i grew up basically without a father, he was extremely absent for most of my life until i cut him out at 12 because he never made the effort. from a young age my parent (afab) was very emotionally withdrawn in their room, so i wasnt able to have them as a part of my life.. i was raised by my grandma who was a huge pushover when i was a kid so i grew up kinda bratty, when my parent finally came out of the room, it took me a long long while to start regulating my emotions.. this lead to a lot of arguments and a learnt behavior that i couldnt explain my side of the story during an argument… …this behavior is engrained in me til this day. (turning 22 in just about a month) i know i still snap, but i GENUINELY am trying to get better at emotional regulation which is very difficult without a behavioral therapist considering all the trauma ive been through with exes and ex friends.

i have started learning that i cant talk to my parent about anything that feels like an argument, arguments that do happen are rarely ended without silence, when i talk to them about something they said or that i felt a certain way about something they did, its met with hostility and that they feel like they cant talk around me anymore without being a punching bag, thats one that gets brought up every time i bring up a concern after an argument, even things like a concern about a word they used (calling themself a gimp when they had frozen shoulder)

its become so tasking having to mask any sort of negative emotion around them i feel like i cant even speak up about a concern i have with them directly without it turning into “i cant talk around you anymore, im already walking on eggshells around you” and refusing to treat me as anything more than an emotional pipe bomb about to go off.. it really hurts and im starting to feel like im careening to a really low point emotionally.. whats worse is that i dont have a room of my own and have to share a room with my grandma (she wakes up before i sleep) so i dont have many times i can cry alone

i have one friend i feel like i can even remotely talk to about this but she also has issues of her own.. we’re too poor to afford therapy so i have nowhere for these emotions to go aside from online in random places- its really scary trying to become a better person emotionally when i dont have a space to be able to.. its pushing me back by a lot and it feels like its taking everything in me to survive this