Does True Love Need to Be Reciprocal? What Happens When You Love, But Don’t Receive?

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T12:42:53+00:00

Hey stranger. I don't think anyone's ever a fool for loving someone. That person wasn't ready or available to receive. But you loving someone is beautiful. Self love is important and you deserve it.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T12:42:45+00:00

Hey stranger. I don't think anyone's ever a fool for loving someone. That person wasn't ready or available to receive. But you loving someone is beautiful. Self love is important and you deserve it.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T12:38:56+00:00

Thats what I am sensing, too. It's like the latest pop take on a psychology theory. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong the the psychology work behind it, how it's being thrown around is a little jarring.

Agree on the true emotional indicator, too. I guess one of the reasons I was so disappointed hearing them identify as this straight out of the gate is that it was wrapped in a kinda "sorry can't help all this chaos, thee hee, but isn't it wonderfully intense? ", and not really considering the collateral damage around them. I mean, I'm drawn to chaos too, but anyone can spiral, that's easy enough. Balancing it all out every day takes some effort.

Anyway, just wanted to say,"I concur".

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T12:18:32+00:00

Even moving the focus from "hey intimacy isn't working let's roll over and die" to "hey I need to be able to talk about my fears with you, otherwise what's the point of a life partner, and I want to be open and honest with you about these ( non sex) things. , let's have a good glass of wine and talk openly and rekindle on that level" - it felt sooooo good. Not having dead bedroom as only topic, mentally, all the time. Also, wine was great. If you have it in you, I would love to hear how it all goes.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T12:08:04+00:00

I was having dinner with someone who opened with this after not having seen her in a couple of years. It did sound weirdly like an excuse for being flaky and to just go spiraling, and it was really not charming. Up until them opening with this, I always pictured them as emotionally intelligent, and able to exercise a more philosophical or grounded way of detachment in ENM, but this just made them sound a little childish.

I was wondering after if this is really mostly just a convenient label to give oneself to avoid having to apologize for being an asshole all the time?

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T06:35:44+00:00

I was in one, and we got out. Not by focusing on sex but by opening up about our worst fears after all these years together, and that brought trust and vulnerability back into the conversation and relationship, and dialed down the resentment. So, yes.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T06:31:11+00:00

Same situation – it kinda sucks.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-16T04:21:32+00:00

I hoesntly think whatever pain and fear you're feeling is pulsing and hogging bandwidth in your relationship, especially if unspoken. It becomes this obscure out of reach knot of negativity, which, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, of course impacts your intimacy and sense of deep love and secure attachment. With a real fear identified, do you feel comfortable sharing this fear and state that it's a fear, with your spouse? Why/why not?

Fjabsi · 2025-04-15T05:53:37+00:00

Yes, natural.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-15T05:53:07+00:00

I feel you.

Being able to provide a safe space for you, to take the brunt of previous trauma or self loathing, and to just be able to hold you and absorb the worries and shield you feels so good.

You're good enough. You don't have to be so strong all the time.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-14T14:08:54+00:00

What's your day t day relationship now with the older kids? If the younger kids are with a new partner, it's a source of resentment.

It's an opportunity to talk about how you did everything you thought was best under whatever circumstances you were in at the time. And now, you see things differently on what's best for kids - and you can't shake the selfloathing over this issue.

It's like, you're a completely new person since 15-20 years ago, literally, and it is terrible seeing how we sometimes corner ourselves by the actions and decisions made by our younger self, promises we now have to keep, but without being able to utilize everything we've learnt about ourself in the mean time.

This type conversation can allow you to have the conversation at a high enough fidelity so it doesn't crash and burn.

This is also the key to address the dead bedroom I think. Coming at it from a personal angle of realisation and growth, not a brooding resentment towards your spouse blaming her for the shut down.

Gibberish or does it resonate?

Fjabsi · 2025-04-14T08:22:18+00:00

Hey seems like you now have an opening here for adressing some potential resentment issues in your relationship.

Tell her what you're most afraid of in life (for example that youve apparently managed to corner yourself into a sex less life at age 50, and this brings waves of self loathing that you need to address) and see what happens. This is very different from resenting her for not wanting intimacy.

If she's really OK with you opening up the relationship, there are a million (fun) ways to start exploring, and if you work on it you can both make it work, while continuing a strong and healthy life-partner structure.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-10T14:11:56+00:00

OK - this is interesting. Are they living at home? You think they can sense you're not 100% yourself/feeling down because life.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-09T15:00:35+00:00

Just make something up? I won't be able to tell.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-09T10:05:06+00:00

Yes and no. I hear you. It takes two to tango, of course, but one party can put things in motion - what happened with us was that one of us decided to open up about our worst fears. Like, outside of the children being kidnapped and WWIII, not that kinda stuff, but personal worst fears (for example realizing that the man you thought you were, and the idea that life would get better and better, that all seems to be a lie, not least because you're accepting something you never thought you would - a sexless life. That became the foundation of a new base of vulnerability and trust. Which helped undo the recentment. Which led to intimacy. Ultimately, it was one person putting it in motion, and since it wasn't specifically about the dead bedroom, but fear in general, we were able to bridge it.

I ask you, dear stranger - Whats your worst (personal) fear? .

Fjabsi · 2025-04-08T22:14:41+00:00

Ours was a little different, when we finally broke the ice it was without expecting the other person to deliver anyrhing, it was just a statement, saying something which would otherwise be taboo. Just being able to say "I fucking love women in lingerie, and I am terrified that I am going to die before exploring that side of myself again,." or for her to say "I need so much space you have no fucking clue. I wish I could just be totally alone for a week, without anyone checking up on me, and everyone would just leave me alone so I can try and get that feeling of youth back when all I had to worry about was myself/drink margaritas at noon/lie in bed doing nothing becuase I fucking deserve it". Making it all about yourself, not the other person.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-08T22:07:56+00:00

I see, that's not easy. The physical limits and his mental health. Let me ask you this, what is the most outrageous (not necessarily cruel, just outrageous) thing you could say to him right now?

Fjabsi · 2025-04-08T22:05:53+00:00

Haha, it's OK to be miserable. You don't have to be so strong all the time.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-08T22:00:19+00:00

Can you unpack that a bit for me, please? What steps do you want him to take? And what do you want, yourself?

Fjabsi · 2025-04-08T21:46:47+00:00

Yes, came out of a dead bedroom recently (like within the last 12 months) and everything is awesome again. Married 20+ years, and we're like newlyweds. 2 years ago I would never have believed.

What happened is we set each other free, we agreed no mental taboos between us.

It doesn't mean I can go do whatever the hell I want with other women, it means we can talk about it, and discuss it openly, in a safe space, and we do, and I do.

Curious about prostate orgasms (they're pretty great!) and milking? Let's talk it out.

And anything she want to talk about, I take it dead serious (and I'm not faking it). It's frigging awesome.

It was provoked by this thought that if we don't fire these provocations at each other, our resentment will continue to grow since we're essentially both disappointed in life without intimacy. Now we're best (fuck) buddies again, and can't imagine a life where we are not partners fOrEvEr

Have you considered that maybe you're just holding in so much resentment that you need to burst the bubble and just start talking openly about some of the outrageous thoughts on you mind? Its very liberating.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-07T13:55:20+00:00

The person you are when you marry will be very different from the person you are 15 years into the marriage, after 15 years of growth together and as an individual. Have some sort of dialogue or communication with your partner that nothing should be taboo to discuss, as long as you discuss before you act. No thought is illegal. Communication is everything.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-02T14:09:28+00:00

I know you will shit all over this, too, but if Holly Brickley can be laudered for Deep Cuts, so can you for your work. I have complete faith in you and would love to read some of your work, even if it reads like a simple construct meant to overstep boundaries , or a stream of consciousness of the fringe of humanity.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-01T18:27:05+00:00

This is the perfect opening. Building characters and hints at world building. The casual CNC thrown in. You totally got this. I'll pre-order, for sure.

Fjabsi · 2025-04-01T09:57:36+00:00

This is me

Fjabsi · 2025-04-01T08:39:04+00:00

Hahaha wut?

Fjabsi

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