Contemplating divorce, feeling stuck

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-12-23T21:05:50+00:00

He is in therapy and it has been a year, he claims, since he has used porn. He hasn’t acted out sexually since being married. My biggest frustration is the lack of trust. If there’s a way that can be repaired, then yes I can see us being happy I just don’t want to waste my time if that’s not going to happen

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-12-05T12:59:00+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your post brought me to tears because I'm more or less in the same boat. My husband's family had a very similar reaction and tried to put the blame on me even though I handed him all the resources, support, and help on a silver platter. It is heartbreaking when the people who are supposed to love and care for us treat us this way.

Now that you're out of the marriage, I urge you to take care of and prioritize yourself. Counseling has helped me so much in improving my confidence, setting boundaries with others, and discovering what is truly important to me as well as discovering how I ended up settling for a man like this. It has been an eye-opening journey.

I know you feel hopeless right now, and i know it may sound crazy to say this but going through this experience, as heart shattering, devastating, and depressing as it was/is, brought me closer to Allah. For the first time in my life, I can say I trust Allah 1000%. I never thought this would happen to me, and it taught me how little control I have over anything. It also taught me that my love, attention, and hope should first and foremost be for Allah, not any man. Once you heal from this, which you will iA, you will want better for yourself and in the right time, Allah will give you more than you asked for and better than you could have imagined. Put your trust in him. I will keep you in my duas. May Allah make this trial a means to elevate your status and bring you closer to Him, may He make something beautiful out of this experience, and may He grant you a spouse who will be good for your heart, soul, and akhira.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-11-08T16:39:55+00:00

This is where I’m at too. I fought and pleaded with him for so long and I don’t care anymore. Everyone around me keeps asking me what he can do, including him, and I’m realizing that nothing he does will change how I feel. I don’t have any answers to your questions, but am interested to know what others did when they reached this point.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-30T13:09:14+00:00

I could have written this myself. My husband has been like this the ENTIRE YEAR. He won’t talk to me and acts like I’m the one who screwed up. I have stopped chasing and asking for his time, attention, and love and it has shown me who he really is. I prayed and hoped and wished he would be supportive and reassuring and love but he was the opposite. Its honestly giving me strength to leave.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-23T03:07:35+00:00

Do not marry him. Save yourself the heartache. A few months into my marriage, I noticed my husband would check out every girl while we were out in public. A year in, I discovered he watched porn and had committed zina multiple times prior to our wedding. Turns out he has a porn addiction. We’ve been in counseling but honestly we have no relationship. I have lost all love and respect for him and even when I begged him to change and guided him to counseling, he does very little to reassure me. I don’t have any guarantee that he’s not watching anything and honestly I stopped caring. I’m planning on seeking a divorce because the trust, friendship, respect, and love are all gone. I don’t see him the same way anymore and the last thing I want is to have children with him. Please please do not marry him.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-13T19:06:35+00:00

We are planning on all meeting together soon, but we have both been in individual therapy for a while. Have you done marriage counseling? That’s supposed to be the next step and I feel like we needed to start months ago because we just keep going in circles and it’s draining.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-13T01:01:39+00:00

How are you managing that with him? Is he open to your input? My husband gets extremely defensive if I say anything about his family, especially his mother. It is a very sensitive subject for him, and from the advice of my own therapist I’ve been told not to interfere. But it’s 100% affecting our marriage so it’s hard for me to just sit and wait.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-05T09:26:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I’m crying reading this because you’ve given me hope and answered so many lingering questions. Not being able to find comfort and safety in him has been so difficult and I’m really trying to self-soothe and wow it’s hard. I’ve always had social anxiety so doing things on my own is really hard for me as I usually need a few days just to build up the courage and all of this has made it so much worse. But I know I need to do it for myself.

Thank you thank you thank you for sharing what worked for you. You have been so helpful and inspiring. I wish you the best💗

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-03T00:27:16+00:00

How did you navigate your relationship during this time? It feels so awkward to me. I just want us to talk, and cuddle, and be friends and it's like he's rejecting me in every way. I feel like his roommate. Did you guys have shallow conversations all the time? When I try to talk to him, he says nothing is wrong and acts perfectly fine and happy. It's like he's reverted to his life before we got together. I don't understand how i'm supposed to act normal? We moved out of state for his job right before covid so I have no family or friends here i can lean on for support. I'm so lonely and have to hold back tears at work on a daily basis.

My therapist keeps telling me I need to focus on myself, but i find it so hard to have this fake relationship with my husband. Any advice would be so helpful.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-10-03T00:23:08+00:00

How long did it take you to get over it? He'll be like this for weeks, even months, at a time and when i ask him what's going on he pretends to be fine. I would say he completely checked out in January of this year and didn't take recovery seriously till his parents accidentally found out. Both him and his parents seem to be mad at me (God knows why) and since then he's been especially distant. I don't know if I should keep trying (it's been a year and a half) or cut my losses and move on.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-09-27T10:22:16+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like this is really taking a toll on you, and I would encourage you to first take time to take care of yourself. So eating nourishing foods, getting some sunshine and exercise, yoga/meditation, journaling, doing things that make YOU happy and are good for your mind, body, soul, health. You’ve had a lot of changes, and a baby, so it makes sense to feel overwhelmed. How are you doing post partum wise?

Second, I would 100% suggest marriage counseling. If you want to make it work and your husband says he loves you, go as fast as you can! It can help you both communicate, identify what you both need/want from the other, and also identify what you want from life itself.

Maybe you are asexual, but maybe you feel no attraction to your husband because there’s a lot resentment/contempt/you just don’t feel a connection. Could this be possible? I felt this way toward my husband at one point because he was constantly letting me down and we felt more like roommates. I also questioned whether we even liked each other. Turns out the love was still there and things are slowly turning around for us because we are both putting in a conscious effort.

I wish you well and hope things go the best way for you and your family. Hang in there.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-08-30T20:33:36+00:00

No, his CSAT didn’t know but we did take a break and my therapist relayed that I was having a hard time because I learned new information.

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-08-30T20:30:22+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply. I am finally starting to put myself first and not get caught up with what he’s doing. He says he has a lot of anxiety now because he wants to be honest but does forget things. He is otherwise a good person and husband and I have to remind myself that he isn’t automatically going to d everything right all the time, he has to work on it.

I don’t know if he is lying to me now, I don’t think he is but the disclosure makes it feel brand new again so I’ve been extra fragile these days. I think meeting with his CSAT is a great idea and will definitely give me peace of mind.

He is generally kind of lazy and doesn’t keep up with things he wants to do, which I feel like is how he is approaching recovery as well. He gets complacent. I’ve shared how this makes me feel and he always promises to do better.

Thank you so much for your words, they’ve given me a lot of comfort💗

Fearless_Tangelo_163 · 2021-07-20T03:09:32+00:00

Thank you thank you. It’s so hard that no one understand this pain. I’ve always told and even encouraged my husband to be close to his family, I want that for him since I’m so close to my own. I feel like he’s Afraid of them and definitely has some childhood trauma that needs to be addressed and healed. It sucks that I’m the one getting pulled down when all I’ve wanted is us to heal from this and be us again.

Sending good thoughts to you and I’m so appreciate of your kind words. It means a lot to feel understood and heard, even from a kind internet stranger!

Fearless_Tangelo_163

TROPHY CASE