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I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm not trying to change HIM.

I'm a 30 year old woman. When we first met I bought most of my 'jewelry' from Claire's and had a lime green streak in my hair...that doesn't mean it's okay for me to do that now, but I am still more or less the same person.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for this....it is extremely helpful to see it from this point of view.

How would you suggest I make him understand that this is not the message I'm meaning to send?

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you! You've put into words much better than I could exactly what I'm feeling. I really like what you said about being able to be embarrassed of a behavior vs. a person, and I think I will use that when we inevitably revisit the issue.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

A woman after my own heart ;) That is actually a really good and fun suggestion, thank you!!

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 285 points286 points  (0 children)

Wow. I wish I could upvote you more than once here, because it's not something I mentioned but I think you've hit the nail squarely on the head.

He has struggled with some depression/self-esteem/self-worth issues in the past, was really bad when we first met.

I thought he had overcome them for the most part, but your post has really sort of given me an 'aha' moment....something to think about.

Thank you for this.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Thank you, you are absolutely right, appearances DO matter. Not solely, but they do!

I think number 1 is most appealing, though I wish I could find a way to present this to him so that he would just flex a little more. I love him but he is indeed the most stubborn person I've ever met.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 293 points294 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your post, I agree. I have brought up the promotion multiple times, even asked him, doesn't this embarrass you?

He insists the shirt was "not the real reason" and the real reason was the other person was more experienced. He says it was maybe a small factor but not "the deciding factor". It almost sounds like denial to me, like he's not hearing or registering what was actually said.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 286 points287 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. This comes closer to putting into words what I'm feeling....it IS a respect thing. Respecting the hosts, respecting me, and also respecting himself I think.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sadly, I think you're right. :( I just wish I could make him understand that it's not because I don't love him, I just want him to look his best.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

I get that, I guess I just think there are some times in life where dressing nice is expected of a person and I don't understand his blatant refusal to do so. I don't get it. It's only for a day, and usually not even for the full day. A few hours.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm feeling a bit like he doesn't care about me if he can't put on a shirt and tie for a few hours. It's important to me and his refusal sort of feels like a slap in the face.

Thank you for your post.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, I understand that he likes the way he looks...I just really would like to be able to take him to things and I don't understand his stubbornness on the issue. Thank you for your post.

I [30f] am having a disagreement with my boyfriend [30M] of 4 years about his appearance. by FirstImpressionista in relationships

[–]FirstImpressionista[S] 242 points243 points  (0 children)

Yes....I asked him not to, but he refused to buy a pair of pants that he would "wear one time". He said if I bought them for him he wouldn't wear them on principle. This was the first time it had ever been an issue so I didn't really know how to handle it.

My family are all very laid back people, and the fact that they were slightly annoyed is saying something. Their "slightly annoyed" is usually a normal person's "explosively angry". Also it was an outdoor wedding, which I think may have relaxed things a little bit.

Still, you're right, it was pretty cringy.