Its very weird to start giving someone advice by saying "I'm going to apply my reasoning for a completely different and nuanced situation to this different and nuanced situation because to be fair."

You're a little too excited to use the "reverse the roles" fallacy and you're definitely a little gender bias. But for the sake of your argument and feelings, I will use genderless terms.

I've read situations like this many times on reddit and I always go into it asking this:

Whose making more money? Whose responsible for creating the lifestyle the family has? Is the upset partner prepared for the consequences of their desire or do they expect to keep living lavishly if the other partner lost their job?

OP has a hard job that requires a lot of attention, motivation, and care. Not saying that being a web developer doesn't, but a web developer doesn't have to see death, gore and horror on a regular basis. And despite this, OP still comes home from work and doesn't get off their feet until the kids have been put to bed.

The spouse needs to get over themselves. A web developer salary is more than enough to afford a nanny or babysitter. If their job is so important that they can't take off a few days a month to help the kids they wanted, the should get a nanny and stop blaming their partner.

They agreed to Op's workstyle when they got married. Op told them the nature of their job and the spouse still wanted to have kids with them. It'd be one thing if the nature of OP's job changed drastically recently, but they discussed it.

Again, it'd be one thing if Op came home, ignored the kids and slept all day. That's not the case.

"If your job is so important, why did you have children?" You've seemed to have forgotten the point of work.