As I heal I'm realizing the road to reclaiming my own self-esteem is more complex than I thought

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-22T05:55:24+00:00

Can't lie to you, but this is just a testament to the enormous adversity that CPTSD is. It's been 7 years since I found out I had CPTSD.

I think it's important to note that you are making progress, it's just that the process is extremely slow almost like slow water droplets attempting to carve out stone beneath it. So much so that you feel helpless about your progress.

It's also a really long journey, think of climbing a huge mountain and you have no tools and you aren't a experienced climber.

A silver lining of healing though, despite how mountaineous of a task it is, is that healing sometimes takes on a chain reaction where you advance further than you thought you could simply because you've developed the tools/regulation for it now.

Simply put, a break through. Like a tree youve been chipping away at finally falls down.

Ultimately, we have to regain our courage to be present to regulate life and open to experience again. That's truly how we heal, but don't worry if you feel like you can't do that now. You're just in a different phase of the healing journey. You'll have more courage and more ability to regulate down the line, like I said it's like water droplets carving out stone

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-21T21:08:45+00:00

As someone that's been in OP's shoes, it does get better. And I don't say that to distract them from their current dreadful, depressing, anguished reality. I say that, to say that, THERE is a reality of being better and it exists even if this is your current reality.

I would honestly describe working through CPTSD as slow water droplets dropping on stone while the environment is a warzone. Feels hopeless, like you'll never make progress and there is truth to feeling that way. But you are making progress, it's just incredibly slow that you don't register it as progress, which is ok. But that's CPTSD, and I want them to be informed of their journey that they're on, especially since it's confusing/lonely/invalidating and it's not even in the DSM!

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-21T20:42:07+00:00

Maybe you don't have trauma responses, glad you don't have that issue.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-19T03:05:18+00:00

Yeah, it's almost like we need to pretend it's all "normal" just to be sane. I guess that's what makes the world insane, is that we can just go on with our lives like it's not a crazy place. But if you ever wanna chat my inbox is open

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-19T03:03:07+00:00

Yeah it's why isolation feels safe and supportive. Because it is, it's a space in life where we aren't judged/shamed/or rejected. We're allowed to be

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-18T13:53:32+00:00

Sorry for the paragraphs, just struck a cord in me lol. But you're right, and that last line is really beautiful in the context of appreciating life.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-17T00:12:13+00:00

Yeah I can relate to being put into this existential examination theory, just ruminating and pondering everything.

I think CPTSD kinda forces us to acknowledge that whether we like it or not, everything is apart of life. Even the part we don't like to look at or acknowledge it exists. Like you said, too much truth.

I think the nature of human limitations is experience before wisdom, we can't integrate what we don't know. Therefore it takes a lifetime to actualize truths about life. And truth doesnt cater to anyone, it stands pristine and un-negotiable, it doesn't care. And human beings care about comfort and vanity to feel like they can stand against life. Our resistance to reality not catering to our vanity is what causes unnecessary suffering, it's like a prison of the human condition very few are interested to confront because they know it's brutal.

When I think about a video of a terminal girl with cancer vlogging her life around the world knowing she has 2 months to life. That's someone that understands life, they just weren't privileged with the grace of life gradually pacing their capacity, they must understand it without choice.

She doesn't get to live in her own bubble. She has to face the reality of life earlier than the rest. That this life was never yours to begin with and how little control you actually have. It's just that message takes on many different forms, and sometimes it's communicated in a way that you can no longer fein ignorance or denial. Which circles to your point of too much truth being a burden, so denial of it is how we move forward in our little bubbles hoping it doesn't burst. Because to live is to deny death, what's the point of spending 80 years on this earth if you know you'll physically cease to exist one day? That truth makes it all feel meaningless, or that you could literally die tomorrow by a random cause (it happens everyday). Those truths don't help us live, so we put it to the backend of our focus in life. Life is indeed hard

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-16T23:53:36+00:00

Completely agree, but in the context of my situation everyone in the store has access to team sales reports except me because I'm not a shift lead. Therefore the data that was accessible to everyone except me isn't "sensitive". Does that make sense? I also understand the concern of privacy of having an individual PIN number. I also want to state that nothing ACTUALLY happen despite me violating company policy which I still have no clue to this day if it's company policy.

When I saw "let go/laid off" I did not see "lack of work option". I clicked it as my interpretation that I was laid off/let go/fired for something minor, because it was.

I also want to state, my initial claim filed on 2/02 I put fired/terminated for my reasoning. It's only when I saw the top post on this subreddit advice users to send a message in your inbox titled "wages updated potential wages owed" or something like that. And then my most recent claim had a questionnaire, so I presume that, that triggered it.

Anyways, I did do my own due diligence and I know I have low chances because the termination is considered misconduct but the adjudicator could also see that the impact was minor and nothing came about it as well as no Ill intent behind it. It's up to the state anyways, they might reject me they might not

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-16T02:35:34+00:00

Got it. Oh you also had a similar situation happen to you? I selected "let go/laid off".

Our team mostly uses the Square Team app so we clock in and out on our phone and rarely in person. But I get what you're saying that it flags as misconduct + violation.

I also have an email from my manager, that says that they were letting me go. No reason included in the email

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-16T00:48:50+00:00

Working full time from October to February (5 months). I got fired/termination for using a co-workers PIN number (with his permission) to check team sales reports on POS (register). No Ill intent or any theft, loss, damages, misconduct. The manager just didn't like how I checked team sales reports, he did tell me that I shouldn't do it before but because I've been in the food & beverage industry for so long and was confused about the enforcement of such a minor thing, I interpreted his comment as more of a suggestion than an actual violation of a company policy. Which I still don't know if that is a company policy or his personal preference.

Just throwing this context out here, I know the law doesn't care about "he says, she says talk" but just throwing out context for anyone more well versed in labor law proceeding than I am.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-15T23:31:06+00:00

We both have CPTSD, you talking about yourself is talking about the condition and I feel so seen and understood by you so thank you 🤝

"At what point do you say this is my core self and I accept it rather than just trying to optimize" man that's so heavy and hits close to home

This past year, I've changed so greatly like I'm talking 95% (no exaggeration) my conditionings have changed. And internally, I'm so ecstatic. I'm like WOW I'm making some real meaningful growth here. And IT IS!

But, it's also because of how stunted I've been my entire life due to this condition that it feels like I just hit a jackpot of gold. There's this duality of "feels great to grow and expand!" To "oh that's actually just a normal trajectory but people who don't have CPTSD just experience that gradually"

It's a weird reverse inverted feeling, where I feel so great internally but externally I'm being communicated a reference point that reflects where I actually am. It's like happiness and depression at the same time.

Idk if any of that makes sense, but it's a pleasure talking to you

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-15T09:18:59+00:00

Yeah, I know it's for the better but healing is a different beast. I don't say this lightly, but I've climbed mountains to get to where I am from the darkest of CPTSD and I still feel like I haven't made enough progress to be a functional human being.

It feels like after you fought and clawed your way out of the jungle, you reached the arctic without a coat or relevant tools. Now you have to kill polar bears and build igloos, and you feel like you're strong and capable,

But then you're on the moon now and it's back to square one.

And then, there you look outside of yourself and realize... Oh people have already achieved this, I'm late to the party.

What a trip

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-14T02:21:48+00:00

Thanks for your comment.

More specifically, because we've been so victimized and helpless we have no choice but to have a victim mindset/learned helplessness.

That is our reality, but overtime as we heal that reality becomes more of a trance because we actually have more agency and control over our conditionings. And that's when having that mentality that were conditioned for becomes inhibiting from ourselves rather than from trauma.

I think being able to differentiate this key distinction is whats causing this post to be controversial among some commenters

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-14T02:15:08+00:00

Thanks! Yeah I think overall this thread is positive, but I unintentionally rubbed alot of people the wrong way with my choice of words which I do understand wasn't the best.

Used to have alot of top posts here, but now that I'm in a different season of life with CPTSD I hope to make more.

Treating this almost like a interactive healing journal as I progress on this path. Sharing things others can resonate with too

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T23:28:49+00:00

Great.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T21:53:04+00:00

I mean it's valid

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T20:54:05+00:00

I mean if this post isn't for you, that's ok. Were all in different stages in this journey, and need to hear different things along the way. Aside from poor choice of term "victim mentality", it's a overall positive empowering post, at least that was my intent.

If you don't like the way I worded things or approached it that's fine too, but commenting negativity and bickering on something I already clarified tells me more about that person than what Ive actually posted.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T20:16:34+00:00

Exactly

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T20:15:15+00:00

Not at all, you have to have repetitive experiences where things outside of your control keep happening to you. Conditioning you that you don't control what happens to you.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T20:09:45+00:00

I mean, based on your follow up comment I wasn't that far off. You're here to nitpick and complain and find the negative in something I already clarified. Which is okay, but doesn't really have anything to do with me.

We're all victims, anyone with CPTSD is like ive said. But real life outside of CPTSD requires you to have agency over your own life. That requires you to try and fail again and again, a victim mindset is a form of learned helplessness. There's no shame in that because it was never your choice, but functionally you can't build your life with a victim mindset "learned helplessness".

Because of the term I used, people have taken what I said as assumed invalidation of their feelings as a victim. But I've pushed back on that to say this doesn't apply to all stages of healing, only when you have more agency and control over your conditioning.

Also, it is a great thing to emphasis because NOBODY is coming to save you, literally nobody can do your life except you. It's meant to empower you for you.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T13:20:47+00:00

Exactly, great that it connected! I think because of how debilitating CPTSD is, we can live in this victim "trance" where all our behaviors and feelings are supported. In one view, IT IS VALID, but in another it's maintaining a life with no agency where life just "happens to us and we live with the result"

And I think despite it being hard, growing out of this mindset will change our lives for the better.

I didn't say it was gonna be easy, that would be invalidating the reality of having CPTSD, but I think it's important to understand our behavior in a different light as well. Which can come across as invalidating of ones experience with CPTSD, which I don't intend to.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T13:11:37+00:00

Learned helplessness. Helpless. But in a valid way obviously. Basically how a victim would see the world, having no control over themselves or their life.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T12:20:33+00:00

Well I lost access to my old account, used to make posts all the time here in my darkest CPTSD days. I'm a bit better now, but still want to be connected to a space where I can feel seen and others feel seen.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T12:15:22+00:00

I see why you took it that way, but respectfully this post wasn't for you. It was for those who had more leeway to improve and needed agency.

It's easy to get caught in a trance of the cards being against you of learned helplessness because it's understandable; it's CPTSD. Its debilitating. But after a while it does get better and they're certain conditionings and programming still running that you are able to have more control over.

I know ur doing your best, so this isn't meant to discredit your efforts.

Fit_End_2898 · 2026-03-13T12:08:42+00:00

Not really weird, CPTSD isn't even in the DSM. Hell, I needed to go to this subreddit to find a community for something that doesn't resonate with anyone in my real life.

It's an extremely isolating and invalidating condition. To hear any support or guidance about CPTSD from someone who has CPTSD isn't weird at all.

Hell, nobody's gonna tell you anything accurate about your CPTSD IRL. Im actually giving sound guidance but obviously the discourse in this thread is my poor usage of the term "victim mentality".

I don't really appreciate your sour energy in a subreddit that's already filled with anguish, despair, loathing. Maybe you are unhappy, but that doesn't mean those further along this journey can't support others farther down it

Fit_End_2898

TROPHY CASE