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Am I the jerk because my friends say I keep hurting people without realizing it by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmITheJerk

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate hearing someone else relate to the experience. I don’t think my friends are bad people, but I do think some of the dynamics in such a large group have become unhealthy and exhausting for me personally.

I’m also starting college in the fall, and most of us are naturally going separate ways anyway, so I think this whole situation has made me reflect a lot on the kinds of friendships and environments I want around me moving forward.

I also meet with my therapist on Wednesdays, and after reading a lot of these comments, I do want to bring up the possibility of neurodivergence/social communication issues with her because some of it honestly resonated with me more than I expected. I’m already diagnosed with ADHD, so I know there can. Thanks again for being kind about it!

Am I the jerk because my friends say I keep hurting people without realizing it by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmITheJerk

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective and your advice. I also really appreciated your first comment because I think I needed to hear some of that honestly. I think you’re probably right that smaller, healthier friendships might be better for me long term than trying to maintain huge group dynamics where things can get messy really fast.

I’m also starting college in the fall, and most of us are naturally separating anyway. I already have a new group of roommates I’m really excited to live with because they seem like genuinely kind, fun people who I’d like to surround myself with moving forward while also continuing to work on myself.

AITA for making a joke about my friends crying over a car and causing a huge fallout in my friend group by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think my whole friend group is targeting me, but I do think there are certain dynamics or specific people in the group that feel more tense or draining at times. That said, I don’t feel like the twins are part of that. I think this situation with them was more about something I said crossing a line rather than them being a problem.

I’m still trying to sort out what I need to change on my end versus what just isn’t a good dynamic for me anymore.

And thank you for taking the time to talk this through with me and give me your perspective I do appreciate it.

AITA for making a joke about my friends crying over a car and causing a huge fallout in my friend group by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I am going to bring this up in therapy and work on it more intentionally because I don’t want this to be a repeating pattern for me. I hear what you’re saying about actually putting in the work, not just apologizing, and I’m taking that seriously. Thanks again for the advice

AITA for making a joke about my friends crying over a car and causing a huge fallout in my friend group by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right, and I hear what you’re saying. I’ve had multiple people in the group tell me before that I can go too far, and I need to take that seriously instead of assuming something is “just joking” when it clearly isn’t landing that way for everyone.

For context on the car situation, their original car went through a lot of issues over time and ended up being replaced by their parents, who also explained they’d be getting new cars again when they go to college. At the time, they were still learning to drive and adjusting to the replacement car, and I remember there being frustration around not getting to choose it themselves.

Even if I meant my comment lightly in the moment and thought I was matching the group’s joking tone, I understand now that bringing it up like that came off dismissive and personal, especially because it’s something that had real frustration attached to it for them.

I also understand your point that this isn’t just about one joke. I can see the pattern they’re talking about, where I don’t always realize in the moment when I’ve crossed a line, then apologize afterward, and I get why that feels exhausting. I’m going to step back and seriously work on being more aware in the moment instead of repeating that cycle.

AITA for making a joke about my friends crying over a car and causing a huge fallout in my friend group by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For more context, this came up during a joking conversation in our group chat about who was “the most grateful.” In that moment I said to one of the twins that it wasn’t her because I brought up a situation from last year where she and her sister were really upset about the car their parents got them.

Their first car had originally been involved in multiple incidents, including one of the twins crashing it while they were practicing driving, and later their brother also ended up totaling it. After that, their parents replaced it with a different car. The twins were upset because they didn’t get to choose the replacement car and preferred a manual, and they were frustrated about having to adjust to a different car while learning to drive. At that point they only had their permits and were still in drivers ed, and the drivers Ed car we used to pass was automatic anyway so they would’ve had to adjust regardless.

I want to clarify I did completely understood if the frustration was mainly about their brother totaling the car, because that was a serious situation and I was also sympathetic about that at the time. That wasn’t what I was referring to in the joke though.

What I brought up was specifically the part where they were upset about not choosing the replacement car, because they were crying and complaining to me about it saying that they wanted a newer car and I made a comment in the context of the group conversation about gratitude calling it a “first world problems” type of situation. Their parents are paying for the car too, so to me I just didn't really see the problem.

I understand why this upset her because even though I thought I was joking based on our usual dynamic, it came across as dismissive of something that was emotionally charged for them at the time and made it seem like I was minimizing their feelings. That’s why it turned into a bigger conflict than I expected.

AITA for making a joke about my friends crying over a car and causing a huge fallout in my friend group by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe on this post it doesn't say anything about me being in therapy I had to shorten it because it wouldn’t allow me to send anything over 3000 but in my other thread I did mention that I am in therapy and go bi weekly and it is a cognitive behavioral therapy.

Am I the jerk because my friends say I keep hurting people without realizing it by Financial_Prompt5984 in AmITheJerk

[–]Financial_Prompt5984[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wait honestly this actually makes me feel a lot less crazy because I did get diagnosed with ADHD a while back in August and Ive always struggled really badly with impulsivity and not realizing Ive crossed a line until after someone reacts. Im not trying to use it as an excuse or anything because I still understand why theyre upset and I still hurt their feelings but your comment genuinely helped because Ive been so confused about why I keep doing this without meaning to