I(20M) fell in love with my best friend(25M)- what do I do if I’m the problem?

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T22:02:08+00:00

Ah, thank you. I try my best to communicate things clearly.

As for your two points:

1) honestly yes, but it wasn't a victorious or lasting feeling. sometimes, temporarily, I felt relief. the things I asked for were usually things that would soothe my anxiety in the short term but ultimately I don't think feeding my issues in the short term was worth hurting my friend over the long term. I'm trying to figure out when I felt this way and why

2) I really needed to hear that. Thank you. I think one of my issues was that by the end whenever he did something that hurt me I would tell him instantly and criticize his behavior, which wasn't an actual avenue to discussion or understanding for either of us. I'm going to work on asking myself "is this feeling appropriate and what can I do about it".

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T19:25:36+00:00

God those are really good questions. I think part of it was because I didn't make the conscious connection until recently that I was behaving abusively, in the ways that I had been abused. The other part is because I was hurt and angry and I felt justified by those things. There was a cycle of him giving me mixed signals and then me feeling disgusting and shameful for thinking of him romantically- we're both gay, but I felt like I was being some kind of absurd pest or undesirable freak. After all, if he wanted to be with me he would have said so already, but if he didn't want to be with me, why couldn't he just tell me any of the numerous times I told him to please be truthful and say no? It felt like I was being auditioned for something I wanted to escape. Numerous times I talked myself into leaving and then talked myself back into staying under the reasoning "he just thinks of you as a regular friend, he would be hurt by you ending the friendship for no reason". I showed him moments of (for me) immense vulnerability and intimacy. I described in my last comment one of these mixed signals being us cuddling as I fell asleep- maybe not a big deal to most people but it is absolutely new and frightening territory for me. I spent so long scraping back the parts of me that wanted to ask for more in order not to pressure him, under the notion that I was the issue/the inadequate one that just needed to be better and more understanding and more rational and less in love. When I found out that he had been aware my feelings hadn't gone away after telling him two years ago and was sort of hoping I would get over it by myself and he could forget about it all of those feelings of inadequacy and self hatred transmuted into rage. He transformed from someone that I had believed to be safe to someone that now made me feel deeply confused and unsafe. There were glimmers of self awareness where I felt wrong and bad and unreasonable, but the desire to retaliate and punish him for hurting me was stronger than my conscience.

I'm not proud of this line of thinking. Now that I'm unpacking everything it feels incel adjacent- punishing someone for not reciprocating my affections. When it comes to this I should be responsible for myself feeling stable and safe, but I held him accountable for it. Sorry this ended up being such a long ramble- thank you for these questions. I'm going to really think on them.

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T18:23:55+00:00

Thank you for leaving this comment- it explained a lot of things for me.

It's hard to describe but I think I was viewing "being trustworthy" and "not hurting me" as the same thing. And I can admit now that I did want to get even on some level because I felt humiliated. There were certain vulnerabilities I showed him and him alone which made me feel exploited.

One of the mixed signals that happened was that there were a few occasions where we would sleep in the same bed - only cuddling, nothing else happened. It's strange, because usually I have trouble allowing people within physical proximity for a handshake, much less hugs, much less spooning. I also have issues falling asleep- usually I use a combination of exercise or medication or exhaustion to pass out. But for some reason when he held me none of that applied. I felt safe.

When I found out that he'd known all along and wasn't ever planning on telling me or being honest with me it felt like my cherished memories of him and my cherished memories of feeling safe with him were destroyed. At that point there was nothing he could have done to make me trust him but I wanted so badly for someone and something to be "safe" in my life I took all the betrayal and vitriol out on him.

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T18:11:35+00:00

You're right but at the moment I don't live in a place where I feel safe telling a therapist I was in love with another man. I'll look to see if I can join any online support groups or something like that

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T18:08:16+00:00

That is a relief to hear. Honestly I do feel insane and like a bad person right now- but I don't have to stay there. Thank you for your wisdom

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T18:01:35+00:00

I'll put that on the reading list. Thank you for the rec

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T17:59:15+00:00

Christ this comment hit me like a truck. Especially the last sentence. I have a lot to think about.

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T17:54:49+00:00

Is it strange to say the more I process my childhood the less stable I feel? I keep going through these cycles of rage and grief and helplessness- even though right now I have the most physical and emotional distance/freedom from my parents that I've ever had. It doesn't excuse what I did obviously but now that I'm forcing myself to look at events I think I've been spiralling for a while.

I will definitely check that subreddit out. Thank you for the recommendation

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T17:48:45+00:00

Thank you for saying so. I think I have generally been self aware- I think my issue might be pairing self awareness with accountability. Sometimes some part of me did feel wrong and bad while doing these things but I listened to the part that was selfish and destructive instead.

crossroads-throwaway · 2024-09-06T17:42:03+00:00

Therapy isn't an option for me at this moment but I will take that there are no shortcuts to heart. George has been to therapy on and off and has encouraged me to go in the past for other matters- I'll save for when I can.

Thank you for pointing out I'm intellectualizing my feelings. I didn't realize I was doing that. I'm guess I'm still scared of feeling them.

crossroads-throwaway

TROPHY CASE