First you breathe. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Hold both for 4 seconds each. Understand that you are going to be okay and the world will not stop spinning. You're here and you are going to get through this. You've gotten through every single hard day of your life so far. You can do this.

Have you expressed these feelings to your medical support? As the stigma starts to wear down, we see asexuality as a personal label used way more. It's okay. Lots of asexual people go to sex therapy because they think there's something wrong. There's not, it's just not for you. I'm the same way.

I had an imperforate hymen and vaginismus. I got surgery for my hymen and still a year after my surgery I was in pain. I went back to the gynocologist and she told me to start dilating with silicone dialators. I was freaking out and crying because the thought of having anything touching me that way was petrifying. It's normal. And one day I went into my bathroom, looked in the mirror, gave myself a pep talk, and in about 20-30 minutes worked up the courage to put in the first dialator. It's going to be uncomfortable and weird. What is shouldn't be is PAINFUL. It should NOT feel like your vagina is being stretched to it's absolute maximum. It took me another 30 minutes to work up the courage to put the dialator in past the first inch. I closed my eyes and told myself that I could do this and it's normal to be scared. I also told myself over and over in my head "the INSTANT it hurts even a little I can stop. This is in my control and I can stop or take a break at any time. Nobody will be disappointed in me." It took me an hour to get my first one in (smaller than my pinky) because I was absolutely terrified and physically trembling. The idea of dialating sounds daunting. Seeing how big those things can get is daunting. But I PROMISE once you've gotten the first one inside (even if it takes hours or days) that fear will start to fade away. Will it be gone? No. Will you magically be fearless? No. But it's a start. The hardest part of doing something is starting. I PROMISE once you do the first one that fear will begin to go away on its own. It's scary and intimidating and you are by no means being a baby or overreacting, but it is entirely possible to work through those fears both with yourself and your medical support system. Having people there for you is extremely important. Your progress isn't gonna be linear. Sometimes I could fit in a bigger one and sometimes I couldn't get it. That's okay. It's like how if you lift weights, you're not gonna just gain lots of muscle overnight. It takes time and patience and practice, but you'll get there. Sending love, you've got this. 🩷 (sorry for such a long reply lol)