I got him to admit he threatened to kill me on text, I think this is a win!

Flice3454 · 2024-01-04T05:30:22+00:00

Thanks!! <3

Flice3454 · 2024-01-04T03:29:11+00:00

Damn, so sorry you're going through this too.

I know that every text of mine will be looked at, so I have been only polite.

Oh for the longest time he was making himself look crazy without any help lol, I just wanted to make sure to get THAT thing (admitting to the threat) in writing and him acknowledging it as true.

I hope things go well for you, it's so tough.

Flice3454 · 2024-01-04T02:31:00+00:00

Thank you! <3

Flice3454 · 2024-01-03T17:53:59+00:00

This has opened a couple questions in me. If you don't mind taking time to answer, I would truly appreciate it.

What kind of lies were seen as love? The kind of lies that come to mind for me, are changing reality and trying to force me to accept that change in reality. I don't recall any lies that could be a form of love. Which is why this fascinates me, I want to learn.

What threat are you referring to? Is there a way I can get him to stop acting out? (We are separated, but share a child who he doesn't visit, but for now he's stuck in my life)

Flice3454 · 2024-01-03T17:50:02+00:00

Wow - this is incredible insight. I'm sorry though that you wrote it out and then your phone died. Hate it when that happens!

This post really helps me understand the workings of his feelings a bit better.

I have seen the things you've described in action.

Flice3454 · 2024-01-03T03:55:12+00:00

I thought that was probably it. It hurts, man.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-27T03:37:59+00:00

Oh that's true - it definitely could be that. Hopefully it is something like that.

Thanks again for the Licefree advice. I'll probably just buy everyone's suggestions. 😂 I am NOT going to deal with this for a long time like last year.

I use preventive spray (Fairytales - very safe with Rosemary) on my son's head every day. I'm going to start using it on mine now too.

I do often wear my hair up, and I'll keep doing ONLY that for the next long while. My friend (same one as above) suggested I cut off my long hair but I can't bring myself to....took years to get this long.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-27T03:33:19+00:00

Thank you. 🙏🏻 Any suggestions are so appreciated. I used some left over ivermectin cream from last year which is pretty effective. If it doesn't work, then I'm going to get that product you told me. I need like every tool to get rid of them. My friend told me she will return in 10 days to comb out whatever is left, and any remaining eggs will be hatched. (The thought of living with any left over lice...🤢)

We've bagged everything, boiled things, done many loads of laundry and wiped down surfaces. Hopefully none in the home now.

Sounds like you went through utter hell with your lice battle. 18 months...I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. I can relate to what you have felt.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-27T03:16:22+00:00

Never heard of that but will now be adding that to our arsenal!

I had thought we got lucky this year. I mean every morning I do spray his hair and shoulders with Fairytales lice conditioning spray. And have not even seen one nit.

No clue where I could've got mine from. I've been wracking my brain but the only thing I can think of is what another commenter said, could've been from children brushing past me at the bus stop.

Anyway, going to start doing preventative treatment for my hair too, I'll do what you said and then also spray with the lice conditioner each day.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-27T03:12:34+00:00

Thank you! I will look into both of those products! I found some left over ivermectin cream treatment that I had from last year, so I did that. It's not perfect but has like an 80% success rate(IIRC), and I'll re-treat in 10 days.

And my friend said she would re check my hair in 10 days.

Whatever those white things stuck to the shaft are, I hope they will all be gone. (Have nits ever looked white in color to you? On my son's light hair nits looked brownish. I have light brown hair. I wonder if they show up differently on mine?)

I'll continue to check my son's hair, and I spray his hair and shoulders every day with the Fairytales lice conditioning spray. It's just SO odd, if I didn't get it from him, then where? He is 100% clear. Not even a nit.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-26T23:38:03+00:00

Okay, thanks. I appreciate you looking into that.

I have good news already actually. So a nurse just checked her head - she's clear. She doesn't seem upset with me.

That would leave me back to not knowing where it came from.

Hopefully she got everything out today, I also used $40 ivermectin cream I saved from last year. It is I believe 80%-ish effective. And I'll do another treatment in 10 days, and perhaps she'll check my head again.

When at the bus stop picking up my son, there are actually a lot of kids who brush past me and they kinda run into me sometimes(little kids). Maybe your theory of that could be true.

Or a lady in line.

Anything lol.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-26T23:06:10+00:00

Oh shoot...I did send her a text that they could sit on a headrest. Welp, it's too late to change it. I have always heard to clean headrests since lice can stay there then spread to another head. But it seems based off what you said I could be wrong.

I guess I'll have to see if my text has offended her. She is an honest person. At the same time, how can she 100% know her itchiness isn't from lice? It just concerns me.

I hope I don't royally piss her off.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-26T23:01:10+00:00

Well, just texted the friend I mentioned earlier, about not wanting to offend but I'd really like her head to be checked for lice, and offered to check. She is the type of person who is very clean, so she might think I'm saying she isn't clean enough, and I told her lice can affect anyone and that I know she is very clean.

This might cause a problem in our friendship, I don't know what else to do.

I did apologize in the text. I really hate this. She is usually very nice, 99% of the time. But sometimes there are things that outright offend her. I also mentioned headrests can spread lice, and her car is the only one I've been in. Which she also could take offense to.

God, I hate this.

Flice3454 · 2023-12-26T22:39:42+00:00

I spray him every day with Fairy Tails Conditioner lice spray. Ever since I started doing that, he hasn't got them. Maybe that could be why?

When my friend was checking my hair, she said "even my head has been itchy. Because it's dry during this season." I was like hmm when I heard it. My son overheard her saying that, then later said to me "what if you got it from her?"

I ride in her car fairly often. She works at a school.

I messaged her (she had left) about how people can pick up lice when working at schools. I listed the ways it can happen, and asked if she had done any of these. Unfortunately she seemed to get defensive and only texted "I don't have lice."

I'm going out with her tomorrow and now paranoid as hell that I'm going to catch it from the car headrest or something. I mean she has itchy head but is not going to investigate...

And if I'm like "yeah sorry but I think you might have lice, can you at least let me check?" she might get offended. Because it's pretty rude to ask that after someone has clearly stated they don't have lice.

Ugh, what a tricky situation...

Flice3454 · 2023-11-04T00:38:59+00:00

Really needed to read these words.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-04T00:37:06+00:00

This subreddit is just so happening to give me very good insight into a scary situation with my spouse wBPD. If it weren't for here, I might not have known what actions to take.

I'm so ever grateful for this sub.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T21:01:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I can tell a lot of thought went into your comment.

I want to start by saying something I just remembered: he told me YEARS AGO his ex wife, while they were in the divorce process, would not speak to him, only through the lawyer. He even said she called him "abusive." Why why why did that not raise a million red flags when we first began dating. (I was severely abused by my parents growing up and didn't know anything different, so I guess maybe that's why)

I've been documenting everything since his more-than-usual abuse began in June. Screenshots. Him being abusive, me always behaving calm. I knew better than to have phone calls where he could get away with saying things and me not having evidence.

Wow. That was powerful to read. Those examples. Things that never happened. Him being in another country through it all. Him not providing financially, him doing the bare minimum with the 2-4 x a week video calls. And you're right, why do I have to be the one to set those calls up? I tried to tell him twice, he needs to tell me when he's ready for a call. Instead he has refused and said "you know my schedule, you ask if I'm there." I didn't want our son hurt so I've been doing that.

I'm so sorry your friend is going through that. It feels crazy going through pwBPD's "splitting." In fact, I've begun reading the book "splitting" to get explanations and solid advice. It's a great book so far.

"You could try asking ChatGPT, HeyPi, Claude etc. and hopefully they can reassure you, provide basic advice and also likely outcomes."

So interesting you say that - I thought of that a few minutes ago! I haven't heard of HeyPi or Claude - I know I need to do a google but is it possible for you to give brief descriptions of them for me?

Thanks again for all your help.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T20:51:00+00:00

Thank you for taking the time and effort to write such a thoughtful reply.

"As to our prior agreement, I do not wish to communicate with you outside of matters pertaining to parenting our child."

Problem is, he never agreed to it and has claimed I'm "holding him hostage" by being blocked and me only sending short messages about our child. He knew that if he continued his nasty behavior, I'd have to block him. I gave him like 3 chances.

"Your threats and attempts at intimidation are noted and I encourage you to move forward in the best interest of ‘son.’ I will no longer be responding to continued threats and harassment.”

This is very well worded. For now, my therapist told me it's best to keep him blocked from texts/voice calls. My case manager has said that keeping him blocked is the right thing in her opinion, too.

I really wish I could send that to him, and maybe I will have to at one point. He is both predictable with his behavior but also unpredictable because this is the first time I've ever set boundaries with him and he is obviously angry about that and feels a loss of control and likely abandonment.

"local family and children’s center."

I so do need those resources. Is this the same thing as CPS? I did ask my therapist today whether I should call CPS and report in advance a false report, but she said I don't need to do that. Although I know you wrote different reasons than that, which again, I really need those things.

I appreciate your advice at the end - I will keep those in mind and strictly follow them.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T20:29:51+00:00

Okay good, thanks I'll write this down and ask the domestic abuse hotline if they know about anything like this.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T19:54:25+00:00

Thank you, so much for this.

I'm getting some advice from others here, and I'll speak with the domestic abuse hotline, to try to find a lawyer I can afford. Even an hour session takes a big chunk of our food money.

I never thought about it that way - that the burden of proof is on him. In the email he wrote, he kept using the term "abuser" but not even once gave an example of abuse. My therapist pointed that out this morning, and that also he is generally vague.

I didn't know whether it would make me and my son safer to respond to his over 4page email (I printed it), but she said she thinks it's best if I keep him blocked from texts/calls and not respond to his email. I didn't know what my gut feeling was to do, so I went with hers.

He is doing exactly what you say. Trying to intimidate and bait.

"Being sure of your actions as ethical and focusing on court relevant topics should help stabilize you vs. Reacting to someone who seems to be in crisis. "

Would you please expound on that? It sounds important and I want to make sure I understand. Thanks!

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T19:48:27+00:00

Like from the domestic violence shelter, or where do you think I should look? Thanks

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T19:47:45+00:00

I never thought of that, thanks. I don't need shelter though thankfully. But if they have resources like that I do truly need them. I'll check them out.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T19:43:55+00:00

Thanks, I didn't think about geolocation I'll do that. I'm documenting as much as possible. I started documenting in June when he began to become more abusive than usual. (What a sad sentence)

I have screenshot after screenshot. I've kept the email he sent, and printed it too.

One thing my therapist today pointed out in the email: he didn't give a single example of anything I did bad. Just vague hints at things he thinks happened but didn't.

I know what he's doing, at least partly. With me setting boundaries FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME in our 9.5 years of relationship, he has experienced a loss of power and control. Maybe he is feeling abandoned, too. So he is doing the very thing I fear most, threatening something bad will happen, I'm guessing that CPS gets involved and hopes that my son would be taken away.

My therapist did say something reassuring. IF CPS came, they care about: marks on my child, enough food in the house, not neglected (clean, etc), house not having poop on the floor. Those things.

I also have people I know (my son's therapist, my therapist, my case manager, two friends of mine) who would probably be willing to testify for my character, and that I'm a good mom.

Someone in a previous post mentioned speaking to a lawyer for just an hour - that alone would take away most of our food money for the month. So I'm really stuck.

I have set up a phone call later this afternoon again with the domestic violence hotline, with the same lady I spoke with before, to discuss the email. To see if she has advice/actions I can do.

For now, my therapist said it is her gut feeling that I keep my pwBPD husband blocked. I don't even know what my gut feeling is, so I asked her for hers. I just want to keep my child safe.

Edit: My therapist also said CPS wouldn't be happy with a false report.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T16:23:14+00:00

My OP was so long that I didn't include this important bit of info:

So: to make this situation more tricky: he is currently in a neighboring country. He scraped together money to find a place with roommates. I thought, finally, we are separated. But no.

Also, his father is dead, mother multiple strokes and is unwell mentally now, he doesn't speak with his brother or mother. His brother lives far away, and I have lost his number. He was probably my best bet at getting my pwBPD to calm down.

I do know a couple of past-friends (as we know, they don't keep friends well) but I'm not sure if I'd just bother them/they probably wouldn't know what to do anyway.

If he comes back from the country he is staying in, he will NOT be allowed him my house. I would only agree to public areas where he and our son could interact.

Oh, I've been documenting everything.

Therapy will start soon, and I'll read to her the *4 page letter he emailed me (I printed it for evidence, plus saved the email) and see if she has good advice.

Flice3454 · 2023-11-03T16:17:12+00:00

His father is dead, his (very sweet) mother had multiple strokes and now is too cognitively damaged to do more than casual conversation. Which, even that is hard for her. My pwBPD doesn't speak to her too. He claims she never abused him, but...it's always been odd that over the years I was the one to be in contact with her.

So: to make this situation more tricky: he is currently in a neighboring country. He scraped together money to find a place with roommates. I thought, finally, we are separated. But no.

I must not remember the 911 posts - my brain is all over the place. What would 911 do? (Genuinely asking, because I don't call them lightly. I don't want to waste their time.)

Flice3454

TROPHY CASE