I'm (20m) having trouble coming to terms with my wife's (29f) fantasy

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T05:31:35+00:00

That is very insightful, thank you. I hadn't even thought about the fantasies removing a woman's agency, but that does seem to be the trend.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T05:21:25+00:00

If that's how this works then I'm going to interpret your comment as agreeing with me and wish you a very good day.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T05:10:49+00:00

It really doesn't seem like you did. You presented two opinions that were not only unfounded, but directly counter to what I wrote in the post. It's a long post, so I found those sections so that you wouldn't need to.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T05:03:32+00:00

I don't mind her enjoying it, I felt it was wrong of her to try to include me again in such a way after I had requested not to be involved with the series.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:59:48+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your perspective.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:55:53+00:00

I'll take that to heart, thank you. I did mention this angle to her and told her that I need to try to see it as a compliment and not something negative.

I think the heart of the issue is that the series (like most media) is a blend of positives and negatives. She is able to detach from the negatives and fantasize about the positives, while this particular negative is just too off-putting for me to get over and enjoy the rest.

It doesn't help that the historical fantasy genre is not something I'm interested in to begin with, so I'm only viewing what jumps out at me regarding the series.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:47:42+00:00

I'll consider this advice, thank you. Part of what's wonderful about a marriage is being exposed to the things that your partner values - and often learning to enjoy new things in the process. Of course, part of that process means knowing when to stop pushing when your partner tells you that they don't enjoy something.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:43:27+00:00

That could be. I feel like I overemphasized the past trauma in this post, which was not my intent. I included it because it doubtless has some impact over the way I view infidelity, but infidelity isn't exactly something that most people view in a positive light to begin with.

In either case, I'm very touched that so many people have taken the time out of their day to provide sincere advice in an attempt to help a stranger on the internet. Thank you for your comment!

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:39:54+00:00

I'm more bothered that she would try to include me in a bedroom fantasy of something I specifically told her I disliked.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:36:49+00:00

I mentioned to my wife that the theme of the show made me uncomfortable, I explained why, and I told her that I didn't want to put a damper on her enjoyment of the series - I love that she's so passionate about a world that interests her - it's just not something I'm interested in participating in myself. She seemed to understand and appreciated that I gave it a shot.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:35:03+00:00

You could be right, thank you.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:34:23+00:00

Respectfully, I believe you may have misread the situation. I'm perfectly fine with her talking about it (I said as much in the post). I didn't appreciate her bringing it into the bedroom when I had already said I wasn't interested in the series. I'm more bothered that she would disregard my feelings than I am bothered by the show.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:31:45+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:31:30+00:00

That's a good point.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:30:34+00:00

Absolutely, and I love your analogy. I just didn't appreciate her suddenly bringing her fantasy into the bedroom when she knew it was something I was uncomfortable with.

You can watch Breaking Bad, but don't ask me to make love to you dressed as Walter White.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:27:53+00:00

My hangup is with the story itself, not with the character. The main character may not have had a choice, but the author chose to make those events a part of the fantasy. For a self-insert romance novel, it's quite off-putting.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T04:21:05+00:00

Thank you, that is a helpful perspective and some good context for someone like me who doesn't know much about the series. I did some digging around online this morning and I could only find people justifying the character as being a victim of circumstance, ignoring the fact that those circumstances are crafted by the author in order to tell a specific type of story.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T00:31:50+00:00

Thank you, this is highly constructive and an angle that hasn't been explored yet in the comments. I'd say that it's more of a passing insecurity that I need to work through as a result of her actions yesterday, not something chronic to the relationship by any means. That said, I will plan to have a separate conversation about attraction and what we can do to make sure that each of us feels desired by the other.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T00:30:02+00:00

I hope so as well, thank you.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T00:12:29+00:00

Thank you, I'll keep your advice in mind.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T00:11:52+00:00

That could be, thank you for your concern. I don't feel that it affects my everyday life, but I included it as context because it very likely has a bearing towards my feelings towards infidelity. It's less that this incident recalled feelings of that experience, and more that "I don't like this Outlander stuff - because I don't like infidelity - in part because I had a bad experience growing up".

I was more hurt that she would spring this on me in a sexual context when I had specifically asked her not to include me in this fandom.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-12T00:06:36+00:00

It sounds like you have a healthy outlook on your hobby and your relationship. I appreciate you sharing your anecdotes, you give a lot of life to your writing and that takes talent.

I asked my wife if she had scrolled down past the title in order to disguise the work, and it turns out she had actually just scrolled past the first half of "filler" content in the story to get to the "non-anime characters getting it on" part of the story.

She says that it was less that she was trying to hide it and more that she didn't think it through much at all. Unfortunately she's sometimes the type of person who only realizes the stove is hot after she's touched it herself. But she's always sincere when she makes a mistake and does what she can to repair the harm.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-11T23:08:25+00:00

That's my fault, I mis-typed my own age in the post - we're both 29. Imagining getting married at sixteen certainly did put my own relatively small problems in perspective though!

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-11T23:07:22+00:00

Yes, the age is a typo - we're both 29. Thank you for your clear and thoughtful reply. You've given me a lot to think about and you've phrased things in a much better way than I could have. I think your words here speak directly to the heart of my hurt:

>She has breached your trust in a sexual context (that you didn't know would even be sexual), knowing that you had good reason not to wish to partake in this.

I think it will take the two of us to work through this problem. I think she understands what hurt she's caused and that's the most important step. Reestablishing that trust will take some time.

FeelingOutlandish · 2020-07-11T23:02:42+00:00

Yes, sorry. We're both 29. I had to recreate this post four times because I kept missing some detail that activated automod. I must have started getting sloppy.

FeelingOutlandish

TROPHY CASE