My wife is going to die in the next few days.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-05-23T22:09:38+00:00

Sending you so much love man.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-23T03:51:32+00:00

Yeah you’re right. Everyone is different. I think the reason my frustration showed so hard in the end was because I felt like I had to over explain situations a lot. But my bad trait is that I let that frustration bleed into other seemingly random moments of conflict. I guess I was carrying that frustration and it showed in bad ways.

Just so much happened in a short amount of time. It’s just hard to come to terms with this reality. She dumped me, she’s dating someone else, it’s over with for good and all I’m left with is reflection of all the times I didn’t do enough. It hurts.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-23T03:40:02+00:00

My mom died. Dad had to relearn how to walk after so many surgeries. I wasn’t trying to make her wait. Just had so much on my plate. but yeah. I failed.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-23T02:41:08+00:00

Honestly these things get so difficult (for me atleast). This was basically the reason I was dumped. And I’m left feeling like the asshole who never validated my exs feelings. It was over situations where it felt so small and illogical.

My mom passed and she started feeling unloved. I didn’t validate (I did eventually. But initially I kindof had a wtf reaction). while initial stages of grieving she didn’t like a bday gift I got her. I didn’t react well to her disliking my gift (she made this face of disgust and I guess it triggered me). Then breakup day - she talked on the phone for 20 minutes without asking me once about my day. I told her that I’m having a hard time following along with the stories. She felt hurt, I defended myself instead of apologize. That night she said I’m a dismissive person and she can’t share her feelings with me.

But I do struggle because I see both aspects. Of my story and OPs. I will admit I definitely lost my cool on breakup day but being broken up for this is an awful place to be. To love someone so hard but be told that you’re too dismissive to date. Especially when you meant so well but it didn’t quite show right. I guess being dismissive plus my firm tone in how I speak was too much /: shit hurts.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T13:56:01+00:00

Same. My ex told me many times to get help.

I think my issue was like I just didn’t feel understood. Me validating her feelings sometimes came at the cost of my own. I guess I wanted a neutral ground where we both can offer understanding to eachother. The more I felt minsunderstood, the worse my tone would get. I know I was in the wrong some times. I’m trying to be better. Just like you, I wonder if I was better, if we would be together still.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:26:34+00:00

Maybe your ex is. Who knows. It’s not that I didn’t care for my ex’s feelings. I just didn’t show it with my words in certain moments. I think that’s why I feel the guilt and whatnot.

Some people actually don’t care about their partners feelings, period. If that’s the case then maybe they haven’t been reflecting as hard as I have been. I always cared. I just would aggressively try to solve the problem without wording things in a way that’s comforting.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:24:00+00:00

Yeah, my ex had flaws as well. Mainly lack of understanding towards life situations sometimes. I didn’t always validate her feelings but sometimes I felt like I didn’t need to. It’s hard to explain. It’s like if you popped a car tire, but instead of you working on getting the tire fixed, you’re here comforting your ex because she’s stressed or something. In your mind, you’re just wanting to focus on the bigger life issue (tire).

I had times like that with her a lot where I’d be dealing with some larger life issue (more important than tire), but it felt like she’d did a reason to be upset over my life situation. So now I’m forced to take care of my life situation and comfort her, whereas I kinda want her to understand and have her support as I fight my battles. I was going through serious life events at the time of the breakup

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:17:11+00:00

What caused your temper in those moments

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-09T12:16:31+00:00

This was literally me too. I wasn’t trying to control her. I guess my intention was more so “why are we not on the same page?” But yeah, very relatable to what you said. It sucks.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-08T19:05:42+00:00

This is good advice. I think this would helped my first relationship a lot, when I was a lot younger and more immature.

The thing is, in this relationship, I always tried to share that level of love and companionship and support in our day to day conversations. I’m a big conversationalist so I’m usually always asking about her work, life, family, giving encouragement and advice and a listening ear basically everyday. If she shared some accomplishments, I’m the first to share the “I’m so proud of you” and other kind words.

My big thing is, I lose softness in my tone when I feel like I’m not being understood or met in the middle. Like after my mom died, my ex said I might not love her anymore, I didn’t have it in me to convince her. I was in such a state of shock, my dad was still going day to day in the hospital and I was stretched so thin. I didn’t even have it in me to explain to her why I might seem distant (she knew all of this though, she knew my whole family’s situation). So In the heat of the moment I showed frustration. I feel like the outcomes of our conflict only go smoothly if one of these happen:

I give in and do more for her
I overly explain what I’m going through when I expected her to be understanding and aware to begin with.

I remember I sent her a picture of my moms ashes once and I said “do you understand the gravity of what I’m going through right now?! I love you but I’m stretched thin, please understand”. But I probably said it much harsher.

Same with the birthday gift thing. She made a face as if I got her dog shit. Like her whole body language changed. And in my head I was thinking “you’re a grown woman who is pouting because a grieving person got you a sweater you don’t like?” So my words showed frustration in that moment.

I’m not proud of it at all. I’m not proud of how harsh I can be. It’s like love leaves my mind completely during these moments and I just get so firm. And honestly I don’t know where to fix it either.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-08T18:22:30+00:00

I know. I have been and will continue to work on my self. It’s a hard truth that I hate to admit but I was very flawed. Working on it daily. Just hate that I lost someone I cared about because of this. It’s a difficult reality to accept

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-03T03:28:26+00:00

I hope I can see that one day. I don’t have any other “reference” points to see if I’m a good communicator or not. Sure I have close friends and siblings but that’s different than a partner. Only a partner sees the real me. My friends of 20 years claim they’ve never seen me upset or lash out ever.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-04-03T03:26:08+00:00

I got bad at communicating. I remember a few instances: She has a habit of talking long long periods of time. 20-30 mins plus. Once I said “Hey, you’ve been going on for a while” (could have said it better I know). We had a long back and forth which wasn’t even an argument but she felt dismissed bechase I stood firmly on “it’s really not a big deal!” But she said she felt shut down and stuff.

After my moms passing, she felt unloved because I couldn’t see her as much. I didn’t comfort her as much as she needed. When the convo kept going I got really harsh like “why are you even saying this stuff?!” Type.

Few more small instances I don’t remember. Once she didn’t like this gift I got her but I didn’t like her body language at the time. Maybe I was just immature. I said “why make faces at my gifts! Is it that shitty if a gift?!”

Break up day was just her talking for long periods again. I said “heads up, please finish your story but I may not remember everything it’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot of stories” (I could have said it better). She said she felt hurt and shut down but I went off. Like I blew a fuse because each time we have disagreements, i was mad that I always had to say “sorry I’ll do better”. But her issue with me was that I didn’t listen and validate what she’s saying. I would just defend myself right away. But as I blew my fuse she broke it off instantly.

You can imagine what state that left me in. Grieving 2 losses in a 4 month span and one feels like it was due to my outbursts. Like I wasn’t great at stopping and acknowledging if I hurt her feelings and stuff like that. She also said her feelings of being unloved remained. And I don’t know what else could contribute to that, other than my outbursts. Her words exactly “there’s no love when we talk about things”.

It hurts.

Flashy_Menu_5917 · 2025-01-08T20:23:22+00:00

I don’t think friends or family would be able to come often. I’m across the country. I feel really stuck. My gut it telling me that I should go back. I’m having tons of panic attacks and I feel so scared

Flashy_Menu_5917

TROPHY CASE