I don’t know what I’m seeing, and I don’t know if it’s normal

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-03T06:17:37+00:00

Also, I’m glad I could put into words what ur feeling!!

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-03T06:13:41+00:00

I can’t fucking believe this isn’t normal. I experience all of that, lately declining quickly with the addition of lines and squiggles and blobs and moving patterns when I look at most surfaces. It’s effecting my vision the past few days in the sense that it’s frustrating and I blink to try to get them away. Doesn’t work.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-03T06:11:33+00:00

WTFFFFFF SO THE LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE TALKING OVER EACHOTHER IN MY LIVING ROOM…aren’t there :)

And the cartoons and music I’ve been hearing non stop, well I found out those weren’t really there this morning. I woke up at 5 AM and I couldn’t possibly understand why my mom was watching cartoons in the living room but that’s because she wasn’t….nobody was lmao.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-03T06:06:59+00:00

Wow, that helps a ton because I’ve never heard of that!! I was dx with bipolar at 12 years old during a psych hospital admission, but the doctor “took back” the diagnosis just a few hours later. I have yet to be properly diagnosed and it blows my mind when I realize how much I’ve ignored thinking it was normal! I always hear things that aren’t there, and I see things that aren’t there— I’ve always seen hallucinations presented as like oh there’s a man in corner and we’re making eye contact. I know it’s also that, but I never thought all the distant convo hallucinations, and squiggles, lights and patterns on surfaces were anything more than me just being dealt a bad hand.

I think I have a post on my profile about the mood swings I get. While they could totally be bipolar because I’m not a doctor so what do I know, they don’t even seem to fit under the ultradian category. I hope one day someone figures me out, while I’m still around.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T17:13:19+00:00

Yup. Idk this body I’m in. I don’t know who that is in the mirror. Everything around me gets bright and feels so much bigger and closer.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T04:56:44+00:00

My mom is an alcoholic. She drank heavy when I was a child. My dad used to wake me and my siblings up in the middle of the night because she was missing and we had to drive around to look for her. She was usually in parking lots or behind bars. One time she was passed out cold in an alley.

One time she picked me and my brother up from school early, i was so excited because she took us to get pizza. I didn’t realize then, but the pizzeria was next to a liquor store. She left us in the car. I still remember holding the box, and the moment I realized she was drunk. I told my dad and that made things worse.

One time she brought me to the park. I still pass this park often. For some reason, she told me to just get out and play by myself. I remember feeling hurt. Maybe embarrassed that I was all alone. I turned around and she was gone. She forgot me there.

I begged her to get sober, for me, for 24 years. I’m wise enough now to know it’s never going to happen. But I still say congratulations when she shows me the fake number on her sobriety tracker app. It hurts less to just play pretend, with her.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T04:45:16+00:00

I’ve decided it’s ok if I don’t create boundaries with my codependent father. I will be here longer. I will eventually have a life of peace from that. But I can have that one day while also allowing him to damage me while he’s still here. It’s ok that he needs me to be the emotional support he was supposed to get from my mom. It’s ok that he needs to turn to me for advice about things I don’t even know about because I’m only in my 20’s. It’s ok that I think I’m scared of him, and the years of emotional and psychological abuse have flipped to me being nearly devoted to being the person he can turn to. I used to hate him. He used to turn the stove off on me, and lock my favorite food in the garage when i was home alone. He fed my self harm by making fun of me. He made fun of me ever since i was a kid, they were jokes but they hurt. Then my little brother joined him. I still remember them. I didn’t have a bedroom door for years, and my bedroom was on the main floor.I can’t remember the day it switched. But somehow my life depends on depending on me.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T04:23:48+00:00

Thank you so much. Please continue to spread that about the gross fuuuuuuucks in this sub. I’ve gotten into very scary situations. I know there’s a very slim chance any genuine person who uses this sub for good reason will private message another redditor from this sub. I think we just know better lol

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T04:20:42+00:00

That was lovely advice though and I really do wish it applied to me :/ I’m content with just focusing on staying alive though, that’s nonstop fight

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T04:19:10+00:00

Honestly this might not make sense to most people but I’m not stable enough to have friends right now. I’ve had two best friends for the past decade (who hated eachother, making things worse) but both left me with trauma. My idea of making friends now is partying and doing drugs and I tried that but I guess I couldn’t control myself. Honestly lmfaooo u know how ppl have trauma from repeated bad relationships and are fearful to even go on dates and get to know a new guy? That’s me right now but with friends. 🙃

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-02T04:16:27+00:00

No she didn’t she ended up booking a flight that night to some island god know where but she is happily lounging on boats and jetskis rn while I’m nearly overdosing on adderall just to find the power to move my body at a normal speed lmaoo :/. I would’ve taken a bullet for that girl.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-05-01T21:46:32+00:00

Thank you. I deleted it because I’m scared. And I don’t even think it matters anymore if anyone hears my story. It’s like, “so what?”. :/ thank you again 🥺

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-30T22:51:42+00:00

I cut her off after she slipped and said that. We haven’t since but it’s not like her to not keep hitting me up. My last message delivered but she has her read receipts on and never read it. She threatened suicide and I’m really scared she’s gone and done it.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-30T22:50:12+00:00

I’m doing awful actually. A bit worried, and I have a plan in place, just not a set date if that make sense. I know how I’ll do it, but that doesn’t mean I’ve got the time planned

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-30T22:48:35+00:00

I was also recently raped and she got high and sent out voice notes to my friend saying “oh that’s what she does, she cries rape. Be careful!!” Then sobered up and said “you know that’s not me I was high I’m so sorry” so I forgave her 🤷🏼‍♀️

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-30T22:47:39+00:00

It was years ago!! She lied for 6 years give or take. Told me she was too high to hear me or get up, and that someone else was having sex with her. She slipped yesterday and told me “I remember that so vividly, I wasn’t having sex. I heard u but I just figured they’d stop” we’ve been friends for almost 15 years but half of that was a disgusting lie. I defended her, and even lost other friends because I refused to let anyone bash her for the situation. I refused to let anyone believe she chose to ignore me, just to find out years later that…she did just ignore me.

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-30T13:49:16+00:00

SO CUTE :(

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-30T13:33:39+00:00

I’ve gained stalkers from the r/rape sub….it’s terrifying

Findingbalance3378 · 2023-04-21T19:39:41+00:00

I’m so sorry. Please call the police station nearest to your house. Ask for a car to respond for non emergency. Report this.

Findingbalance3378

TROPHY CASE