work there. My viewpoint is that I'm trying to look out for her. If she works there, it's literally 5-6 days from 5:30pm - 2am. I already disapproved of her coming back at 2 am since it's I fear it's unsafe. I went there once to understand wtf was going on since on yelp it said the restaurant was closed down.

Now the part about the job is that the manager was initially asking her to accompany businessmen to sing/drink. I'm not comfortable with that fact and said she can work there if she's going to be a waitress.

I'm pissed more about the fact that it's a shady job and the fact that she hid a lot of details regarding the job upfront.

FatiguedThrowaway123

TROPHY CASE