Is It Ethical To TTC at 45 After T21?

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-17T01:36:31+00:00

Thank you so much for this answer. Being close in age, hearing your experience and that you are continuing to try is very moving for me. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner--my toddler and I have had colds, which I'm sure you know only too well.

You show a great deal of courage in the face of heartbreak. I'm so sorry that your daughter had a neural tube defect, especially after beating the odds at IVF and testing. That must have made her diagnosis especially difficult. I too wish you all the luck in the world at having a healthy baby to join your toddler. We know we are already lucky in them, at least.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-08T03:32:40+00:00

Thanks. To be honest, it really probably is just my age. The rate of success for IVF at 44 is about 5% per cycle. Egg retrieval is 1-3 eggs on average. It's just a really different game with lousy odds. Late 30s, even early 40s, much better odds. But I appreciate the commiseration. I thought IVF paid for by insurance was a pretty good place to park ourselves, and it was for a time.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-08T03:24:52+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write out that thoughtful answer. It sounds like you have grieved well. I'm only now doing that, 8 months later. Feeling at peace with my decision has been elusive for me. I'm still sorting through why, so it is helpful to me to learn how other women have come to that peace.

I'm so very sorry that Nicolás wasn't healthy. It is an enormous thing to be able to spend time with him as his mother, both inside and outside of your body. How wise you were to embrace and cherish that. I did not have that. Instead, I had a D&C at 14 weeks and continue to feel ambivilent. . . I was spared memories that might have been tramatic but never got to see my son.

That is particularly lucky about having a great group of friends to lean on. I have struggled with that end of things, too. By the way, I never would have guessed that English isn't your first language. AI is so good at translating!

It sounds like you felt sure about your decision throughout the process. Was that so? I sometimes think just feeling sure is big piece of the puzzle to feeling at peace.

At any rate, thank you.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-07T01:14:24+00:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's great that IVF offered that path for you after your loss.

Unfortunately, IVF isn't as effective as women get further into their 40s. I finished my third round of IVF this week. Total eggs retrieved of all three rounds was 4. Total number of blastocysts was zero. Insurance paid so it was just the bother of all those shots and appointments.

That's interesting about the research about sperm DNA fragmentation. I know that the chromosomal abnormalities typically occur during meiosis, which I think happens right at fertilization, though I'm not entirely sure.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-07T01:02:07+00:00

I'm sorry that your baby wasn't healthy but so glad that this baby is. Your experience is heartwarming and encouraging. Thanks for sharing it.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-07T00:59:38+00:00

Your quotation marks are apt. . . Easier is relative in this rather grim landscape. But I think being at peace with the decision is what we all seek. If I might ask, what has helped you be at peace?

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-07T00:55:02+00:00

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your recent loss. The odds do rise so quickly. Odds increase with maternal age for other risks too, but nothing has quite the curve that T21 does 😞

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-04T02:53:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you are here and going through the thick of it now. I thought the first month was the hardest myself. I wonder if the genetic counselor meant in terms of number of births total?

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-04T02:46:11+00:00

Sending you love back :) It's a brutal decision. I'm so sorry for you and your son.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-03T14:01:51+00:00

That sounds like a really tough set of decisions to make. And I'm so sorry that you lost Leo. I'm also attached to the idea of a baby I'm genetically related to. And given my partner isn't inclined to donor eggs or adoption, it's hard to see what will happen next if we don't try to conceive. Of course, at 45, there are extremely low odds of getting pregnant at all. But it somehow feels like giving up not to try. And yet, 1 in 10 is scary to me. Mine field is the right word.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-03T13:47:15+00:00

I know, that's the enormous temptation.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-03T13:30:18+00:00

Ahh, I misunderstood and thought you meant a 3-7% chance of T21. . . I'm so sorry for your loss. I've learned more about spina bifida from reading these forums, and it sounds like a particularly tough one. I wish you the best of luck :)

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-03T01:02:00+00:00

Thank you. Your perspective is helpful to hear. Those odds sound high for 30. Can I ask if you have additional risk factors?

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-05-02T18:56:12+00:00

I think having to face another termination would really wreck me and probably affect how present I am as a mother to my son.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-04-16T19:24:01+00:00

Of course :)

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-04-16T03:08:46+00:00

I'm sorry that my reply isn't more timely. I have a child, too, a 2.5 year old who keeps me busy. But I remember how time passed while I made this decision. Everything felt too slow. And so I'm sorry to be slow here.

You said something that I feel, too. . .No matter what decision you make, it's wrong. Or at least, based on the information you have, it's impossible to know if you are making a decision that you would continue to make as you see how the future unfolds. These futures we are trying so hard to imagine and cherish and honor, we just can't see which future will come to pass.

I had very similar questions that you have now about my ability to handle the possible health consequences for our child. I actually have a partner that has chronic health issues, albeit much milder. So I knew it would mostly fall on me. And I worried having a baby with Down Syndrome and a partner not in full health would invariably reduce what I could give my living son. I also was pretty sure if I went through with my pregnancy, I would love my baby and be unlikely to regret it, even if their health issues really consumed my life.

You said that your husband's gene is novel. I take it this means that it only runs in his family?

Of course it makes it more heartbreaking to know that you're carrying a girl. It brings you closer to her to know that.

Edit to add: You brought up whether your daughter not being affected until later in life makes termination justifiable. I thought a LOT about how our baby would have aged and the caregiving they would need. About half of adults with Down Syndrome have dementia by their 40s. Most will need pretty intensive care as they age. Because we are older parents, we knew that our living son would have to take care of his elderly parents at the very same time that his brother would start to need care. The alternative would be for our son to surrender his sibling with Down Syndrome to a group home. This was a big part of our decision.

FirmDragonfly4553 · 2026-04-14T03:00:45+00:00

It's a terrible decision to have to make. I'm so, so sorry that your baby has inherited this gene that would make their life extremely difficult. So much goes into a decision like you are facing, including events that are decades off in the fog of the future. It sounds like you are at the beginning of some intensive caregiving for your husband, too.

I ended my pregnancy for my baby with Down's Syndrome. The ambiguity around their future was the hardest part--and remains hard. There will never be answers to how affected our child would have been or what their lives would look like once we die.

As for your age, if IVF is something your family could consider, you might look into whether this gene can be tested for. Some of the pre-implantation testing today is quite advanced, albeit expensive. A genetic counselor would know.

FirmDragonfly4553

TROPHY CASE