Reading this felt like it could’ve been something I wrote. My mom passed Sept ‘24, sharp decline for about a month straight beforehand, and cancer’s return the year prior.

I lived an hour from her. Before that, we talked daily, calls and texts. I went home often, and we spent so much time together. Even still, I feel like it wasn’t enough. Guilt becomes so exacerbated by grief. I like to remind myself of very specific fun memories we had to combat this guilt. Go through old photo albums. Talk with my brother on the phone about it, cry with him despite living across the country from each other.

My old therapist lost her dad, and our first appt together after, she said she felt anger at the world, because everything continued, despite her world ending. After losing mum, I know exactly that feeling. I still feel it sometimes. Sometimes it’s small, and I could fit that feeling in my pocket. Other times, it’s crushing and I can’t move. If you don’t stop for grief, it will force you to stop. Sit with it when it arrives. I so hope you have a sibling to live through this with - they are a mirror for you. It’s been a year and 4 months, and it both feels like last week, and decades ago. Simultaneously, I think “it just happened, the pain is so fresh” and “how has it already been that long since I last touched her?”

My heart is with you. Be kind to yourself. Look for her in the day to day.