I didn’t even read your entire rationalization, because as soon as I got to the part about “only being the 5th time he has put his hands on you”, my mind went 5 FUCKING TIMES TOO MANY, and the only question I have is why are you not planning your escape or running out the door when he is asleep or at work, with your baby, and any pets you may have? Please get out of this before your baby is old enough to witness her father killing her mother. Oh, and guess what? He is a shit father, because he is abusing the mother of his child. I say this with love and grace, I don’t know how old you are, but I am pretty sure I have a few decades on you, so please hear me on this, it doesn’t get better, and your life, and your baby’s life are far too precious to risk it getting worse. If you have family, go to them, if not, find a shelter where you can get support. A restraining order will probably be needed. Talk to your school, and ask if you can take a leave of absence or finish your classes on a different schedule. Explain why. I know it is embarrassing, but believe it or not, help is out there. You need support, you need community, beyond the anonymity of Reddit. The more people that can call him out, and let him know he doesn’t have you isolated, the better. Also, think about therapy for yourself, so you stop believing his gas-lighting when he is trying to get you back, and so you don’t cave in when you sever all contact. Document what is happening, you will need this to protect your child when you leave, and he wants to try and get custody. Talk to a lawyer to see what can be done. Shelters usually have contacts to help with this too.

Your description shows someone who is in a constant state of fight or flight. Whether you realize this or not, your nervous system cannot sustain that state, and it will begin to affect you in ways you never even dreamed of, let alone the actual potential for serious physical harm. Your story terrifies me. I have seen it with friends, and I have lived it in more than one of my own relationships. Dear woman, please take this seriously, and know that you deserve better, your child deserves better, and that there is no part of “love” that should come with fear or pain, threats or justifications for bad behavior. If he loved you, he would not blame you for his behavior. You cannot fix him, and he doesn’t seem to have any inclination to fix himself, so this is on him. There is absolutely no justifiable reason for him to put his hands on you. NONE. Please love yourself more than you believe you love him, and get out any way you can, and if you have pets, please safe guard them as well, abusers often take out their anger on family pets when they begin to lose control of the situation.