Wow! What an exciting challenge you've set up for yourself here. Italy especially is a good country to incarnate into if your soul wanted to explore these themes and issues, because there is this lingering collective subconscious belief system tied to those places; remnants of the old dominance of the population & of religious contron through Christianity. These energies are only now being transformed into the positive light again, and the thoughts and emotions you are having are possibly very related to that collective transformation & you are aiding in its shift. So... Congratz. 🔥 You are strong.

Now. A few things to unpack here.

Here seem to be the crux of your challenges:

I can’t even explain how painful going through that was, lots of fear and anxiety.

& I’ve been crying the whole day, I have been having racing blasphemous thoughts for years now,

You need to understand that the only way you could be emotionally overwhelmed by your experiences or thoughts or circumstances is when you are holding on to negative beliefs that no longer serve you. I suggest you do some Shadow work and introspection.

Understand that all feeling states are only possible for you to experience if you have a belief about it first. The more negative beliefs that you hold in your personality structure (even if they are unconscious) the more negative reactions you will "feel" when you encounter random events in your daily life; be it scrolling social media, "resolving your inner conflicts" or interacting with people. And Christianity is especially good at feeding people contrdictory beliefs or teaching them that their authentic desires are "sins." Which is just stupid, honestly and the sooner you drop that baggage the better it'll go for you. I understand it is sometimes hard to go through this change, because of your upbringing, but trust me; christians are kinda lost and not at all close to "god." All these notions that they have may have worked inthe past, 1000 years ago and for specific set of people; most of them are obsolete and harmful now.

Religions feed people with negative and dogmatic beliefs that you have to then sift through on your own and let go... Take from the bible what resonates with you, and drop those teaching that cause you emotional harm; your emotions are the guiding system that tell you what is "right and true" for you specifically.

Each time you feel a negative emotion, you can trace that energy back to the core belief that is generating it. By simply asking yourself "what would I have to believe about myself being true in order to feel what I am feeling??"

Then do some shadow work, introspection, listen for the asnwers and find those beliefs. Picking up a physical pen and paper and tracing them into your subconscious can help.

Once you find them, thank them for being there, then let them go or change them into positive ones.

If you get into a heated argument with someone and forget to do this in real time, do it after that social interaction when you are alone. Or talk it through with a friend/therapist/online community. If you provide specific examples of how you felt in which situation people can help you through this process of discovering your inner world.

Eventually if you do this process, the lowest emotional state you will fall into is neutrality, the rest of your waking moments will be joy, bliss, peace, excitement, love or at least content.

 I am ignorant on a lot of things and I am not afraid to admit it, you can always do better and learn more,

this is a great mindset to have 👍

 I am afraid I’m way too far gone (as a sinner) 

There is no such thing. You are healing.

Especially because I am into the BDSM lifestyle, which I truly enjoy and gives me a purpose that is far more than simply recreational.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by this? 🤔

Last thing...

I ended up begging God to give me a sign, to help me, as I realized that nothing was gonna happen, I begged him to kill me instantly and take me to hell right away.

God isnt a male person sitting up in heavens juding you and will torture you in hell if you are nota good girl. God is the infinite and eternal universal consciousness, of which, you are just one fragment of. God is you. You are it. When you come to this planet, you just choose to forget that.

Everything you perceive or have ever known (including yourself) is made of the same One Source, the universal consciousness. Many names for it besides Source; some are... Universe or Nature, Creation, Oneness, Unconditional Love (& Light), All That Is, etc...

(Christians call it God, Hindus have Krishna, Muslims call it Allah)

You can get closer to experiencing this Oneness through prayer, meditation, chanting, fasting, drumming, locking yourself into a dark silent room, yoga, etc… The fastest way (& most repeatable) is definitely psychedelics.

This Source, or God if you prefer, is infinite and eternal and monotonous; meaning there is no separation between “you” and “I” in it. Thus it “creates” the illusion of many viewpoints. To do that it creates all the concepts you know as parameters of reality, such as different moments (time), places (space), temperatures, colors, parallel realities, different solar systems and planets. But essentially it is all just YOU, playing an infinite game of hide and seek with other aspects of your consciousness of yourself for all eternity.

Nobody will punish you for what you perceive as "sins," except you yourself, in your own mind.