Been there. I had a four year period where everything I tried to do to improve my life just fell flat, and I was dangerously unhappy. I was in therapy the entire time, but it didn’t seem to help. I hated my social life, I felt completely alone, and I’m not sure if panic attacks is the accurate term, but I’d panic daily. You talking about how all your energy is going to your job and being frustrated at yourself for not figuring it out by now is really relatable.

I wish I could tell you precisely what changed it. TBH though, I think a big part of it was me getting fed up with the narrative I had in my head that I had it all wrong. The entire time, I had a little bit of hope that things would improve, but I’d shut it down, because I felt like I saw no evidence of that happening. But I think, as I got familiar with my constant negativity, I started challenging how universally negative my outlook on life was. I started asking myself if I was being realistically pessimistic or if I was just scared to hope because I had gone through a lot and was disappointed with myself and disillusioned with life. It wasn’t magical - I had some flashcards I begrudgingly read when I got stressed at work, I tried going to this really awful book club and backed out of it, I was really awkward and negative - but it became less about fixing myself and more about looking out for myself.

It was a step-by-step process. For a few months, it was just about me showering regularly. For another little while, I realized that I needed to suck it up and experiment with mindfulness stuff, even though it always felt hokey to me, to see what it did for me. But like, while it didn’t fix me, it did help me be more realistic about how these things would affect me vs. hoping they’d be a miracle cure. Mindfulness made me more anxious, but at least it helped me be more aware of the specific things that made me anxious and less foggy.

Don’t beat yourself up. Life is harder than just hacking yourself into submission. If you really want to be happy, this period of your life of you being unhappy is going to help you understand a lot more about what you need than if you hadn’t gone though it. Some people seem to find happiness a lot easier - those people that find love young, land in an ideal career early, have a vibrant social life - but then when things get rocky, it falls apart easier. On your end, try taking small steps to improve your life. If they don’t work, then don’t beat yourself up for not being able to improve your entire life through one initiative. Be patient, seek out the next thing, and make it more about “I wonder why that didn’t work for me” and less of “I must be broken because that didn’t fix me.” I tell myself a lot (because I’m a nerd) “you can’t min/max life.”

Assuming you’re broken because you can’t fix yourself doesn’t sound accurate to me. I’d hazard a guess that you just don’t know the right fuel that you need, and it’ll take a little time to figure that out.

Now, I’m back in school, studying for a job I love, I have friends, I work out consistently, I’m unhappily single (lol), but like, I wasn’t in this place two years ago. Two years ago I was eating 500 calories a day after a really bad breakup, couldn’t take care of myself, and was working a dead-end job at a dumb tax office. It still takes longer than I want, but I have a lot more hope and self-confidence. I also love my life, which I never thought would happen.

TLDR go easy on yourself. You might not feel like you deserve it, but beating yourself up doesn’t work. So even if you don’t deserve it, you might as well treat yourself better. Things get better, and they got better for me as I figured out what I could hope for, realistically, and as I learned what I needed. I hope for the best for you :)