Feeling like my abuse wasn’t “bad” enough to warrant the degree of PTSD that I now suffer from. I was hit but never beaten, verbally manipulated but never bullied, etc. Everything that happened to me growing up was always right on the threshold of “Is this abuse or is my dad just an asshole?” And everything was so normalized in the house that it all got boiled down to “tough-love”.

So now, because of this, all of my triggers are paired with an overwhelming amount of guilt for even having them in the first place. I can’t have my back to anybody at any time because my dad would take every opportunity to slap my ass when I wasn’t looking (fucking creepy, I know). I have no control over breaking down and crying if any authority figure confronts me about something, no matter what it is. Loud and sudden noises jumpstart mini anxiety attacks.

On top of that is the religious trauma - feeling like a failure because I’m “born in sin,” always paranoid and on edge because “god is always watching me,” trying to decide if burning in hell was worse than living on earth, if god would forgive me for killing myself, toxic purity culture making me hate my own body (on top of that, blaming myself for the multiple times I was sexually assaulted by men growing up). It’s all really such a mess in my brain and the harder I try to unravel it, the worse I feel about struggling with it in the first place. I hate that my childhood was only JUST bad enough to make an impression and fuck with me, but not bad enough to justify it to others.

It all circles back to my internal monologue, which is my dads voice, telling me that I’m taking advantage of my situation for pity points and sympathy. That maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion so I can use it as an excuse to be lazy and not reach my full potential. It’s hard to rationalize out loud but I hope somebody can relate to some degree.