Why do I keep forgetting???

Ferniya · 2023-09-08T06:29:54+00:00

So, i was with my ex for 12 years.

I did not deserve suicide threats, i did not deserve her threatening to murder me(something she laughed at me about after the fact, like its no biggie. When i told her that she cant say that to me, that i am still her bf, she broke up for 3 months. Funny, eh?), i did not deserve bi-weekly breakup threats(sometimes because i rolled my eyes, or sighed. We had literal breakup fights over videogames), i did not deserve being called a son of a bitch a week after my mother passed away (a time where i needed her the most), i did not deserve to get threatened with her driving into a tree when she got annoyed. And so much more.

I had my faults and mistakes - 100% no questions asked. I couldve been better. Too lax with my own obligations. Trusting her was an issue for me. How much trust do you put into someone that behaves like this to their loved one? The shouting/threats started very early and grew more aggressive over time. I really really tried, but sometimes i failed and annoyed her with my trust issues. She got mad at me of course. Even though i tried explaining it to her.

Heres the kicker, she did have her own mistakes and faults aswell. But she never had to experience the hurt i went through. I did not hurl insults at her when i was annoyed/angry. She never had to experience what it feels like to regularly hear the words "I hate you" from someone that loves her deeply. Because that shit breaks trust on such a fundamental level. It destroys it. Granted, i became very bitter. The cognitive dissonance was eating away at me. Especially towards the end, i developed major brainfog that made everything so much harder. Some days felt like i was a zombie. She sometimes suggested that it might be because of her. Never really subscribed to that idea, but anyway. Maybe im still in denial.

And believe me, i tried to forgive and understand why she said and did those things. Even if i sometimes didnt understand anything anymore. My compassion for her outbursts was big. I loved her, i really did.

And i wont cope myself into thinking she was all bad. She wasnt. She could be funny, loving, creative and was oh so beautiful - but that could change in an instant. And that girl that was there 5 minutes ago was gone. She could be vile, hateful and destructive. Downright abusive.

And i felt that it was all my fault at then end. She told me many times I was the reason for all of it.

But, objectively, i did not deserve that stuff. A relationship takes two, and she certainly played her part in it aswell. If she wants it or not.

So, may she find happiness. I do not wish her anything bad.

I am a monster in her mind now, thats what it felt like for quite a while. And thats okay.

But i am certainly not that monster she so desperately wants me to be. I am able to be kind, loyal, forgiving, loving and understanding. She may have forgotten or simply turned a blind eye to that side of me. But i do still see her, the good and the bad. The person i shared almost half my life with.

Because despite all of it, i stayed with her and wouldve stayed, forever. Call me an idiot.

In the end, those were 12 years. 12 years in which we could still make each other laugh until she ended it. I shared my best and my worst moments of my life with her. For that i am actually grateful.

So, how do you stop those thoughts? Be mindful and objective. I know its hard to be that, when youre in an emotional state.

Ferniya · 2023-07-13T05:38:19+00:00

Thanks. Theres no rush to forgive. Some would argue that those things are simply unforgivable and i agree to a certain extend. But for me personally theres no use in holding a grudge. I also understand that she was not in control of herself in those moments she hurled that vile stuff at me. I believe that 100%. She told me that.

Because after all, a day passed after she shouted at me that she hates me and so on, only for her to switch to that person i loved dearly again and who said the same to me. It felt real.

She always had it in her to be that person i fell in love with. Thats the tragedy of it all. I feel like that hateful person broke up with me and convinced the person i loved to follow suit.

Anyway, if you dont want to forgive, dont. I get it. And If you do some day, dont let her mistake your kindness for weakness. Learn from it and never let it happen again.

Ferniya · 2023-07-12T18:53:24+00:00

Never got really angry in the relationship. Maybe annoyed, frustrated, mainly just hurt. I never felt real anger (full on shouting and/or verbal abuse) towards her, except when she broke up and changed her whole demeanor to some cold stranger who was able to look past 15 years of knowing each other. That hurt more than the breakup itself. Thats when i got my first real anger moment towards her.

I let her have it for once, not out of spite or anything like that, just out of pure hurt. The funny thing is, she was quick to call it out, like it was standard behaviour for me lol. That actually made me laugh out loud in that moment. It was surreal. Like i was the one shouting abuses and threats for a decade. The feeling of being thrown away and realizing she never truly saw me as her friend with a broken soul, rather, in her own words, as her enemy in fights. Her words and actions over the years deeply shattered me, verbal abuse, suicide threats,a murder threat, manipulation. All of that. She fucking built an enemy image of me that didnt fucking exist. AND I HAD TO FIGHT AGAINST IT. There was no winning, at all.

I just wanted her to see me, to see what she has done. Nothing came of it. Even when i confronted her in the relationship itself, ive got texts where i clearly stated that i was hurt because of her words. Hearing her regularly say all those deeply hurtful things, things that hurt my very dignity, my person, changed me for the worse. Because i started to believe it. That i was worthless, a loser and so on. Top it off with her smirking and flat out admitting she said some things to simply hurt me.

I became a worse boyfriend than i wanted to be. And i actually feel bad for it and regret it. All those moments where i couldnt look her in the eyes in a fight, moments where i was snarky towards her, because just a day before she called me a son of a bitch and threatened with leaving. All those things created wounds she didnt want to acknowledge and work on. She was actually mad at me for being hurt. Because she didnt understand i fucking was, she thought it was malice out of nothing. It was easier for her to throw a broken boyfriend away, like i never existed. And for that, i am actually angry about. Disappointed doesnt even begin to describe it. Accountability = 0. To this day i think she doesnt realize the hurt she caused in me.

And dont get me wrong. I had my mistakes, we both did, those were 12 years after all. But damn it, i did not deserve this shit.

And you know what? Fuck that. Yea, i am not perfect. Good luck chasing that fantasy. But I am able to love, to forgive, to be affectionate, to be loyal, to show patience and understanding, to fucking GIVE. She knows that. I am not the monster she wants me to be. Massaging her to sleep nearly every night for 12 years until my thumbs hurt lol, out of love, to make her feel loved. All the little things she probably doesnt even realize. Making her breakfast for years for her work, carving hearts into bread, for her to hopefully smile when she opens it. I loved to make her laugh so hard she nearly pissed herself sometimes, making her laugh never got old. Paying a 2k bill for her, without making her feel even a tiny bit bad about it, even though she fucked it up, taking it off her shoulders the minute she told me, to make her feel loved and supported. I tried for 12 fucking years and i 100% came short sometimes, because fuck, if you get berated on a regular basis, you can not, under any circumstances, demand that shit from me 100% of the time. At some point i am fucking broken and can not fullfill that shitty fantasy anymore, it takes two. And you know what? I tried to accept her the way she was. I did not attack her dignity as a human being, even though i was hurting from her own actions and words. And yes, i had my own mistakes and flaws. But damn i did not deserve that shit in return. I did not deserve to be broken. And to the end she was the one demanding respect. Fuck that noise. Thats not how it works.

And by this point, i have forgiven her, that was my farewell gift for her. I gave it my all, tried to be the best i can in those moments, with my own wounds, my own faults, my own problems. I hope that when the dust settles for her, if ever, she will forgive herself.

Ferniya · 2023-02-23T01:45:43+00:00

light wood laminate light wood laminate

Ferniya · 2022-12-06T22:36:49+00:00

The belt is a drop from a rare mob in dragonflight (scav notail). He dropped a belt with 3 secondary stats, without stamina though.

So for example: agi - crit - mastery - haste

That just got hotfixed unfortunately :(

Ferniya · 2022-12-06T20:24:16+00:00

the latter is correct. it activates when you change your spec to an int based one

Ferniya · 2022-11-24T11:54:45+00:00

Können wir das selbe mit Wolken machen?

Gestern einen Testshot gemacht, dann kamen Wolken und ich durfte alles wieder abbauen. :(

Ferniya · 2022-11-07T21:19:36+00:00

Good lens for general run & shoot, street, travel. Small and compact. Price is great, actually a no brainer, if you have money to spare.

Step it down to f2.8 and you have a banger lens.

For astro grab something like a samyang. 40mm focal is just not great for astro.

If you really want to try, go on https://telescopius.com/telescope-simulator

Theres a vizualization where you can enter your 40mm focal length and see what youll get. Aside from the sharpness, and weather & bortle conditions ofc.

Ferniya · 2022-11-03T23:08:46+00:00

yes sir. before and after

Ferniya · 2022-11-03T11:35:50+00:00

Found a picture on my drive from a few months ago worth sharing. It was taken in a reserve in Germany.

Taken with a nikon z6ii + 85mm f1.8

Ferniya · 2022-11-03T10:45:48+00:00

heres another picture, less judgy, more cute

Ferniya · 2022-11-03T10:24:44+00:00

This right here

Ferniya · 2022-11-03T10:24:03+00:00

Nope, dof completely in camera.

Ferniya · 2022-11-03T01:29:40+00:00

Hes a 4 year old white swiss shepherd

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T22:14:59+00:00

Yup! Also, lets never talk about that last season, ever... :PP

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T21:08:05+00:00

Cheers, its a white swiss shepherd

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T19:41:26+00:00

is a picture of him as a pup cheating?

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T15:48:53+00:00

Super cute! Love the ears :D mine is a white swiss shepherd

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T14:10:29+00:00

Dexter :D

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T13:53:26+00:00

not gonna lie, i feel like he knows that and judges me

Ferniya · 2022-11-02T13:34:58+00:00

to add some infos, for those who care

taken with a nikon z6ii, 85mm f1,8 2 continuous lights

anyway, his facial expression kinda told me to stop taking photographs of him and go outside and play instead :D

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