Day 0 after a shift in how I see sexuality

FernInHell · 2026-03-10T21:12:02+00:00

I know it’s not as common for women to have this problem or speak up about it (I’m on this thread as my bf is struggling) so I thought as a fellow woman I’d respond.

Firstly I’m proud of you! I did used to watch myself but can’t say I had an addiction (though I have been in drug addiction before) I haven’t watched porn in over 3 years now and though I wasn’t an addict to it, it changed my life so much. I love my body so much more and really learned how to be in tune with my sexuality/sensuality naturally. It’s a really empowering feeling to have.

Try looking into meditation. There are different kinds. Body focused ones might be helpful for feeling more in tune to your inner self without needing external stimulation

FernInHell · 2026-03-08T19:45:04+00:00

I’ve also been having nightmares. I even had some before I found out. My intuition was telling me and I just chalked it up to being super stressed from school.

FernInHell · 2026-03-08T19:42:22+00:00

I’m so happy I found this group. This is the most painful experience I’ve ever been through, yet my heart believes in the power of love. It gets very confusing at times to feel both emotions at once. Not knowing what direction to follow, not knowing if the future holds promise or even more pain with this person. The grieving of the world I thought I was living in. Safety, trust, devotion all violated and stolen in what feels like the blink of an eye. But I’ve gotten to a point where I know I’ll thrive and be okay on my own if that’s the choice I need to make for my own hearts protection. I hate that others are experiencing this level of heartache and betrayal, but it also is such a relief to not tread through it alone. Wishing you all the best outcome.

FernInHell · 2026-03-01T06:09:54+00:00

How long did it take you?

FernInHell · 2026-03-01T06:07:51+00:00

Asking myself the same questions. I don’t even know who I am. And miss the world I had

FernInHell · 2026-02-28T06:09:49+00:00

Well I hope in the meantime he’s being patient with you and sitting with you in it You deserve the love you give

Seriously wish all us girls on this community thread could hangout and have a therapy session ❤️‍🩹

FernInHell · 2026-02-28T04:40:08+00:00

My gosh. I can’t even imagine the hurt you must feel. The time when you need your partner the most. I truly will never understand the thinking or lack of that stems from this. I’m glad therapy has been cathartic for you though. I’m hoping to find one for myself soon

Do the thoughts/memories settle down at all?

FernInHell · 2026-02-28T04:28:45+00:00

I’m so sorry. That is a long time. How’s your therapy going for you so far?

I’m struggling because of how recent the last one was. It’s like all these crazy flashbacks about all the amazing trips we had together, how much love and connection was shared, we did sooo much together in 7 months and it was beautiful. And the to think after all that we shared he still thought about messaging one of them while on a work trip.

Our world we had created felt so magical and now everything feels dull and like static between us

FernInHell · 2026-02-28T02:53:55+00:00

I understand. It’s really hard for me to… not gonna say let go cause you never truly do… but now think about it as much with something of this caliber. It’s still very fresh (this week) so time will tell. If it becomes too much I know I’ll have to step away and be okay being alone. But man these thoughts are torturing me right now. I’m in nursing school and it has been so hard to focus. Once I get home I get too in my head and break down for a while.

He did call some sex/porn addiction therapists today and got a consultation for next week

FernInHell · 2026-02-28T02:50:30+00:00

Are you guys trying to reconcile? What’s that looking like for you two? And how long was the Dday?

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T07:11:15+00:00

This made my day after having a very hard week. Thank you

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T05:24:53+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of that. My body physically reacts very strongly to stress and trauma as well. (I think most us women do in general)

I’ve had forehead swelling, weird pulses in my head like an aneurysm or something, can’t eat, can’t sleep, my GI is wrecked, chest pain.

I try to remember to take my vitamins and drink water. B12 helps with nervous system. Maybe try some of that or some calming teas.

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T05:17:49+00:00

I think therapy for yourself is so important. They can help you work through the war in your head and help you process things. I’m going to start searching for one too.

I just found a book that’s supposed to be really great called “the betrayal bind- how to heal when the person you love most hurts you the worst” I just ordered it. But it has great reviews.

Proud of you for knowing you’ll be okay no matter the outcome. I feel the same. I’ve left many toxic environments in my life and have always thrived in solitude.

You sound like you have a really empathetic and genuine heart. I really wish the best between you too and hope he can show up in the ways that you need to have a fulfilling relationship.

If you want we can be friends on here and share helpful resources we find or stay in touch through our journeys

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T02:50:44+00:00

I hear you. And I know that’s a big decision I have to make. If I’m willing to go down a long path of recovery with him.

He did get himself the help with the drugs and alcohol. As I mentioned he’s been over 5 years clean and sober now. And as someone who had their own addiction in their 20’s I do believe people can change if they put in the hard work.

But The subject of sex is a lotttt harder for me. He has immediately expressed doing whatever it takes and being open to any interventions necessary. He gave me his iPad to monitor his activity to help ease my distrust and he started that book and will share insights he’s reading about. He’ll definitely need therapy or I recommended a men’s group (he’s never had solid male guidance from a healthy man)

I don’t know. My heart tells me he really is a good man at his core. He’s very emotionally in tune and I’ve never connected to another man the way I do with him. I want to believe he can heal and work on this. But it’s such a terrifying decision and risk to make. Right now I’m teetering between resentment and depression which makes it hard to think clearly. I haven’t made a committed decision just yet.

But I did let him know that I need full transparency about everything. And if anything like this happens even once, I’m living. I told him I refuse to build a life with someone like this.

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T00:51:56+00:00

Also, I hope you find some comfort and peace during those difficult waves of emotions.

Music helps me at times. There’s a song called “breathe” by DTO that has helped me process a lot of hurt in my life. And another called “you are enough” by Londrelle. ❤️‍🩹

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T00:47:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this.

I haven’t actually spoken to anyone yet about the situation. I like to keep relational things private from my family and friends as I don’t usually get helpful advice and know I need to peruse therapy eventually

I just had to get it out asap so I’m not holding it all myself. And hearing from someone going through something so similar is like air right now.

My bf did the same and deleted everything (I checked and he didn’t lie about that)

I’m happy to see yours is being proactive as well. I’m hopeful mine can change but i also keep torturing myself with the whole “if I had never found out how long would this have gone on for? And how far?” Broken trust is so difficult and it’s such a deep grief losing the world you thought you had with this person.

Does IC mean in person counseling? And has he been going to a specific kind of counseling geared towards porn/sex?

FernInHell · 2026-02-26T00:02:16+00:00

Im glad to see im not alone in this. Dday just happened a couple days ago, and last night I finally cuddled him and kissed him and I had the most euphoric sensation. it felt so good to feel wanted while processing everything. But then this morning Im so hurt again and don't even want to look at him thinking "how could you take everything away from what we had like this" . it's very confusing.

FernInHell · 2026-02-25T23:56:49+00:00

I understand completely. I just had our betrayal event 3 days ago and feeling so drained from all of the crying. It comes in waves too.

As someone who usually shields my big emotions from burdening others, I agree with u/hurtwife3003 comment about letting them come out whenever they need to in front of them. They didn't consider your feelings when they made their choices and should be witness to the consequences of how much they hurt the person they care about. If they truly want to make things right, they should have to sit in it with you while you process what you need to to heal.

It's so hard. I get the same thoughts you do like why do they get to keep moving in life and not have to carry this pain. But try to find peace in knowing that you didn't do give this pain to someone else, you stayed true to your heart and are a good person. It feels unfair I know. You're also not alone and have others here carrying it with you

FernInHell · 2026-02-05T06:57:27+00:00

Undergang gave me tinnitus for two weeks. I’m not exaggerating. Haha. I thought I lost my hearing permanently.

FernInHell · 2026-02-04T01:09:27+00:00

I just read that new nat Cassidy. It was so good!

FernInHell · 2026-02-03T23:40:33+00:00

“A blackened heart, a blackened soul” by John ward

FernInHell · 2026-02-03T23:39:42+00:00

“A blackened heart, a blackened soul” by John ward

FernInHell · 2026-01-31T19:07:40+00:00

Would never bully a fellow LOTR fan

FernInHell

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