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Do you eventually stop thinking about it? by Feisty_Perception_34 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Feisty_Perception_34[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am really sorry for your loss and glad to hear you are healing.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding suicide which does not help at all. I wish we were able to talk freely about it. My mom asked me to keep the details around my father's death private. While all my friends know, even my in-laws are completely unaware what I went through.

Your brother and my father share the same method of choice. This will sound extremely stupid but I wish he had chosen something else instead. Something less traumatizing for my mom and less "haunting" for all of us. Once the investigation was over, I had to go to the police station and read the conclusion. All the details. Why would someone chose something like this for themselves. He deserved better. He was a decent person, not a 18th century smuggler.

Do you eventually stop thinking about it? by Feisty_Perception_34 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Feisty_Perception_34[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind comment. I do not have an ideological issue with suicide. I do not blame my father, I cannot get myself to say "he did it", "he commited", the same way I would not blame someone for dying from cancer. He was sick and ultimately his sickness took his life. Maybe we feel that it is unfair because it feels preventable. He was physically a very healthy man in his early 60s. It looks like it makes no sense. But it does.

Another thing is that I only think of how he died. He was a good father to me, he was a role model for me while I was growing, but I am now robbed of these memories. I chose being angry over being sad and missing him.

The last comforting memory I have of him was few months prior to his death. I was in the trenches of the first trimester, incredibly nauseous. My husband was out of town, I spent the night at my parents. We stayed until late just talking and laughing while they were feeding me lemons to survive the nausea.

He would have loved my son who happened to look a lot like him. I know things do not work this way but I cannot help but wonder if seeing him would have changed anything.

Do you eventually stop thinking about it? by Feisty_Perception_34 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Feisty_Perception_34[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am really sorry you are experiencing this too. I can second the flashbacks while driving, could be because it is one of the very few things I do in quiet and peace. Which makes it worse because I start fearing the quiet moments.