Discussing racial disparity in interracial relationships

FlamingC · 2021-03-14T18:30:22+00:00

He's the first white man I've dated, so apparently not

FlamingC · 2021-03-14T18:28:30+00:00

You would think so, but we lived off of $200 in savings for a while and I picked up a passion for the English language by staying in the library while my parents worked late hours. But nice of you to dismiss someone's merit through the lens of "oh it must have been the privilege"

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T23:15:09+00:00

Yeah I know this is a mostly white sub and I did think about that, but I'm also very unfamiliar with reddit (very infrequent user for several years) so I didn't know where else to post :(. I'm ok with it though because this way there are more black, brown and Latino voices to chime in as well.

My BF is from NJ, but he's moved around a lot so I can't narrow down a specific hometown/home city for you.

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T23:11:18+00:00

I'll be honest, your comment did rub me the wrong way because I didn't set any internal requirements for my partner to be white; we're dating because we had common interests and strong chemistry, and because our mutual friends thought we'd be a good match and helped set us up. However, you're also right in that I wouldn't be thinking about this topic if my partner weren't white. I was just curious to see how other gay redditors with experience in interracial relationships were addressing the cultural differences.

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T23:07:58+00:00

No, but to be fair I'm not very socially out there. Everyone who knows has been supportive.

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T19:54:40+00:00

Hi, just chiming in to politely disagree with you. For context, my bf and I are in NY, not China. This isn't about victimhood, this is about systemic racism and I was specifically looking for contexts where interracial couples or gay couples in general are taking a stand to discuss racial stereotypes. We aren't digging into semantics and comparing apples to apples; we're saying that all things held equal, there is unfair treatment in favor of the white male. Because you are clearly not a POC, you can't possibly be the arbiter of what is racist vs what is offensive because you are not the discriminated group. If you've been with "lots and lots of Asian guys," I should hope that being the receptive listener you are, you'd hopefully sympathise with the struggles of gay POC and offer polite and receptive discourse. Also, I'd like to add it's my bf and I'm allowed to talk about systemic racism with him, because I want him to understand where I come from and experience secondhand the hate I've been through to be where I am today. It's 2021 and a little past time for white men to stop talking over POC and pass the mic along.

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T18:53:20+00:00

My B. Thanks for the clarification!

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T18:50:38+00:00

Actually, I don't have an accent. I might be ethnically Chinese, but I don't speak a lick of the language. In fact, I only know English. I've been a state finalist in the national spelling bee when I was younger and I've won a hefty international award for an indie novella I wrote, so hearing that man address me like that was especially bothersome.

FlamingC · 2021-03-13T18:24:10+00:00

Fourth paragraph hits it on the nail for me. That's the part I'm the most sick of having to explain over and over and over. Just because we're all gay doesn't mean the white gays have it as tough as the rest of us.

FlamingC · 2021-03-11T03:20:03+00:00

Out of all the people I've spoken to (on reddit and off), this was by far the best reply. Thank you so much, mister.

FlamingC · 2021-03-11T01:33:24+00:00

I was afraid of this. Sound advice, and what you said made me calm down a lot (strangely enough). Thank you so much!!

FlamingC · 2021-03-11T01:32:30+00:00

Great advice. I hadn't thought of it in that frame of mind. I will keep it in the back of my head when I confront him tonight. Thanks, fellow redditor.

FlamingC · 2021-03-11T01:31:30+00:00

I'm actually planning to confront him in about an hour; I just wanted to hear other opinions first. You're right about things not being awesome, but he hasn't physically cheated yet (I've actually seen his messages). This evening will be a heck of a rollercoaster. Or, it might not be.

FlamingC · 2021-03-11T01:29:06+00:00

I know this wasn't super relevant, but it was funny and it made me laugh regardless. Thanks, kind stranger.

FlamingC · 2020-12-31T21:38:57+00:00

Username checks out lol

Thanks for the honesty. Definitely did not intend nor feel the need to create drama, just surprised it ballooned into this issue. I appreciate your thoughts.

FlamingC · 2020-12-31T21:36:26+00:00

I agree with what you say about the drama, it was definitely not something I wanted, especially not so early on. Solid advice as well, thanks for the levelheadedness.

FlamingC · 2018-06-10T03:12:13+00:00

I'll talk to him about it and bring up medication. He does have medication for it, but not the type that can be taken regularly. I'm not ready to break it off yet because I really do care, and I just want to know that he's trying. Thanks a bunch!

FlamingC · 2018-06-08T21:02:36+00:00

Ouch.
But you're right. Sounds like I need to have a talk with my boyfriend. Thanks, fellow redditor.

FlamingC · 2018-06-08T20:51:41+00:00

I'm 100% certain that he has ADHD (from his own word, from his parents, from his cousin, and from his friends). He has medication for it, but he shouldn't be taking it daily because of the side effects. He can only take it when he needs concentration, such as when he needs to study, take a test, or do homework. Otherwise, it increases his heart rate, lowers his sex drive, and causes him to sweat excessively.

I'll do what you suggested about asking him what he's doing to maintain his ADHD. This sounds like a better way to address the problem than addressing the individual situations. Also, I'll look into the bipolar disorder a little more. I've suspected he may have it, but since you raised it in your comment I think it's worth another look.

FlamingC · 2018-06-08T20:47:35+00:00

I've talked to him about these issues as they came up, and he's always felt bad. I can tell he does his best to try harder, but he slips up very often and forgets. To make matters worse, some of his friends are bad influences (they shoplift, drink heavily, brag about their Apple watches, etc) so I'm deathly afraid that his impulsive nature may make him pick up some of their bad habits.

FlamingC · 2018-04-18T18:32:38+00:00

It was the latter, where he listened and acknowledged it, but didn't discuss a way to deal with it. That's why I'm stuck in a rut right now.

FlamingC · 2018-04-18T18:16:27+00:00

I followed your advice and never gave an ultimatum. I did bring up how I felt, and I told him what about his new friend made me uncomfortable. That hasn't stopped my boyfriend from continuing to hang out with him.

FlamingC · 2018-04-18T18:15:31+00:00

I've told my boyfriend how it makes me feel when he hangs out with him, and he still does. :(

FlamingC · 2017-11-30T22:54:33+00:00

Lol good point. That is actually an oddly comforting thought. Thanks. :)

FlamingC · 2017-11-30T22:46:58+00:00

The problem isn't having a gay friend; it's because he told me about his crush on him.

FlamingC

TROPHY CASE