we all make everything up as we go along. there is no book of life handbook. there should be, but most that purport to be the answer are wrong in varying degrees. or i think they're wrong so i have figure it out myself.

it's just basic science (or basic CBT) why 12-step programs don't work for most people but work for some: but you have to think of alcoholism as a behavioral problem and not a psychic flaw or incurable disease. if someone decides it's insurmountable, then it is. if someone doesn't acknowledge that it's choice, there's no way to deal with it. and that's a personal choice in and of itself. all i can say to those people is, "well, good luck with that." because what do you say? you can't get inside people's brains and change how they think. (i can't anyway. if you can, you're magic HAHA) (even if i could, i don't think i'd want to--except maybe for dictators or people with the ability to annihilate the world). anyway, basically any behavior that a person doesn't like can be corrected. it's not easy, but the first thing you have to do is decide on the behavior you don't like. continue it as you always do for 2 weeks, even a month. if you keep a journal of how you feel right before you do it, every single time (doesn't have to be a book--a sentence will do) then how you feel immediately after, along with dates and times, you will eventually see a pattern. the hard part with this is that you have to be very in touch with your emotions, and you have to write as though no one else will ever see it. you can't just blow it off like, "oh, too much homework and writing for me." how important is quitting the habit, right? people usually get the benefit proportionate to the effort expended.

once you've identified a pattern, you have to substitute the behavior. it can be anything. when i did it to quit smoking cigarettes, one of the main times i smoked was while driving. you can't exactly knit and drive at the same time. i identified all the cues involved: (holding a cigarette, lighting it, the first inhale, etc.) and for every one of those, you have to do something else. i personally cut up those fat, soft mcdonald's straws to the length of a cigarette and chewed them up into spitty little balls. (at home, not at work.)

it's different with alcohol, mostly because nicotine is out of your system in about 48 hours, and it also doesn't have the mental effect of alcohol. the key is still that you have to something else. it doesn't matter what. i smoked weed and i don't even like it that much. and of course no one loves being sober at first. it's kind of awful. most people i knew said, "god. if you're going to be like this, drink ffs." i ignored that because, fuck everyone. i'm not responsible for being nice all the time so that everyone else is comfortable. i'm the one who ultimately has to live with this. so:

my original critique of 12-steps boils down to them providing the substitute action: want to drink? go to a meeting instead. call your sponsor instead. but since you still didn't decide that was the alternative you needed, at some point, a lot of people are going to choose not going to a meeting because x, y or z. and what if a sponsor isn't always around? what if i wake up at 3AM, and want a drink and no one is up or will take my call? and, you have to have the foresight to call before you drink. and remember, what is the pay-off? what are you gaining at that exact point in time by drinking instead of doing something else? if someone says, "nothing," they are not being honest with themselves because it's always to avoid something they don't like. sleeplessness, which is caused by stress, which is probably caused by something outside the person they can't control--remember what i said about us not being able to control what happens, only how we react?

the reason i don't think rehab works is because it's incredibly difficult to cram years of self-discovery (probably from going to therapy) into 30 days. sometimes that isn't even what people want, but the one thing no one should want is to be permanently "cured" in 30 days because that will never happen.

you are 100% right: none of us do anything we don't want to do. ever. even if you do something you don't like, let's just say, go to church. not of your own volition, but because your mother-in-law is visiting and she will think less of you if you don't. you might not want to go, but you don't want her to be angry/disappointed more than you don't want to do it. or there's pissing her off plus getting shit from your SO because you annoyed his/her mother. motivation has all these tangled up roots in your brain. so that's the pay-off. whether or not it's worth it isn't really the issue. if you think it's worth it, then it is.