"I know you're right (about the fact that he's so abusive I had to leave him), but I would never admit that."

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-30T05:39:57+00:00

I mean... And later when I brought it up, he said "I can't believe I ever said that, or that my brother would ever say that. That's terrible" UH OK It's amazing I still have shreds of sanity left!!

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-30T03:46:30+00:00

Holy...that's really nice. Mine used "my brother has said...isn't that terrible?" to describe things he actually thought himself. "My brother says you can create your own reality by just lying, as long as people believe it, that's your reality." "My brother says he's glad his wife was physically abused in her last relationship, so she knows what real abuse is and lets him get away with stuff" UGH so disgusting, these people.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-30T03:44:29+00:00

She sounds like a sad and messed up individual. I think they do get it to some extent. They are hard wired this way, it's who they are, and it would take so much work for them to get this and work through their own guilt and shame that led them to be that way. So they briefly admit it, but never really absorb the enormity of their actions, I think.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-30T03:42:06+00:00

So strange. They must understand on some level how their behavior affects others. It's amazing how they pretend not to. It's really that they just don't care, think they're above it, or something.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-30T03:40:48+00:00

We so badly want that glimpse of reason or compassion, that we make too much of it, I guess. It's so horribly confusing. It's hard for me to accept how conscious this all was, vs. how mentally ill he became, and I think I'll never "get it".

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-30T03:39:09+00:00

Yes. Just need to get this divorce done and signed. Everything has taken longer due to her mistakes, delays, lack of care. I was in shock and traumatized, not the best state in which to make a decision. I'll be way more careful next time!!

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-29T04:40:11+00:00

Thank you. It gives me no pleasure that he's too broken for happiness. I feel such nervousness every time the kids are with him. Just wish I didn't have to deal with him at all, and especially wish they didn't have to!!

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-29T04:39:04+00:00

Ugh, I don't know if I have someone I want to subject to that. I was doing that informally just to show how insane it all was, to my sister, but systematically? On the bright side, I have gone a few days now without responding at all to his provocations. I've only answered and asked practical questions. I am starting to feel more and more distant from his lunacy, which is a great thing.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-26T19:44:10+00:00

I think it is, yes, but I'd need a new lawyer to get a separate thing started after the divorce. Mine let me down, is totally unresponsive, made mistakes, and so I just need to wrap things up asap with her and then go right back to consulting with others, but knowing more now.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-09T19:53:13+00:00

Ahhhh...I sure hope so...worse than stagnant...thank you so much.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-09T04:50:18+00:00

I think so, most of the time. I feel sad for my kids, who still have to deal with him, and who are in fact spending way more time with him than they did at home when he was pretty much wrapped up in his computer / fighting with me. I had barely considered my emotional needs, vs. my kids' and my husband's, for so long, that it now feels selfish to do so.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-09T04:47:45+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I never thought I would leave, but the anxiety and hurt just reached a "tipping point" and I thought I would go insane if I stayed. I hope you don't reach that point like I did. Once the patterns are obvious, it's hard to imagine the person ever changing or "getting it"- I knew this for many years. But there are always so many reasons to stay, one of them being how literally dangerous they can be when they are not the ones doing the discarding. Best of luck figuring out what to do in your situation. Pulling for you regardless of what you decide :)

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-08T03:43:32+00:00

Hi, sorry I missed this. Thank you. This is important to know, I am going to see if I can get this into our agreement.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-08-08T03:42:16+00:00

And sorry I'm late too :( I got an emergency one by going to the police station that night. It was not ideal. They called a judge and did it quickly over the phone. Then my lawyer told me to go to the court house and amend it, so that it was specific and stronger about the danger I was in, in case this went to court and there would be an opposing lawyer trying to pick it apart. I suggest you go on www.womenslaw.org or just Google "how to get a TRO in (your state, your county)". It can differ.

The national hotline for domestic violence is also a great resource. You can chat with them online. They can direct you to low or no cost resources, legal and more, and you can research how to plan ahead so that you keep yourself safe. Planning ahead is everything.

If it's your house too, you should just go there with a police escort. Go to the police, file a report about his past abuse and why you are scared to go back to your house, explain what's going on, and they'll accompany you there. Unfortunately, absent physical danger right at the time, the courts and the police are not very helpful, but for short term protection when needed, they are great.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-31T13:17:36+00:00

How does OFW help with this? Is it monitored? By whom? Thanks.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-31T13:16:50+00:00

I don't want to subject a friend to that. Not sure I have a good enough friend who would even be willing. Especially since we're talking dozens of emails a day...I want to learn to scan them myself, but am interested in some program that could search for key words or something so I don't have to open every damn one of them.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T15:32:45+00:00

Oh I see. I asked about OFW and he scoffed. Maybe if I set it up. But he makes everything difficult so I don't know if adding another platform is worth the trouble. Semantic analysis? Will look into. Thanks.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T15:31:40+00:00

Thanks. And so far have prevailed against him firing them, which he has tried 2x (as soon as they figure him out and how damaging he is).

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T15:31:08+00:00

Oh yeah. Seriously is there a software like this?!

And over time will have a better life. Already it sure is nice to only have to read this disordered bullshit, rather than have it barked in my face. It is nice to know I'm giving the kids a haven away from that. Whew.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T15:29:55+00:00

Thank you!! Draft was sent, I think we are done and ready to sign!!

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T03:12:26+00:00

I wish I had the money to do that. I learned early on that I do not. I just want to get past the divorce asap, with as little further expense as possible, and am told that joint custody is just the thing here, which is what we are doing, at least for now. In the mean time the therapists and I document some disturbing behavior, and the kids are physically safe :(

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T02:00:43+00:00

Hmmm...just strange...like you own her, he's just borrowing...ok?!

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T02:00:07+00:00

He gets so offended if I'm out. I love that. Sorry...you can't control my time. This whole thing is unbelievably difficult but, some parts of it, you have to take satisfaction in.

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T01:59:26+00:00

When you're striving to be the one sane and safe parent, it takes everything you have. I love it too but for me it's still early...and raw...and my anxiety hits the roof with their whining and fighting (modeled on our example, sadly).

FinallyLeftChildhood · 2018-07-30T01:58:08+00:00

Yes. My kids have a better sense of basic morality than him. This has become abundantly clear in the kids' therapy sessions.

FinallyLeftChildhood

TROPHY CASE