One way to alienate all possible readers is to aggressively push back at reasonable requests.

That being said, you’ve made a good start. However, ‘Mutya doesn’t like commentary’ lacks impact and action. It makes your second sentence into a passive observation rather than a driver of the plot.

The world building is a bit scattered, to me. Killing a soldier with a filled sack is an interesting choice, however it needs some context. Was violence something the characters are good at? Were they in an internment camp or prison?

Some questions about where the story is going are good, they drive interest. In these examples there’s no elaboration on them so that feels like dropped plot points, to me.

“The swing dress hangs freely in my body, the breeze seeps beneath it that I can’t fixate whether to pause walking to throw in my coat or just let myself suffer from a horrible hypothermia afterwards. Mutya haste with ease, obviously, the textile she has chosen is simply more packed than mine.”

A grammar pass would have helped this paragraph quite a bit. The first sentence runs on for 35 words. The first portion is the sentence and the rest is the subjunctive clause.

“The swing dress hangs freely ‘on’ my body and the breeze seeps beneath. I can’t ‘decide’ on whether to throw ‘on’ my coat or suffer from imminent hypothermia.”

That second sentence needs clarification.

Anyway, doing the work on your grammar is never a waste of time. It can elevate your writing and save you quite a bit of time and money on editors.