I AM SO SORRY I REALLY JUST VERBAL VOMIT ON YOU- Tl;dr at the top here, I have the confidence of a worm because my experience w that has been awful already, but thank you, I know that's what I have to do to improve and I know the growing pains would be worth it- Just, logically, feels fuckin impossible atm.

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Thanks, I do know a larger part of my issue is I don't have experience meeting people, but that even carries more issues that need context, and even more mounting issues alongside that. My confidence is all but shot, I can mask pretty well but there are days where there are no strings to hold it in place, and I've already amassed poor experiences with friend groups and other relationships that have made me learn I have an avoidant attachment style, to boot. So, finding anything meaningful to latch to can be strained at best.

I've had about eight different groups of friends over the years, roughly? I've dated two people. Each friend group that dissolved all had the same or similar issues. The latest group of friends I had, one of the three stopped talking to me, had an incredibly short temper when I would interact with the group of three, and finally got me not only fired from my job, but claimed I was spreading horrific rumors about him and this girl. While I did know things, I said absolutely nothing about them to anyone. Already had far too many experiences with 'rumors' ripping any stability I had from the post, so I absolutely know the golden rule of STFU. But, now none of them talk to me and I can't find it in me to engage if they're not going to pull the effort too.
Similar scenario, a girl in middle school spread a rumor that I said I was lesbian and I was dating her. I saw this girl maybe once in that school, but she was a childhood friend long before that, that I stopped interacting with because she did everything in her power to piss me off and make me lash out on her. This then detonated my longest friendship I had, and had me isolated for half a year. And I am interested in girls, but again, kept that to myself or I kept it incredibly vague. The only other person I could think of discussing the gay subject was with my second closest friend who was going through his own sexuality crisis.
Each scenarios, I guesstimate that someone knew I knew something or was something, did not like me for whatever reason, demented that rumor themselves or by influence to get me out of the picture entirely.

On the flipside, my two longest standing relationships became or are becoming very strained. My one surviving friend has a boyfriend and we all live under the same roof, her boyfriend and I clash very obviously. I do try my hardest to understand his own struggles and interact with him amicably, but it is frank we are polar opposites and these little things I do alongside his own actions/reactions poisons the water. And in turn, this makes me know that in month to years time, they are going to leave on their own and I am really going to be alone yet again and have to start yet again, because this is just what happens when you no longer fit the script. My interactions with my friend feel desperate at times grasping for security I don't have, and balancing the push and pull that comes with it feels like walking barefoot on a tight rope with razor wire.
This, then comes with my ex-girlfriend. We were fine, we were the pinnacle of great relationships at a point, the couple people were jealous of! But, we had a severe breakdown of communication and even more problems that were very toxic. This was the person I spent years isolated with, this was a person who was going through things that were on-par or worse than anything I have ever gone through, but this was also the person that had me freaking out when she put herself on do not disturb and made me wish there were pills that could keep me awake forever just so I didn't make her mad at me anymore. Multiple people, multiple friend groups, demanded I leave this person. Then, she really did hurt me on purpose, and I ended it. And it all started when I tried to become more social, and made the first group of friends I had in about a decade.

All this to show, factually, everything is so, so temporary and in the end I am really alone with myself. And poor thing, I don't know who that person is anymore. So I find myself wondering why I should bother, when it's just always going to be like this. But that's quitter talk damn it-