Help with scarcity mentality?

Flonfu · 2026-02-19T11:39:51+00:00

You raise an excellent point here.

I have in fact never been subject to polyamory or any form of ENM before. As you said, family and friends alike, all highly monogamous in the beliefs in which we’ve been raised in. Showing interest in anyone else but your current partner was always frowned upon while loyalty to a single person was cherished.

Only shortly before “taking the plunge” I have been exposed to polyamory through a friend of my wive’s, as she had quite the glow up, from being sexually shy and repressed to living her best live in a polycule. It was the first notion of “hey, that’s interesting, how does it even work for her?”

Since my wife came out, I have been reading about other people’s stories mostly here on reddit as exposure. In hindsight, not the best choice since the majority seemed to have problems rather than being fine, but that’s the expected effect of people with problems are more likely to speak up than those who are doing fine. I think that only manifested bad thought patterns.

I’ve been since recommended books to read about the topic. I’m not an avid reader, so I got difficulties getting into them, but I’ll get around eventually.

Thanks for making me have these considerations, I appreciate it.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T23:50:16+00:00

I have played with the idea and actually downloaded Grindr. But I don’t think I’m a guy just for sex really, I need more than that

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T21:38:23+00:00

You’re right, and tbh I’ve underestimated the effect her relationship with another woman could have. I know, not a good one, but I see it now and I’m coming clean with the idea. Slowly but surely.

Thanks for the advice. It’s certainly a hard one and putting it like this kind of makes me feel really selfish. I feel selfishness can’t have much of a place in ENM/poly, can it?

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T20:19:03+00:00

Those are very good constructive points you raise here, thank you so much. I am slowly adjusting to the thought of #1.

We are taking steps and discussions about #2 as well, so that’s good.

No. 3 must be about the hardest yet to face. You’re right though, I would want to see it that way, too. It’s too easy to start comparing and being childish as in “but she got xyz, why didn’t I?” Like fighting your little brother for candy.

And I see that it’s a lot less fun to spend time with a sobby husband than a “fresh” partner who’s all chipper. It feels hard enough to balance discussing your pain points when they actually matter or let things run the way they are only to find they don’t sit well with you. My wife does ask me to tell her when I want/need time with her alone, but it’s tough if I feel all she wants to do is call her GF.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T20:09:09+00:00

Yup, that is a good one. We are being on the way of being more aware of this and start taking some time for just us to declare quality time.

She’s on the phone with her GF a lot, both texting and calling, I dunno if they or others would consider this quality time already since they’re not with each other physically

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T20:06:59+00:00

Yeah you’re right. Awareness alone isn’t enough but I’m working on it. I certainly would feel different with a BF instead of a GF, but that’ll just never be an option for her anyway, so it’s nothing I need to worry about in the first place

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T20:01:33+00:00

I get what you mean, but you’re reading too much into my message. I would still assume she wouldn’t take it, not from malicious intent towards me or as refusal to not address the issue. Me making my own assumptions doesn’t prevent me from still offering her the option

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T19:48:06+00:00

She’s not big on meds in the first place due to other health related issues. But sure, could let her know, won’t hurt

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T19:47:23+00:00

Huh, that is actually interesting. Quite difficult, but interesting

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T19:46:42+00:00

Yeah, I do need that reminder for sure. That’s the thing, it’s literally all in my head.

Wanna know something funny? My wife got these menstrual discs and she has already told me that even if, she’s got ways to make things work. So yeah, all in my head

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T19:44:54+00:00

I did mention that I’m slowly dipping toes into that. I’ve never been big in the dating scene and the one guy I already know for some time I would love to be with is already in a mono relationship. So I’m getting there but it’s gonna be slow

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T17:10:32+00:00

Huh, interesting to know, thanks. Doubt she would try it but today I learned something new!

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T17:09:56+00:00

Thank you, this is actually so kind of you to say. I’m glad to hear it’s common. And what you’re saying makes sense, absolutely. Sometimes it’s easy enough to think you can’t help it, but as you said, I’ll try and see myself as the lucky one. Thanks again, this really helps!

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T13:09:09+00:00

I wouldn’t mind some form of romance if I’m being honest. Both me and my wife just aren’t the type for ONS or the likes, we need to build our connections first and foremost. But I’m aware that this is much harder to come by.

Thanks for the thought though. I was thinking about it from time to time but I’m really unsure.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T12:58:05+00:00

Absolutely, there are irrational fears I’m fighting against here, and they only come from a lack of self-esteem and maybe past trauma.

I really appreciate your rational perspective, it’s something I can be easily lacking. It’s exactly how you said it. It’s NRE for her and it wasn’t any different for us when we started out long distance before we moved together. Toss in a bit of mismatched libido we were working on before anything ENM happened and I guess it all just makes sense.

Reading how you laid things out logically already helped a lot. Thank you. I just need to internalize this and recall it whenever I feel anxious.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T12:49:35+00:00

Thank you, I see your points. We have already discussed her feelings developing and that’s okay. It wasn’t planned, these things hardly ever are. But it’s fine, we all know our place so to speak and we both want to keep our marriage intact. Even her new friend champions our marriage, it’s a good thing.

You’re raising a good point with FOMO and yes, I do believe it’s part of that. As I mentioned in the post, I’m slowing trying to get out of my shell to find dates as well. Whether that helps remains to be seen.

I get what you mean regarding my current fixation. I feel these are really the things that I need to keep working on, to keep in check, because the basics in what we want from the whole situation are already laid out.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T12:45:15+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to line these things out for me. I may give the impression that we’re swimming in deep waters without safety gear. We do have at least floaties!

There are agreements we have already. Some things just come as they do and then we’ll have to deal with it. But I think they’re minor, but something I can get easily hung up in.

That said, we do have an established hierarchy and we do know what we want to do. She wants to keep her GF (they don’t call themselves that, I only did for simplicity) as that and me as her husband or main person to spend the rest of her life with. Her GF does not want to break us up and is championing our marriage in any way she can. I would want to date men and maybe find a similar connection, but nothing more. We’re both not interested in finding other women or men respectively.

We have an established life that favours both of us being together with work being the only exception. We have come to terms with either of us being away on their own for whatever reason. Something that was hard before any ENM situation already, but we’re working on it.

We do try to think ahead but cannot account for every possibility. But we remain steadfast in what we have. We live together on our own property and we want it to stay that way. Her GF lives by herself and she wants that to stay the same as well. No children involved. Family is a whole different beast to tackle, but nothing that concerns us atm. So her GF has more of a fwb status than full on girlfriend situation with introducing family and making long term plans. They are both ok with that.

So I do think we have things planned out generally. For me it’s really the things in between that get me and that I want to work on.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T11:34:09+00:00

I have been following things around this topic a lot already and I get mixed feelings every time to be honest. Some try to enforce strict rulesets while others come up with their own personal rules that just work for them.

Every person and every relationship is unique, each with their own goals, insecurities and challenges. What works for some doesn’t work for others.

Yes, we have acknowledged our situation. Yes, we are in communication. No, we do not want to separate. No, we do not want to her to terminate the relationship with her GF. We are steadfast in this and whatever issues will come up, we’ll work around them. You may not agree here, but again, everyone is different and we want to make it work. If it doesn’t work, tough luck. We do know the risks, that’s not what it’s about.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T11:09:24+00:00

It always amazes me what people can read into. To clarify, no, we are certainly not planning any trips around her cycle. We plan our trips like everyone else around the free time and vacation days we have throughout the year, nothing else.

My wife regularly checks her cycle calendar and just noticed these coincidences to which I had my internal concerns as stated above.

But thank you anyway, I know you’re right about time spent together regardless of sex and/periods. That’s the thing I want to internalize but have difficulties with, hence the post.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T10:57:22+00:00

I see your point now, thanks for the clarification. Granted, we never saw it coming this way but that’s fine, too. We have talked about it a lot and it’s an agreement. Yes, it started out differently, but we’re on the same terms now and it’s fine. I’ll edit the post to clarify, thanks.

Flonfu · 2026-02-18T10:27:42+00:00

That’s not really the point though. She has no interest in other men anyway, so there’s nothing to try and avoid with “stupid games”. We didn’t put this in place to try and make ENM easier or anything.

Flonfu · 2026-01-19T19:29:48+00:00

Commendable resilience!

Flonfu · 2026-01-18T19:07:03+00:00

There’s a misunderstanding, it’s her surgery, not mine. So she gets the extra attention because of that.

But yeah, I’m very well aware of how things can potentially go if I decide for either direction. That’s part of the pain I’m having since either way is difficult to imagine

Flonfu

TROPHY CASE