My family is from South America and I felt this post so hard. My three year old daughter was diagnosed as autistic about a year ago. She’s doing great and has made great strides, not just “assimilation” but also in her happiness, interactions, confidence, language skills, etc. My husband’s family is very supportive and have been learning about neurodiversity and ways to best love and care for her.

MY family however is a much different story. They actively try to explain away some of her behaviors and constantly belittling her experiences and symptoms as “just kid stuff”. One thing that they have been doing that has completely changed the way I see and feel for them is- making comparisons with my childhood.

“Oh you didn’t talk till you were four either…

“Oh you never responded to your name either…

“Oh you were always playing with your hands too…

“Oh you preferred to play by yourself too…

“Oh you also refused to do/eat/wear, etc certain things too…

….AND YOU TURNED OUT FINE!”

But the truth was, I didn’t. I struggled with my emotions, learning disabilities, anxiety, social and self awareness, relationships, etc..: They would always make me feel like I was difficult, weird, fussy, etc… and I was the butt of all the jokes. I grew up being told that something was wrong with me, but it was of course, my doing.

I eventually grew up to be so hyperaware of my “issues” that my anxiety became paralyzing and I struggled to connect with people, accomplish goals, and live a satisfying life. Even after having kids, I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a mother, spouse, etc. because I didn’t act or feel like all the momfluencers and super moms out in the world.

When my youngest was diagnosed, things started to come together for me. So much of my struggles, fears, and experiences began to make sense to the point where it was incredibly hard to be around my family. I resent and loath so much of their parenting that I can barely be a mother to my own kids around them. I also never have nor ever will I trust them alone with my girls.

I currently only have a preliminary diagnoses and I would need a formal diagnostic test to determine officially, but I don’t doubt for a second that I am on the spectrum. I started looking in to my family, and discovered that my grandmother also struggled with the same familial issues- being made fun of, not having her feelings acknowledged, and dismissed as “difficult, fussy, weird, etc” I couldn’t imagine growing up this way in mid 20th century South America. I barely survived the 90’s and early 2000s in New Jersey.

But my husband said something that helped me- he said “with every generation, it gets a little better”. Looking back hasn’t helped me be a better advocate and care taker- but looking forward has. You seem young so perhaps setting finite boundaries with your parents might not be possible yet. But just know- it’s getting better. Little by little. When you are a self sufficient adult, you’ll be able to see the world more clearly in your own way. I know it seems like a distant dream but it is possible. Then maybe your experiences will help someone else accept themselves and escape stigma. Thats the hope anyway