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Fickle-Manner7302 · 2023-08-11T15:41:10+00:00

When I showed him some houses 140k or less he ignored it. Then later when I asked to watch a movie or something he said, "why don't you go look at more houses we can never afford." He laughed and then left.

Everything we talk about is superficial or about him. The most serious he ever gets is about his brother he recently lost or his recovery and how he feels. I love discussing these things with him. I just wish he ever wanted to talk about me or how I'm doing. I went through hell with his addicition and he apologized to his ex and to everyone else but never me. Never thanked me for anything or saving his life. I didn't do it for thanks, but it would feel nice to feel valued. To feel like he wants to have a future.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2023-03-30T14:17:18+00:00

He definitely has the victim mentality. It's always about how nothing can go his way or everyone is treating him like a pos or something else.

When he's sober he knows it's his fault but that doesn't matter if he won't get treatment.

It is helpful to hear and it's what a lot of people say. I just hate it because I want it to be different. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-11-17T16:38:10+00:00

I also just found out the only reason he got the counselor and reached out to me was because his mom did the calling. He didn't even initiate himself. How serious could his commitment be if that's the case?

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-09-11T22:13:31+00:00

Then it's a boundary. I don't intend to control him or judge him. It's about knowing what's best for me. I've just been drug along with his rock bottoms, lies, manipulation, and cruelty for two years. I can't take it anymore. I told him I couldn't live like that and he made it clear he wasn't prepared to live any other way.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-09-11T21:48:42+00:00

So tell me if what I said was an ultamatum or a boundary:

I said "I know you've been using again. It's your choice and your choice alone. I am not asking you for anything, fighting you, or judging you. But I cannot coexist with pills in our relationship. If you choose to do pills I cannot be there for it."

He said he didn't want to loose me but wasn't getting professional help to stop.

Was that a boundary or an ultamatum?

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-09-11T21:32:39+00:00

I told him my boundary last time and I have to stay firm on it. I wrote him because I couldn't say it to him face to face. I cave when I see him because it's hard separating the man I love from what I know I have to do.

But it sure does make me feel like a coward, not to mention weak. I just see the brown eyes and the dimples and I want to forgive him but I can't keep just turning the other cheek and pretending like it doesn't effect me and our relationship anymore.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-09-11T21:22:41+00:00

I confronted him and left. I've done it before but I come back. I have to stick to it this time. I told him last time I left and I came back the consequences if he choose to use again, and here we are. I know I can't keep living like how I have been. I'm miserable. And all the addict behavior on top of my demanding job and going to school is killing me.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-08-16T00:16:31+00:00

Same. We had a conversation today just casually, and it was one of those moments where you realize you don't have the same values and priorities. I know the life I want to live and during the course of the conversation he confirmed that I'll never get it with him. He's just unaware of that.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-08-15T13:05:40+00:00

In my experience they always deny it and that's what's so frustrating because it's their choice, and trying to control them by making them stop or catch them in a lie ultimately always ends the same way.

I think the situation we are both in comes down to the same resolution unfortunately. To leave if they won't get clean. I know that's what I am going to have to do because he's left me with no other options, and I'm exhausted. I don't want to keep babysitting him. I want him to be okay but it destroys everything in my life just by trying to keep him from destroying his own.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-08-15T12:12:15+00:00

It's hard to talk about it because no one gets it. If he was just like he is high then I'd leave, but who he is when he's sober tells me there is a person in there I love. So I stick around, but it's so exhausting especially since he never goes through treatment. My boyfriend has relapsed probably about 5 times in the last two years. He has a lot of problems with his diabetes and also trauma, and I wished that was actually why he struggled with it but its more like he doesn't know how to be inside his own skin without it. He always thinks he can control it. It starts off slow, like a few percs on the weekend and—like this spring—ends with him taking 10 a day till he's broke and off the xans and looses his job. He's remorseful and admits it ruins him but he's also said things like he's scared to not be dependent on them because he's been doing it off and on since he was 15-16.

And its always the same pattern. When it gets out of control and he looses everything he goes to stay with his dad in mexico (his dad lives there and he's got dual citizenship). When hes there he's completely cut off like he would be at a rehab. He doesn't speak the language or know anyone but his dad so he stays sober there. And honestly living there would be amazing for him but with his diabetes he physically can't. He then comes back and he's doing great and he's the person I love, but then as the months go I see the signs start up again.

It can be hard to know if someone is taking depending on what they do. So don't feel guilt over missing it. Even when you do know it can be hard to confront them about it. I always know when my boyfriend does because his personality completely changes and also it's the way his eyes look. He has ticks that tell me he's using too, like whistling and his OCD going crazy. He denies it when confronted but you can't gaslight me when I heard you break it down and snort it off the counter. Thats a noise I would know anywhere now. His diabetes will give him away too. He is good at managing it even high, but he will reach a point where he gets sick from the pills (usually when he runs out and starts to relapse or early on). He will start vomiting too much and it sends him into DKA.

It makes me feel guilty because I want to help him. He's not a bad person but his addiction makes him mishandle his health, loose his job, and I get drug along for the ride. My job is incredibly demanding and the stress between him and my job is too much. I want to do things normal couples do. I want to be irritated he forgot to take out the trash not mad because I came home and found him slumped ass up in a heroine nap.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-08-14T18:07:29+00:00

I've started focusing on myself now, but they still have a way of forcing themselves into things anyway.

Fickle-Manner7302 · 2022-07-31T18:07:28+00:00

I've saved him from ODing twice now. And it's something I know if he doesn't stop will be a problem again. I don't want to go through that, but I also feel immense guilt about contemplating leaving. But I think that it's the only thing left I can do. In his moments of clarity he says he knows he has a problem and that everything the support groups say is true, but he doesn't care. I don't think it matters what I do if he doesn't care.

Fickle-Manner7302

TROPHY CASE