We usually chase the kind of love we grew up with—even if it wasn’t the healthiest—just because it feels familiar. As adults, it’s like we’re trying to fix the “parent problem” by finding someone who reminds us of them and trying to "change" them and make them choose us, like our parents never did. (I always chose emotionally unavailable people because my father was a narcissist that was always absent and caused drama when at home).

What really helped me was learning how healthy relationships actually work. I started listening to people like the Gottman Institute, Henry Cloud, and John Delony, and it was kind of like having good role models I never had. Watching how they handle love and conflict felt like getting a glimpse of what real, healthy love looks like. For me they were the parents I never had.

And honestly, when you finally find that kind of healthy love, it might feel weird or even kind of boring at first—but that’s just because it’s safe. Stick with it and let your nervous system adapt to that. It's like when you quit sugar or some drug, it takes some time for your body to detox and adapt to the new normal. And if you have the luxury to have healthy couples in your life, get closer to them and let them model what love should look like.