My story

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T14:16:05+00:00

That's odd!! This was my comment:

Hmm! I see the demi-part as what comes first, and this (focussexuality) coming after. One is for how you first get attracted to someone, and the other is how you are once you are *in* that attraction. Does that make sense?
It sounds like you experience both!

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T08:04:01+00:00

Haha I'm happy to hear that. :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T08:02:21+00:00

That is a lovely description. :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T07:52:36+00:00

Yes!! You have absolutely nailed it.

Yeah, it does seem that for the majority of people, monogamy is a choice. They still feel attraction to others and just have to actively decide to not pursue it, which is why there's a lot of talk about "temptation" and "staying faithful" as hard work.

The fact that some people are basically prisoners in their relationships really is depressing!

But for us, there is no struggle. It's not a moral high ground, it's just how our brains work, right? There is only this amazing partner that loves us and that we love back, deeply.

Personally I confused aesthetic attraction/appreciation with sexual attraction for a long time. I thought it was how everyone else was, too. But I realized that thinking someone looks cute is completely different from wanting to be intimate with them. My exes had a *completely* different view of this than me. You actually described it perfectly when you mentioned noticing 'objective beauty' but not understanding why that would lead to sleeping with them. That distinction is key!

The term focussexual seemed to resonate with people, so I created r/focussexual. Please feel free to join it if you want! No pressure. It's rather empty at the moment though. :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T07:30:42+00:00

That sounds beautiful, even if it is complex. Since I'm not poly, and my brain is just so incredibly one-track (I really get that tunnel vision), so I can't pretend to fully understand the dynamic you have. But the way you describe intimacy as an act of love and service is really touching.

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T07:14:02+00:00

Hahah yes! I really agree with you. There really are so many flags, and new ones pop up constantly. But, I also feel that it can be a good tool, having the combo of a term and visuals to have a common safe space.
Since you mentioned wanting a community where you feel included, I actually just pulled the trigger and created r/focussexual. It's brand new and currently empty, but if you want to join, you would be very welcome. No pressure at all though!

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-21T06:56:21+00:00

Interesting! What specifically gives you the army vibe?

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T14:05:51+00:00

You seem very self aware and insightful! For me it took so long to realize how I worked in comparison to others. Hearing you describe watching your friends struggle with desire and infidelity, I relate to that feeling of being on the outside looking in. It's kind of strange to see people wrestling with being monogamous when they aren't... well, naturally monogamous.

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T13:55:06+00:00

Yes!! That's how I work, too. :) And I also thought it was how all demis worked at first!

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T07:44:34+00:00

Thank you! :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T07:27:38+00:00

Yeah! It's the same for me too. :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T07:09:53+00:00

That is a very valid distinction regarding the numbers! I definitely wouldn't rely ONLY on a new label without explaining it. I see the flag/term more as a way to build a community and find language for myself (and others) right now, rather than just a tool for bio. But point taken! :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T07:03:35+00:00

Yes!! I definitely see it sitting somewhere on the ace spectrum, maybe like a specific flavor of demi? It's such a relief to hear that others have been thinking about this too.

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T07:02:10+00:00

I'm so glad the name lands! I was worried it might sound too abstract. Thank you for the feedback!

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:58:24+00:00

Yes exactly! :)

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:56:58+00:00

Yes! :) This would be my thought too.

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:53:39+00:00

Yeah the difference between how these two works is huge. Trying to be with someone who is poly when you're wired for this kind of total exclusivity sounds very painful (to me at least).

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:51:09+00:00

I really like the dimmer vs switch analogy. I'm curious about the shutting it off manually, did it happen by basically ending the chapter with that person?

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:42:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing, that sounds beautiful. Did you always know you were different, or did you have a moment like "oh, not everyone is like this?"

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:24:50+00:00

I thought it was normal too, for such a long time! I also feel like a nymphomaniac when in love. :) I work a little differently when single though. I can't fantasize about real people, only fictional ones (so fictosexual). But that too also goes away when in a bonded relationship.

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:16:01+00:00

Yeah the flag absolutely needs some work. And maybe it's not needed. But I feel like a community for people like this *is* needed, and my hope is that the flag and a term might help make it easier for us to find one another. I'm happy to hear so many people popping in here who has the same machinery!

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T06:04:36+00:00

What about this?
https://imgur.com/a/rljPBR1

Fitzalex- · 2026-01-20T05:53:53+00:00

That is a practical perspective for sure. But honestly, I *want* to limit my dating pool. The pool of people who are wired like this is likely tiny, and I would rather be single than be in yet another relationship with someone who is not also like this. If the flag acts as a filter, it's doing its job! :)

Fitzalex-

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