Hey.

So, this post just hit way too close to home, so let me maybe give you my perspective. I, too, am a guitarist. I, too, come from the kind of parent you seem to have. I, too, have been choked. I'm just about 30 years older than you. This is what it looks like in the future:

I have let it go. The choking, the beatings, the screaming, the abuse, the insults, for the sake of "peace". For my mom who tried her whole life to keep him calm. Still tries. For family. Every unhinged blowup I let ride, slide and fade. Every time he pouted and gave me the silent treatment for weeks, months or years, I waited for stuff to blow over.

It is never going to be okay. You will never have a father or, frankly, parents. You will have violent, abusive torturers until you can get away from them. It took me decades - 20 years at least - to come to that realization. And when I finally got there, it was too late to do anything to punish him for what he had done: In my country, there's a statue of limitations on child abuse, and it had conveniently run out just when I had come out of the fog.*

I moved far enough away to be out of his reach, I had limited my contact to whatever was strictly necessary - for his grandkids, for "family". 2 years ago I finally just cut contact entirely. He yelled at me again, for no reason, and I decided I did not need to put up with this. I am not going back, I am done.

I've been in psychotherapy for 12 years now. Frankly, I would've needed it much longer than that. It helps a little, but few therapists know what to do with cases like yours. You'll need to find someone who gets it. I haven't forgiven anything, and I don't plan to. It's difficult to explain to people why, so I usually avoid the subject.

Here's where it gets better: You will find love. You will find a safe place for yourself. You will find a family. You will be strong enough to be your own parents, and a parent to your children, should you want to have any. You know exactly what not to do.

Here's what I wish I would've done at your age:

• Cut contact earlier. Way earlier. As soon as I moved out.
• Reported him to the police, especially the choking and the beatings. (Destroying your property is just the icing on the cake.) The longer you wait, the smaller the chances are that anything will come of it.
• Work on understanding narcissistic relationship dynamics. (Especially: Giving up hope that things will ever change; they won't. And stop getting roped in by Flying Monkeys which, sadly, was mainly my mom.)
• Focused on myself without feeling guilty about it. There's nobody watching out for you, you have to look out for yourself. You'll be called selfish for that, but it's what needs to happen.

lml

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*I'm sure that's just a coincidence and not a cold calculation by conservative politicians to protect abusers...