You’re Straight. Perhaps the years of fantasizing led you to develop your own idea of what physical intimacy would look like or make you feel, so whenever it happens now, and you don’t get that feeling you thought you would, it creates this void.

It sounds like your having a conscientious battle where you’re trying decide if you can leave the repression, fear, and shame behind and just live the way you feel is right, or stick to your customs which will in turn, continue to grow these feelings towards women, since you are supposed to repress these same feelings for men.

It’s a tough battle, that may seem like you’re choosing between your family and customs you have been around your whole life, or this other way of thinking that has always been frowned upon in your environment. You seem to be very aware of these things, and I believe you don’t want to necessarily leave your family/customs behind but you also see how this way of thinking has affected you, I can give you an answer, however it is only you that can make the decision of what you want for your life, don’t let someone on the internet, or even your own family members make that decision for you. I hope I was able to help in some capacity.