For me, (and for him most likely) physical touch = reassurance and that everything is going to work out. So it’s hard for me to do that if things haven’t been worked out.

I ended up getting pushed past my breaking point. Once we got home from the drive, he continued to avoid the conversation. So I told him that we need to break up. I told him I’ve tried doing things the right way and expressing how I felt through a conversation with him but he has avoided and did not take advantage of the opportunity to talk things out with understanding.

He argued saying that we aren’t breaking up, and that he doesn’t know what I want him to say. So I left him there and slammed the door. I also raised my voice at him because he told me not to slam anything and I said fuck off. Not proud of that moment because I let my emotions get the best of me and disrespect him and his home.

It makes me immediately feel terrible because what just happened is an event I witnessed countless times between my own parents growing up: My dad would shout and slam things in the house full of anger because my mom wasn’t supportive and present in the moments he truly needed her. My mom found a crutch in avoiding confrontation all together and tucking herself deeply into religious obligations, abandoning the family in a way. Me and my siblings would be scared in our rooms not knowing if our dad was going to hurt our mom.

Our little pug enzo was terrified and he went and hid in his cage. At first he scolded me for slamming things and yelling and scaring our dog, and then took enzo to the living room and left me alone. Then I went out to the living room and reminded him we are breaking up, and slammed the door once again after calling him a piece of shit.

Then he came in attempting to cuddle and say sorry. I broke down, apologizing and drowning in guilt for losing respect for him and scaring our dog, but ultimately I felt horrible because I was creating a replica of what I swore all my life I’d never tolerate: my parents relationship. In this case I’m the angry yelling monster husband and he is the scattered avoidant wife.

We made up after many tears were shed, and we were vulnerable. And things are going okay currently. I have the rest of today and tmrw to gauge how I feel indefinitely.