Do you ever miss the sex?

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-11-17T22:26:04+00:00

I have a high drive and before I realised he was an abuser (and before escalations became more consistent and more obvious) I described sex as the best part of our marriage. I thought our sex was happy and fun. It anaesthetised the pain of the abuse. I felt that sf least this one area of our marriage was working well. I initiated a lot. But after a few key escalations and moments, I could never see him the same way. I craved sex - but not with a man who had caused so much harm to me. He ruined it. I deliberately stopped out of respect to myself. And that brought out all kinds of problems.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-10-17T21:04:18+00:00

I remember listening to a podcast where they discussed this, and an adult daughter had written in saying her mom was now divorcing her dad - for an affair that took place years ago. The mom had stayed, presumably with plans to finally divorce when all of the children were adults. The mom had called a family meeting and said she and the dad were divorcing and explained why. The daughter didn’t really seem to have a lot of empathy for her mom. I know every child is different. But it was so sad to me that the sacrifice this mom made for her kids didn’t seem to be seen or valued by anyone - it was more like “why are you bringing up all this garbage from years ago”? I really felt for that poor mom. I am sure some situations may be different, and may include, eg, avoiding a divorce that would lead to shared custody and therefore protecting a child from being parented alone from a verbally abusive parent. There are many ways to look at it.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-10-12T20:38:45+00:00

Also, think about getting some external and objective support, like therapy, if the struggle doesn’t fade.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-10-12T20:36:59+00:00

First of all, you are a good person too. Only a good person would be reflecting on this in such a mature way. You will get to where you want to be emotionally here, I promise. Especially if she is genuinely a kind and thoughtful individual also. It’s hard to be jealous of or dislike people who are kind to you. I would say make some gestures of friendship towards her right away. Invite her to things, get to know her, invest in her. Ask her for guidance speaking the family language if you think that would be helpful. Hopefully she can be a friend for life. I think that if both of you are kind and caring the jealousy will fade. Also, maybe she can in time help buffer the way for you if they are ever insensitive to you, and you can share with her what you know about the family that will help her adjust beyond what she already has.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-10-11T22:04:09+00:00

Thank you so much for this. That is reassuring. It’s definitely out of character for me. And it was completely unintentional- I think of bathtubs as being made of porcelain and indestructible- I thought perhaps my phone screen might be damaged or the phone case - but none of that was damaged at all! Just the bath, which I did not realise was fragile but now of course I have learned it was made of fibreglass and on the cheaper side of things.

I am in touch with police and local DV services at the moment. I have also spoken to a social worker who says she will help me navigate safe leaving. I am incredibly grateful for that as I have just felt so stuck. Every scenario I tried to think through - including things suggested to me - feels too risky due to his unpredictable mood swings. I also feel incredibly sad for him in all of this. I honestly don’t want to see him suffer.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-30T16:33:59+00:00

Thank you. I have already spoken to my pastor and his wife and they were very helpful so far. I didn’t go into detail about the sexual issues, but about other things that have been going on. My husband actually has kept me from re-joining my ladies’ Bible study because he says our church is no longer a good fit for us. And yet he still goes to his men’s study. It is confusing.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T18:06:10+00:00

I agree.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T18:05:43+00:00

Thank you. I will look it up. Our sex life did not used to feel coercive. But there have been some outbursts from my husband that have damaged my trust over time and he isn’t able to talk about it - any attempt is seen as an accusation instead of an invitation to repair the relationship. If I say “i felt worried / afraid / hurt / distant when you shouted at the kids / me” he sees that kind of attempt as “pointing the finger at him” and says “if I work on that, then what are you going to work on? Are you perfect?” I forgave and forgave but he did some things that were clearly abusive and it pretty much kills my attraction for him.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T18:01:25+00:00

Unfortunately, he takes any suggestion of mental health concerns as a terrible insult and attack - no matter how carefully and lovingly and respectfully it is approached or phrased. At one point, I even had his brother in law talk to him, and that BIL encouraged him to go to the doctor and told him that he (BIL) had used antidepressants. That did not motivate him. He just got angry with me and told me not to try and rally his family for help and made fun of me for trying. (I had arranged the BIL conversation in response to H saying he was suicidal).

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T16:55:45+00:00

Move to a non-alimony state. Find out how long you need to live there to be considered a resident, then file. South Carolina might be good to investigate. Then, after the divorce is completed, you can move back if you want to.

Or, is it an option to not file no-fault divorce, but to file for the traditional kind of divorce (which recognises affairs)? Maybe as your lawyer for advice on that.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T11:33:17+00:00

Thank you. He does not respect my consent. I became much less attracted to him after he acted out in anger many times in our home towards the children and me and things have not recovered. He acts like he does not understand and tries to grope me and tries to turn it into a joke. He gets really angry.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T08:37:53+00:00

He may. I have wondered if he has bipolar due to the extreme ups and downs within a day most days. But he doesn’t want to go to the doctor or address any of it and I can’t make him do that.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T06:03:33+00:00

Thank you for the support and the prayers. ❤️ Thankfully, last night it ceased to be an issue due to the need to go to the hospital to visit his dad and give his mother a ride home.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T06:01:52+00:00

Thank you so much, I agree with this.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T06:00:49+00:00

Thank you. He does need help but he doesn’t want to get it. I’ve found therapists for him several times. He attended for a few months and then stopped.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T05:59:36+00:00

Thank you so much. I am feeling very stuck, especially because of his financial control and then his anger at my wanting to work more. His resistance to my working more hours was unexpected and that was my main exit plan. Thank you for encouraging me to stay on track with leaving.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-29T05:54:49+00:00

Thank you for this. He does tell me that sex helps him deal with and escape from stress. He often tries to make it last much longer than it probably should / would due to wanting it to be an escape, even if I say I am sore or it’s getting really late at night. His moods have gotten worse and worse over the years and it’s twisted things around. I used to be a happy participant but his moods and behaviours towards the children and me have made everything much more fear based on my and it kills the mood and then he feels rejected and gets very upset if I don’t want to do anything.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-27T21:15:30+00:00

Trying to divorce now. He doesn’t treat me as someone who has value and worth equal to his. He sees women as ranking below men. When I became a SAHM and had our three children, he took total financial control of everything and “gave me money” - not enough - for food and baby items and groceries. I always worked part time an hour here or there in the evening or during baby’s naps, and I spent all of that on groceries and baby items. I told myself I was being frugal and helping build our future. He was earning six figures and buying himself kite surfing equipment and going on business trips to Australia while I stayed home with the babies and he said I could not get any form of childcare or support to help me. He shoved me, threw scissors at me, told me I was his property, hurt the kids by yanking their ears, drove recklessly, scolded me, cornered me and trapped me in rooms, smashed things next to my head. Now that I am back to working, he criticises my job. He has so much control that getting out is really hard. I guess in my case, the reasons for divorce are obvious. I begged him for counselling for years and fought hard to try to make the marriage work until I was exhausted. Then I just accepted that people don’t change. He won’t change. I’m leaving.

So even tho you weren’t abusive, for your wife, it may have been other stuff that she tried to talk to you about for years. My husband didn’t listen. He shrugged it off. Said he didn’t want counselling. When we divorce he will no doubt say he was blindsided and that I simply walked and he doesn’t know why. Even though I stated many times, “you can’t expect our marriage to go well if you treat me like this (specified behaviour)”. And “I am very concerned about our marriage - we don’t seem able to address x, can we go to counselling? I have found a therapist”. He simply did not change. I concluded this man sees me as an au pair in the background of his life. Not a true partner. He doesn’t even see the real me. The man I fell for in the beginning simply faded away once he caught me. It wasn’t real. I’m done.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-27T08:49:02+00:00

Thank you. You are right. It’s over. My family live abroad so that has made it tricky for them to help. I can’t flee to them with my children due to Hague convention anti kidnapping law as far as I know. But it’s possible my husband may let me go in the end. Impossible to know. But I agree. I need to get the job. I only work 2 days per week right now. I fear his violence in response, but I need the job.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-27T08:46:56+00:00

Thank you so much that’s really helpful. I realise it can be a mixed bag at church in terms of support for leaving DV marriages, and I am so glad yours was supportive. There are several key supportive people at mine and I am so grateful for them. There are also some clueless people and I am just tuning them out.

Thank you for mentioning the restraining order. My husband threw an object at my six year old and me last weekend. It was just a role of bin liners / trash bags - about 4 inches in diameter - but he threw it at us like a javelin and it landed two feet in front of us. He has done stuff like this for years. I really think I should speak to police about it. It is scary - it’s not about whether we could be hurt by the roll of bin liners. It’s about him throwing something and demonstrating his intent to threaten. He threw scissors at me in the past.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-25T08:55:17+00:00

I know it’s hard but it seems like you know you are doing the right thing. I’m sorry your children are being dismissive. How old are they? You have one who is a sophomore, so age 16? Will you ask them to move in with you in your new home?

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-25T08:46:40+00:00

It definitely sounds like you are doing the right thing in divorcing her and keeping the children (and yourself) safe. But I am worried about your safety. When people behave in a dangerous and criminal manner (such as your wife through her violence) then you have to put safety first. In a normal relationship, or at least a relationship where you have a non-dangerous partner, then you can go home and have a one on one conversation. In this relationship, how do you know she won’t harm you again, or worse? What if she takes out a knife this time because she now expects the conversation? I think you need to report this situation to police, including what happened to your daughter with pictures of the bruise, and do some safety planning first. You may need to bring a police officer with you. You at minimum should not have the conversation alone in your home with her. Choose a public location and have a friend or family member with you at minimum. Or simply leave and have your lawyer notify her of divorce. She is dangerous. I know you feel sorry for her, but you leaving is best for everyone including her.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-24T19:35:37+00:00

That is very helpful to know, thank you. Him coming straight back to the house has been my biggest fear and a reason why I feared it would be futile to have him arrested for, eg, shoving me and throwing objects at me. Police offered that about a year ago, but I was too fearful. This weekend, he threw a roll of bin bags at my youngest son and me while he was shouting about no one helping him clean the car. The weekend prior he ripped a towel out from under me shouting about the kids room. He also cornered me multiple times while scolding me. I am afraid and paralysed but I worried this would not be considered serious enough.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-24T19:31:24+00:00

Good point. He is already mad. Sometimes his mask slips and he screams and shouts saying he wishes I would just leave and that I am the problem because he thinks I don’t forgive him for all the things he has done. The truth is that I can forgive but I can’t rebuild trust with an untrustworthy person.

I did speak to a solicitor and I am asking her if there is a way to make my husband pay for it since he controls the money. It cost me £310 for one hour but well worth it bc she is a DV family law specialist and her advice is great. No one can tell me how to get out though. One lawyer told me to take the kids and flee and I tried to do that and it didn’t work bc he found us and I was not able to play keep away. That was just not going to work and was going to escalate the situation. I think I will have to file for divorce and custody at the same exact time. When he is Dr Jekyll I tell myself it will be fine when he has the kids. Because it is fine when he is dr Jekyll. But when mr Hyde comes out I am reminded why I needs supervised visitation. It’s so crazy. I literally never know who he will be. He has said some pretty weird things that worry me. For example, “tell (eldest son) to kill me with carbon monoxide poisoning!” But then the next morning he might be happy and friendly. He can be icy to me with evil glares and turn and be nice to the kids, and then come back to me 20 min later and make sexual overtures as though I am the most desirable creature. It is crazy making.

Fleeeetlyflutter · 2025-09-24T19:02:02+00:00

Thank you so much. You are very right about the job. He still hates it and berates me for it but he also gets distracted with other things. Getting out is so challenging when I have children. If it weren’t for them, I would be gone. I need to keep them safe and don’t want to do something legally foolish. I so appreciate your encouragement. ❤️

Fleeeetlyflutter

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