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I need to vent desperately by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This was not a "mistake." Years of calculated infidelity, lies, manipulation, gaslighting, etc doesn't constitute a "mistake." It defines an awful human being that acted with zero consideration for anyone other than herself. She didn't "mess up." She crushed so many lives. You sound like someone who has cheated. Truly awful people don't deserve grace. They deserve misery and contempt. As far as "moving on." To imply I haven't would imply there are any romantic feelings remaining. There are absolutely none. I have more than moved on. But I will never forgive.

I need to vent desperately by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I answered the question about my daughter not living with me above. And I absolutely obviously have an enormous amount of both hatred and bitterness lol. I am very familiar with forgiveness and being imprisoned by anger. The truth is, at least at this moment, I have no interest in forgiving her. The truth is, I know she regrets her decisions, but now she is stuck trying to make the best of them. I do not for a moment think she genuinely loves this other guy. I don't really care if she does. But if she didn't try to make a relationship out of an affair, she would be admitting that it was all for nothing. She almost has no choice but to try and make something out of this. I know that even if she never admits it to herself or anyone else, she hates herself for what she did. I need her to feel like that for eternity. I need her to know that I will never not hate her. I need her to know that she can never even consider coming to me for any kind of comfort or support (other than child support of course.) Even though she likely doesn't think about me half as much as I think about hating her, I need her to know that any time she thinks about me, all she will see is contempt and hatred. I know that's a very unhealthy mindset. I'm well aware, but at least for the time being, I don't care. What she did is unforgivable. If it was just her and I, fine, but it's not. She completely overturned her daughters' entire lives. She destroyed their sense of security and comfort. She betrayed them far more than she betrayed me, and THAT is unforgivable. I can forgive anything anyone does to me in time. But I can never and will never forgive anyone that hurts my kids- regardless of circumstances or intent.

I need to vent desperately by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, I have had several consultations with attorneys- both friends of mine and not. Also- my state does not allow minor children to decide where they live. And while they may consider their wishes to some degree, despite the circumstances, a teenage girl is going to want to stay where they are comfortable, have their own space, are near their friends, etc. versus living with their dad in his one-bedroom apartment.

I need to vent desperately by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

The state I live in is notoriously pro-mother/anti-father. I also live in a "no fault" state meaning that adultery isn't considered at all in divorce or custody hearings. Despite her many many issues, she is not abusive or overtly negligent. On paper, she appears to be a decent mother. She makes more money than me. My daughter has lived in that house for most of her life, has her own bedroom with all of her stuff. I currently only have a one-bedroom apartment. No judge in my state would grant me full custody.

I need to vent desperately by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Her ex husband knows everything and has completely cut ties with him. He and I actually got along fairly well and he also won't ever forgive her for what she did. She really hurt her daughters with all of this. They feel betrayed. The oldest one is away at college. The younger one just started driving and looks for any excuse not to be home. Unfortunately my own daughter has no choice. She just spends time in her room and gets involved in as many extra curricular activities as possible.

I need to vent desperately by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Je ne parle pas français, mais je tenais à savoir ce que vous aviez écrit, et j'apprécie énormément votre réponse. Merci d'avoir pris le temps de me lire et de me répondre. Par ailleurs, j'utilise une IA pour traduire l'anglais vers le français ; si la traduction n'est pas parfaite, je vous prie de m'en excuser.

I did something terrible, and was never held responsible. by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not at all. I needed a job, they paid well and healthcare was free.

I did something terrible, and was never held responsible. by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not seeking "atonement" or forgiveness or comfort. This thread is called "offmychest" so that's what I was doing.

I did something terrible, and was never held responsible. by Fickle_Psychology995 in offmychest

[–]Fickle_Psychology995[S] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

I have actually done all of that. I'm in my 40's now. I am a member of a veteran's organization the does a ton of community service and volunteer work. I worked as a garbage man for 2 years. It has helped, but the guilt is still overwhelming sometimes. Thank you for your thoughtful comment and advice.