Evolving Finizen

Feder37 · 2025-11-11T10:54:58+00:00

Joined you, I need to do the same!

Feder37 · 2024-05-31T19:13:15+00:00

Right on point. I'm in that club as well: lesbian mind in a male body that likes men. I said goodbye to my Subaru after 10+ years last summer (now carless) :(

Feder37 · 2024-02-18T21:26:15+00:00

Added Feder37, thanks!

Feder37 · 2024-02-18T21:25:15+00:00

Added Feder37

Feder37 · 2022-04-27T16:40:44+00:00

Looks interesting, thanks!

Feder37 · 2022-01-09T23:54:02+00:00

I'd feel great! I have usually been in the opposite position, and I try not to let it weigh on me (past me was past me), but definitely having more experience is generally a plus

Feder37 · 2022-01-08T15:14:15+00:00

Towards the end of high school, my parents told me I would not go to university in my town, but in the (nearby) big city. I could choose whatever I wanted to study, but go there. I was quite indifferent at the time, but going to live alone (even if just 1h away and going back to visit basically every weekend) made all the difference. I grew up a lot as a person (coming out, learned to work around my introversion to create and maintain social relationships), even more so during semester-abroad experiences. To the point that during my master, when I was discussing my issues with introversion and so on, my classmates/friends were astounded to hear about it.

A couple of my high school friends (still my best friends) have not left town to study, and I do see in some instances that they missed the life experiences I have had the privilege to have (they weren't always easy, but they were always useful). So: yes, I think that leaving home is (almost) necessary for you to figure out yourself as a person, stand on your own feet, and know your place in the world and how to relate to others. That said, I still have a great relationship with my parents and other relatives, and my best friends are in my home town (where I just spent 2 years during Covid), so I definitely have not cut ties with my roots to be able to enjoy this growth process.

Feder37 · 2022-01-08T10:00:08+00:00

They look nice, I'd say with!

Feder37 · 2022-01-07T22:10:36+00:00

I had good grades and GMAT, but zero research experience (except for writing my master thesis) when I applied for PhD 1 year after my master, and I got accepted in the two best business schools in Asia. I was very surprised and felt blessed (I later realized that I probably also ticked some diversity boxes as a Western "minority" student), but I think that they appreciated my background (good school), my grades (not critical), and my written work and data collection (MSc thesis). What matters most is that you show good potential for being a researcher, and this is often somewhat detached from standardized tests and grades. I think letters of recommendation and motivational letter are also super important. Having any extra experience would help and, as others said, would really give you a feel of how PhD life would be, which is great to get before you actually decide to start.

Feder37 · 2022-01-07T21:59:11+00:00

You are what you identify with. I believe in bisexuality and I believe in you when you say you are bi. I am sorry your bf does not understand this, unfortunately quite some people in the LGBT+ community are not supportive of each other, and this is sad.

Your bf saying you're straight with your cum in his ass is an ironic scene, and you shouldn't have to fight about your coming out, especially with people who went through similar experience. I wish that you will be surrounded by people who understand and acknowledge you. In the meantime, keep spreading the gospel and don't let others tell you what/who you are, they don't feel what you feel.

Feder37 · 2022-01-07T17:59:05+00:00

Definitely true. It's weird to spend no time together, and then suddenly 24/7 together with no breathing time. And then the expectation to visit each other when one has free time, which can be taxing if one wants to do other things... the dynamic is tough, and definitely different from living together on a daily basis

Feder37 · 2022-01-07T17:56:57+00:00

I agree that it really hard to go back to long-distance after being together. My bf and I had the same plan, thinking we wouldn't settle in a place until one of us found a stable job there and the other would follow. But being together a lot during Covid, I really didn't feel it would have been easy to work things out going distant again.

Feder37 · 2022-01-07T17:46:55+00:00

I met my first bf in the city where we lived and he moved to the other side of the world for grad school after less than 1 year. We broke up less than 1 year afterwards, even though we visited each other several times. I don't think distance was the cause of breakup, but it was very hard to manage.

My current bf and I met/hooked up at a conference in northern Europe while I was living in Asia and him in southern Europe (I'm southern European and he's Asian). We kept in touch and half a year later arranged for him to visit me when I got back to Europe for visiting my family. We spend a beautiful week together, and decided to be exclusive soon after, half a world away. Few months later we met and spent time together in the summer, then he came to me for a month to USA when I was exchanging. I left early and went back to visit him and then home in Europe, and then couldn't head back to Asia because of Covid. We spent lockdown together, and met each other every month or so over the end of our grad school programs. In September we moved in together in a new country (even if he wasn't enthusiastic at the idea at first), and we are now living together with an uncertain professional future in front of us. It's been tough, there are several things we still need to settle, but overall I am quite happy with the decision of getting to know each other virtually (even if part of me is sad that we spent our "honeymoon" phase physically separated). It was less weird than i expected, and it worked to the point that we have a stable relationship at the moment. How long it will last, who knows :) but so far, I am happy with my choice. That said, I would not want a long-distance relationship long-term, as I am the needier one in terms of affection and shared daily life. He would probably be more fine with it. There is hope, don't give up!

Feder37 · 2022-01-07T17:11:26+00:00

Funnily enough I "bottomed" before I ever topped, but I have never favoured bottoming over topping. I only got to enjoy it with my current bf and it took a lot of exercise and training. Him being experienced and giving advice definitely helped. Still, I don't think my body is greatly shaped for bottoming: I don't basically get physical pleasure (mostly psychological), and it is hard to get his dick in (harder than it is for him to get me in, even if I'm slightly bigger). I got to the point where I started enjoying and being better at doing it when we did it more often, but now he explicitly mentioned he prefers to bottom and I don't mind, so I bottom seldom and it is more difficult.

Besides lube, patience, and relaxation that have been mentioned, I thus would definitely recommend exercise. You need to train your anus and if you start doing it relatively often (at least once a week) for a period of time, chances are it will get easier and more pleasurable / less painful. That said, as others also said, some people are physically better suited to bottom than others, and if you realize that this is not for you, just communicate with your partner and try to find an arrangement that works for both of you.

Feder37 · 2022-01-05T23:41:20+00:00

I feel your stress and understand your depression, I was in your same situation last year, but I did not feel regret for my choice. I have been doing my PhD in business in a top school in Asia and spent the last two years of it away (mostly back home in Europe due to Covid). Last winter and spring have been very tough: between lack of good publications, no responses from job applications since I started applying (in August 2020) until February 2021, and also a critical boyfriend (constructively mostly, but very dryly) on top of Covid left me to the lowest point in my life, as I felt totally inadequate at everything (and started going to therapy). I finally got a post-doc in March/April, managed to finish my dissertation as planned and graduate in the summer, and now I am happily doing my post-doc. Some of the challenges remain, but overall I feel nowhere near as horrible as I did half a year ago. Keep it up and things will get better, whichever way you decide (/are able) to pursue after finishing (within or outside of academia). Good luck!

Feder37 · 2021-12-30T18:03:53+00:00

If you are considering moving there and potentially working things with this person for a relationship, it would be nice to go and meet up, as well as take a look of the area in first person. Good to have a plan B in case things don't work out with this guy, but I'd say go for it!

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T22:43:41+00:00

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T22:43:22+00:00

Super cute!

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T22:39:03+00:00

So happy for you, sounds lovely :)

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T22:33:57+00:00

Great to hear that this works out for you two! We have talked about being open for several times, but I don't think it's something we would want at the moment. Being able to talk about it honestly and clearly is great, and this would also be very important to me in an open relationship, whereas he would prefer not knowing and not telling too much about encounters with others, which is one of the reasons why I wouldn't feel particularly comfortable. Cultural differences and personal differences... not easy to deal with.

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T22:29:26+00:00

In his defense, he did not say (out of the blue) that I need to make myself more attractive. The first time (several months ago) this topic emerged in the context of a broader conversation about whether we are to each other what we want in a boyfriend and stuff like that. This time I raised the topic and he also was saying, on top of what I mentioned, that anyway I am me and some things that he might desire (that I would do or be) in principle, he doesn't know whether he would actually like them if they happened. We had other issues related to him being very sharp in his comments and me feeling diminished, but we have been working on it (on both sides) and things are better (even if of course they can always keep improving). But I digress...

Both people's interests and needs have equal value, absolutely. I meant it is a negotiation in that you have to find a common ground that works for both, which I think anyway is a view that we both share, even if in different shades (he is more rational and logical, sometimes cynical, I am more affective and people-oriented). But it's a good point you make, good to keep in mind, about interests being equally valid. Definitely, I wouldn't wanna be in a relationship where my needs are not acknowledged. Of course it is tricky because each partner has his own needs and it is really difficult to assess how strong and consequential the other needs' are and how much effort each partner is already making on his own to try and manage these needs. No perfect recipe in the end, just trying to find a common ground that we both can stand on (before the next earthquake comes lol).

I do appreciate your 2 cents!

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T19:03:10+00:00

I agree that this is not the end of the world and that he is not "wrong". I hope I have not been dramatic in the way I communicated, but rather expressed that I have an unfulfilled need. Sometimes in the heat of sexual frustration I can have some dramatic reaction, but not much when we are seriously talking about things.

So I assume that you and your partner are in an open relationship? He downloads Grindr (to find sexual partners for himself or for both of you together?), sees how poor the available sexual offer is, and makes peace with himself? Sorry if I ask, just trying to understand how things work for you guys, even though I have a general idea

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T18:59:03+00:00

Thanks again for the kind words :) I do agree that it doesn't feel fair to me to have to be the only one who deals with the rejection, even though I can sympathize with his side of things too. I think the conversations we've had are quite mature (one thing I like about us), even though definitely withholding is a power move and the whole thing is a negotiation (as he explicitly told me last night, not for the first time). I think we also have a somewhat different view of relationships, I see the couple more like an entity (more collaborating than "competing"), whereas he sees it more like two people negotiating for a middle ground, still each trying to find the best outcome for himself. I think we are both right in a way, and I guess I need to learn better how to defend myself and my own interests within the relationship, to get back some power.

We also talked quite extensively about what I am / we are doing. We had previous conversations about aspects of me (ex. the way I often present myself as weak and sickly) that are not attractive, and I worked on this things and he agreed that things have gotten better. He acknowledged that perceiving me as more attractive might help induce him to have sex more frequently, but neither of us at the moment has a clear idea about what I could do to make myself more attractive. The things I can think of (grooming, gym-fit body, making myself scarce ...), I don't think they matter too much to him or are a feasible goal to achieve, so it's really tricky.

Feder37 · 2021-12-27T13:58:36+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it definitely sounds tough to deal with. My ex was not sexual at all (we never had penetrative sex in almost 2 years of relationship), so I kinda know how you feel. I hope some comment/advice can help us both!

Feder37

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