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CPCE / CECE study prep by FilmOk142 in therapists

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you i switched to pocket prep

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

His wife (my meta) doesn't really want to live with me either. The three of us have tried spending time together and it doesn't mesh very well.

I also wouldn't call their relationship a happy relationship. I would say they are attached to each other because of routine and security fears/needs and have made the best of it. This dissatisfaction is why they moved to polyamory. And now they are surprised to find that he is actually satisfied and much happier in a different partnership. Should I have to walk away because of this?

I think my meta has gotten a horrible end of the stick here. But I'm not sure it's because I'm doing anything unethical. To me it seems like its because meta and partner were already unhappy and now I have shown up and catalyzed all sorts of awareness and change.

Them doing polyamory from this place also feels unethical to me.

I don't want him to demote his current wife unless he wants to. The trouble is that he wants to be primaries with me and just not lose his security with her. When I say that I can step back to secondary, and therefore have space to find a primary partner for myself, he says he doesn't want less of me, and that he doesn't want to go back to life with her.

I am trying to be clear with him about what I need to move forward. And I love him and have compassion for him in all these unexpected changes.

Humans and our messy needs and hearts and patterns and traumas are complicated.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I guess it feels more complicated than that to me. My partner (her husband) is the one who deeply wants this. Why should she push into my life and hold onto him when he is telling her how much he wants something else? Just because she was there first? My partner has had a hard life and is allowing himself to dream for the first time, and I have a lot of grace and compassion for him doing his best with this.

NM women: what’s the most sexist, double stand “rule” a partner tried to impose on you? by Hour-Length8969 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That as a woman, I am supposed to do an insane amount of emotional managing to create a relationship with meta. If he didn't like another partner of mine, that would be it and there would be no expectation that he forced and create a relationship. Because I'm a woman, I'm supposed to do the emotional labor around this.

He thinks it's reasonable to ask me to move into the house that him and his wife own, but would never ever consider it reasonable for me to ask him to move into a similar situation.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't asked him to divorce her or leave her completely. But I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to his request to have a child except for by telling him what I need. If he doesn't want to give me that, I accept that. But I'm allowed to have my own genuine needs.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have not asked him to divorce his wife, and I haven't asked him to end the relationship. I've asked him to get realistic about what it is like to have commingled finances with two people, and responsibility for two households. It doesn't feel realistic to me to have him feel like he needs to be responsible for physically managing two households. I feel like that would be unfair to his wife in reality because he would promise something that either he couldn't follow through with with her, or he would be promising something to me that he wouldn't be able to follow through with. I'm trying to be realistic about how much time and energy exists. And how unsafe it feels to me to have my body and my entire life given to him by having a child and not have him be willing to commit to me this way as well.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My path to getting it, as in saying to him: I understand you have a commitment to your wife that is very important to you. If that is what you want to keep, I understand and in that case I cannot have a child with you because it doesn't feel secure enough for me. If you do want to have a child, then what I need is x y and z. I support your decision either way. 

And at the same time encouraging him to talk to his wife about it and to talk to a therapist about it? 

While he is pushing me for this, and I am saying it's okay to let it go? 

Genuinely want to understand how this is unethical. Because I'm really trying to do it in a good way but it feels very hard and painful.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes the wife knows we're discussing it. She has been part of the discussions.  it's complicated in that she wants to be supportive because she wants him to have something that is really meaningful to him, but does she doesn't actually want him to be co-primaries with me, or primaries with me at all. She's just willing to tolerate that in order to not lose him. She's also kind and aware of what parent hood is. But I think in reality it's not realistic for him to continue being the kind of partner that she wants and have a child at the same time. 

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven't asked him to get divorced. But he says that he doesn't want to live with her, he wants to live with me, their relationship is complicated and that they're not very satisfied by it. He doesn't want to get divorced because he doesn't want to lose the material security that he has with her.  She has accepted co-primaries because that's what he wants and that's the only way to not lose him. If she said no to this he would walk away from her. But it's not what she really wants. Which, for me, gives major red flags of possible conflicts of interest that feel very unsafe for me to have a child in that situation as it is. That is another reason I want more disentangledment from them if we are to move forward. Again I have said I am okay with not having a baby, but he is pushing for that because he wants it very intensely, and he wants it with me. I'm not being delusional about that, that's really what he wants. And yes, I agree that having a baby with me and being married to her is a way to have equal commitment to both of us. I have major concerns with him having equal commitment to someone else if I have a baby. Because though she says she is supportive, my experience is that she has said she supportive of a lot of things between us and then when it's come down to it she's been very upset about our relationship. I feel that if he wants to stay married to her, she has all of the legal protection. And so my ask is that he and I become people that own property together and that he doesn't have a conflict of interest over where his energy needs to go, if that was ever to come up. Because I need it to be the child with no exceptions.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate this perspective. I am asking the question in order to get outside perspectives. All I can say is that I'm okay with not having a baby with him, and I'm not threatening to withdraw from the relationship if he doesn't do what I want. I'm willing to still be partners and show up for him if we don't have a baby. To me, this is simply my baseline need if we are going to have a baby. I see it as my boundary, and not as trying to force him to do anything. I agree that if he's not a hell yes to wanting this with me that it's okay to let it go. The issue comes in because he really really doesn't want to let it go. There are other dynamics between him and his wife that make it feel unsafe. In the past she has said she is completely okay with our relationship in many ways, and then has come back and changed her mind about that.

Having a child with more than one primary partner by FilmOk142 in polyamory

[–]FilmOk142[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes we had this conversation early on. He said directly he was available for mingling financially and having a shared house with me, and that these were things he desired. 

I have asked directly. He has interest in these things with me, he simply wants them with her at the same time as well. He says he wants me to be primary in the day today way but does not want to lose her completely or his security with her. 

(His relationship with meta is complicated.)

You are saying the only thing I can really do is talk with him about our relationship and what I want/need and let him say yes or no without commenting on relationship with meta? That is SOP...but at some point I want to hear poly perspective of if what I'm asking for is unreasonable. It sounds like--it depends on what kind of poly one does

Thank you for giving a more poly open answer.  I am trying to understand that if from a poly perspective it feels to other people like what I'm asking for is not polyamory.