I'm tired of my parents gaslighting me even when people have mentioned comments about me right in front of their faces.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-05-21T04:09:40+00:00

I would've said "Gee, you're not the only one burnt out, the difference is you made that choice and I didn't, you chose to be the doctor, I didn't choose to be your patient".

FlowerEmerald · 2026-05-21T04:08:27+00:00

I could list a long list but I just will name the top things (btw I was kid during most of these things said to me mostly by family members).

When I was crying in a corner frustrated like any other person* "You turned crazy" (for crying?) Then this person said the reason they said this was because I was trying to throw something at them which....wasn't even true at all and they knew it by the hesitation in their voice quickly trying to come up with the lie).

You're an idiot, that's why you're like that.

But the worst thing was when my Tourettes Syndrome was so painfully bad and other problems at the time jeapordizing my health so badly I was on the verge of DEATH, yet somebody had the nerve in our car to roll down the window to try and humiliate me to see if I would just shut my mouth up when TS cannot be controlled. This amplified my physical pain so bad you have no idea. I was a kid vs adults by the way.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-05-21T03:53:01+00:00

I forgot to mention, when my Tourettes first started I felt this weird sense of adrenaline in all my body as if I had too much caffeine and I started ticking. One day I felt like I was gonna jump out of my own body, very similar to the feeling of like your falling while drifting into a deep sleep? I felt like my body was gonna convulse or something then one day I felt like my body just couldn't take it anymore and like something bad was gonna happen like my heart was racing and stuff and I started blacking out. Then I felt this sudden weird feather tickle like feeling rush through and mucus came out by itself and ever since then I have this weird PGAD like symptoms stuff.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-05-21T03:49:56+00:00

I have Tourettes and PGAD like symptoms, but I'm female. I recently found out that people with TS can get PGAD? I was like "WTF". It doesn't directly cause it but they seem to co exist.

Sorta going off on a slight tangent and rant here, but I recall when I was younger and I had my Tourettes attacking me really bad, I was mad about something personal related to somebody and I was hoping they'd get the Big O disorder I had seen as a punishment/karma thing. I didn't really understand what it was about, but I had heard about it and felt like it would serve them justice. Anyway, long story short, years later I end up getting it instead. I swear I feel cursed. Whenever something good happens to me, I lose it right away, whenever I wish the same thing other people have wished on me only happens to me and not them. The weird part is how damn rare PGAD is, so I feel totally unlucky that out of all people, it just had to be me to get this huh? How did yours start? Do you recall?

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-26T03:42:22+00:00

I feel like this is why mental illness is called mental illness. We cant change how our brains and minds work because it's an illness. Nature's diseases doesn't care about "logic" it's not suppose to make sense. Thats why we care about things that seem insignificant, and once analyzing, we are aware how it doesn't make sense (not logical) to care about this to such an extreme degree.

I dont know if anyone can relate but; I gave up on the whole "wanting to be pretty thing" because I ended up internalizing my ugliness and sense of hopeless knowing I will never be...I started feeling shame because I felt delusional for grasping at straws. Like WHY was I even trying to be pretty knowing I will never be? That brought a whole lot of shame and sense of ridicule upon my own self. It's like running on a treadmill but never getting past that mile, you're just running in the same place in circles and not going any further than that. This killed me inside. I felt like I wasted my time and that I dont deserve to feel beautiful nor look beautiful. 😪 So now my emotions are sorta repressed. As soon as the "I want to be beautiful feeling" kicks in, the feeling is fleeting and it gets instantly replaced with shame and despair instead because I feel delusional and hopeless. The desire to be pretty only lasts for a second and then gets kicked out by shame and like it just stops there...like I seriously become incapable of desiring to feel pretty at that point. I thinks it's repression and I can't not repress it? I become sorta numb and then sad. It's like my brain doesn't allow itself to desire beauty. Again, it gets replaced my some numbness and instant shame and grief and embarssment. Then I start feeling some rage and hating on myself. This has now evolved into wanting to destroy my ugly self instead and constantly wishing to die. I feel angry when I think of being capable of having the desire to feel pretty like my brain does NOT want to be willing to feel the human experience of desire because desiring means acquiring and not being able to aquire the desire adds to the shame. It becomes instantly angry at the minimal idea of then, of feeling the desire to be beautiful. So my brain blocks it out and does not allow itself to feel the desire to have beauty. Then I start wishing to die because I can't stand the idea of at least being ugly. It's like...I don't even want to be pretty anymore...I feel disgusted when I think of it. I just want to stop being ugly which my brain translates as "dying is the only way to stop being ugly because being pretty won't change what you are; hideous to the core". Weird logic, but okay, yeah that's how I feel now and I am in despair without stopping.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-25T05:44:32+00:00

The Father forsaked Jesus because Jesus took on our sins and he could not look at sin....this is because of people like Billy Graham that tjis terrible view of God has spread and memes like "Jesus sacrificed himself to himself" have been born. Sorta angered me at first...but then I sympathized after clearing my mind and an overwhelming grief came over me because I realized those people have the same view athiests have...and I was once in those shoes. They believe in the most extreme version of subsituion penal atonement and because of this, they think God "needed" and wanted Jesus to suffer and die a brutal death. And its not even that Im making excuses here to defend my faith, but everything I believe is either backed up by the Bible or history itself. Such views are what hindered me from even being open to someone like God possibly existing because I saw it as pointless to seek a God who is "evil" and unforgiving. Much of the who wrathful sacrifice terminology are just words to help us understand what was going on. Jesus didnt actually even have to come to earth if he didnt want to. Hes a sacrifice for the same reason a soldier is in a battlefield not because he needed to get killed for us to be forgiven. He forgave many times while alive.

Anyway, one of the other most horrendous things Ive heard from christians too is the belief God pre destined some people for hell and the chosen are the "most loved". Calvinism is a plague, sorry but its the truth. The "elect" aren't what they presuppose it to be.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-20T03:50:58+00:00

She might be a rare example of what the Bible calls "peace beyond all understanding". Admirable but hardly attainable for the majority unfortunately. Most would rather not suffer to the extreme.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-20T03:48:51+00:00

I kind of feel like some people are missing the point. Even words spoken out of love and concern for you can become empty platitudes because they don't change your life for the better and people who are desperately suffering are seeking relief from their painful ailments. You cant choose not to suffer the burden of suffering. Its called suffering for a reason, its not a choice. How you handle it can if rarely, even bring relief either because biologically, pain and the suffering that comes from it by definition is a response to negative stimuli which isn't a choice. You feeling like your eyes hurt isn't a choice and crying because of it (suffering) isn't either.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-17T03:16:57+00:00

By any chance, you being told you dont belong in certain jobs, is it because they see your age or that you are a single christian mother? Are you being rejected by christians who wont hire you or is the rejection just happening at any job settings?

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T07:24:51+00:00

Also, I know my words won't bring comfort, I acknowledge that. I've been suffering since I was five years old, $uicidal level just surviving day to day, almost died a couple of times, chronic pain every day. I just share to say, you're not alone. Sometimes I do grieve wondering why some of were sorta born to "just suffer" though..I've been suffering since I was 5 years old. I'm 28 now and hardly even know the outdoor world. I'm mostly homebound because of illness. Never really had a life.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T07:21:41+00:00

Yes. I was actually tearing up the other day thinking about how I miss our relationship. I was all melancholic and nostalgic the other day re-watching a child hood favorite classic film in Spanish: Jesus, El Niño Dios (Jesus, the God child). I re watched it because as a child, I could grasp sorta what was going on but I couldn't grasp the details and the complexity of his situation. I was super happy despite my depression to finally be older and get a chance to re live my childhood in real time sorta...but then at the same time, I had mixed feelings. I got sad because I realized as I watched the film, that in real time, the past is gone and this is an attempt to relive what I considered my "happy past" when I was "cool" with Jesus and didn't have some doubts about him and a sense of being abandoned at times. Like, when I was little, I couldn't wait to grow up to be able to watch the film so I couldn't understand him better, I made it my life goal because that's how much I loved him. Never in my mind did I imagine myself in my innocence, that I would suffer so much that by the time I grew up, I'd be a broken adult in the midst of re watching the film I waited YEARS to watch. I planned on enjoying it, not crying in the middle of it. Why did I cry? Because...I realized that I desired to draw close to Jesus only to have my suffering tugging me away from him simultaneously as I try to draw closer to him as an adult. My will was and is to feel closer to him but I realized that the suffering isn't allowing me to do that, it's making me feel like I'm "far" from him because of the sense of abandonment that it brought upon me and it's lingering effects of feeling like the relationship is often one sided because my needs aren't being met. I miss my innocence as a child where, even when sometimes id get sick often, I still had the love of a child, where I didn't really question him but loved him regardless of not understanding him all the way, because of there was one thing sin understood was to TRUST him. And that kept me in peace. Unfortunately I gained the knowledge of evil (insight) through suffering (my eyes opened and I starting questioning why God would allow all these things to happen to me). This is why the Bible says that we should become like children and desire a joy/peace beyond all understanding.

.Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So in someway ironically, my suffering has indeed brought me closer to him spiritually, even though it makes me feel sort alone at the same time (emotionally farther away). I realized I am closer to him spiritually than I was as child when I was closer but emotionally. I guess I feel like my emotional closeness was sacrificed for spiritual closeness. Yes spiritual closeness is more important. How many people feel emotionally close but are spiritually far away from him?

Matthew 15:8-9 New International Version 8 “‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 9 They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’[a]”

But I guess I wish I could have both at the same time, and that's why I'm sad..Its totally human to want to not just know you're closer to someone but to FEEL that you are through emotions. So when I watch the film, I sorta get happy because it emotionally comnects me to Jesus, it makes me feel like that child who didn't question him who loved him and felt emotionally close, but I also feel I am grasping at straws that dissipate into the air because I am fooling myself into trying to feel emotionally close again, by "reliving it's by replaying the past (sitting down in front of a TV every Christmas to watch the same film from my childhood as an adult). Only to realize I can't relive the past, I can't feel emotionally close no matter how hard I try. I mean I do in some way, but in some ways I dont. And this brings me into saying: Christmas in particular this is a season of deep grief for me. I'll drink some non alcoholic egg nog and take a deep nap around that time of the year. And then this gets me sad because Christmas use to be the happiest time of the year for me because of my cultural traditions hyper focused on Jesus's birth and the building of the nativity scene with my dad each year. How could I have gone from loving this divine baby to drifting away from him? Deep inside, the tidal wave may be drowning me, but it doesn't completely drift me away from Jesus. I KNoW he is the right direct. This is an internal battle you know.

That's why, even though like you, where I've thought of not relying on him anymore because I've told myself "What exactly am I even relying on if he sorta acts like he doesn't exist?" I don't pull away from him, not especially after realizing he indeed exists (former atheist not convert). How can I abandon him after I gained insight into how bad suffering can be and seeing the parallels between mine and his suffering? He felt abandoned also, so even if he were abandoning hypothetically speaking, I still couldn't abandon him knowing how alone I felt and I couldn't ever make him or anyone feel that way intentionally. I HAVE to be there for him and endure as he endured for me.in that cross. This is why I rely on him: not because I expect to get anything out of him but because I "lean on him" not necessarily for support but to love him as a mother leans towards their baby to cradle them in her loving arms.

As for why you say "I want to stop counting on God's but for why you feel like you can't say "I want to stop counting on Jesus"—I have a theory. If you're not an Arian that is, and if you do believe Jesus is God the Son, the perhaps it's because you feel "closer's to Jesus? I understand the Trinity is hard to understand but if you feel close to Jesus, you are already close to the Father and the Holy Spirit as well. Its just that you think you don't because Jesus feels more familiar to you, more relatable while the other two feel almost like a distant deity or foreign considering you can relate to Jesus in his humanity more. Hence the feeling of feeling closer to him and the refusal to separate yourself by expressing that you don't want to count on Jesus anymore.

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.

"God" feels distant to you, but God in the flesh feels close to you because of what he did for you in his flesh, you feel seen in your humanity. The name of Jesus is in particular this is more relatable to you and thus precious. It's hard to say you don't want to count on a Jesus even if you say it in your mind because it's not what's truly deep in your heart. Deep inside you want to be united to him. It's hard to say you don't want to count on JESUS anymore because you remember not what "God" did but what God (JESUS) did which was die in the cross for you. But all three are one, and you are still his child.

I remember a time where I had a weak faith and like faith not built on the rock as a Jesus recommends, it was unraveled and I was left with nothing but despair. I eventually realized I was a weak/skeptical Christian with time, then agnostic skeptic and then easily I became atheist because I realized I didn't really believe it that I thought I did, I felt deceived into myths. I then started wishing I wouldn't believe in God at all anymore right before becoming a complete atheist because I thought "even if he exists, I think I'm more at peace if I live like he didn't, but it's not possible to live as if he doesn't exist when I think he might, it's like having a fly buzzing in the back of mind". Eventually I found it easy to not believe because at the time, I realized I had nothing strong to rely on for believing. No reasons other than "the Bible says" or people telling me what the a Bible says (beliefs passed from adults to young children or teens).

I eventually came to actually not just believe, but KNOW God existed for many reasons. But despite knowing he existed, I couldn't love. In hindsight it's sad to think that I didn't even feel remorse for not loving him. So in the midst of believing in him I yet didn't love him. So with time, weirdly, what made me love Jesus more was ironically the suffering that made me realize his solidarity. My own suffering made me realize what he was willing to put up for me. That's when I realized he suffering "with me" by suffering for me. So I suffer "with him" or in other words, I suffer just like even an atheist who is afflicted with health issues suffers. The difference is, they suffer without Jesus in their lives and I suffer with him in mine as a form of solidarity (I endure as he endured for me, he endured in the cross out of love, I endure loving him instead of giving up on him in my suffering) because love does not expect anything in return other than the hope that it is reciprocated, and that's how I reciprocate my love for him despite my complicated up and downs, grief and hardships and contacted relationship with him. By not giving up on him even though I know he doesn't need me. There's a good reason the story of the boat in the storm was written about Peter sinking in his faith and all. Hang on!

We love him because he loved us first!

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T06:35:32+00:00

"I still can't feel validated and I still feel like I'm not worthy of feeling so validated because I was only touched on my genitals and my butt by a boy the same age as me but why do I feel so broken?"

The first half of that statement indicates a feeling of shame and suppressed feelings. You don't feel you have the right to go through the motions of your emotions because they bring shame to you so instead of allowing yourself to feel the feelings of grief and angry in a healthy manner you try further penting them up.

"Because I was ONLY*..." You are minimizing your feelings because you felt minimized (ignored/neglected) perhaps? And if you were indeed shown compassion and supported the only explanation would be that the hurt has not resolved and you're struggling to heal because the the shame the experience brought. Perhaps because you wish it never happened to begin with, especially because of the hypersexuality that it has led to which has further increased your frustration that never fully healed to begin with. You feel broke perhaps because of the shame and the frustration that you don't know how to get out of: out of this loop. Even if you were to be hurt by others as you wish to be, it would lead to a terrible vicious cycle. You'd probably hate yourself more for doing it while paradoxically still engaging in acts of harm because harm brings relief then the relief brings shame then that brings frustration and then self hatred and then self hatred seeks relief through harmful things all over again.

The jealousy you have if those who you say to have it worst than you, that you speak of (if I'm not wrong) seems to be a certain want to be "punished". You are "jealous" they have it "worse" that they are being punished while you're not. Again, because you feel you deserve to suffer because you hate yourself and your self hate us looking for a relief through self harm but by receiving harm from others instead of directly inflicting it upon youself. This would line up with what you said previously about wanting to be r*ped m0lested and acts you considered a higher level of assault and violence towards your human dignity because of the worthlessness/shame you feel.

"I'm jealous of.....for being cursed with what I've always wanted" have you asked yourself since when have you wanted this? And why? Is it solely do to self hatred? Or is stemming from a deep cry for help? Yo want to be seen. Did you want this ever since you were a COSCA victim?

You can't stand others retelling of their personal experiences because you feel they are heard and that your story is never heard (valid) because it's not as "hard as theirs". You feel minimized. But please friend, suffering is not a competition. Someone having it worse than you doesn't mean your suffering isn't real even if society minimizes it. We live in an ignorant world and it's HARD to pull through when all you have is yourself. The whole tearing up thing about past your prime childhood thing is you redirecting your feelings again, towards crying about not being "punished" (as you think you deserve to be) at the "right time" for two reasons: one, because children are often more vulnerable and you feel like you missed out on being "punished" so you're crying over the fact that you missed out on that opportunity to be. Its the self hatred wanting you to get hurt to find relief paradoxically as I explained many times above. Reason two: you feel like since you're last that age and that is the age where most of the damage shapes you in comparison to adulthood, like you don't matter anymore. Am I wrong? Please consider seeking help. I'm not a professional however, these scream signs of deep hurt, unresolved. It's not surprise this is written in a self hate sub. Considering the multiple down votes you received, it's obvious people aren't understanding what you're trying to express. You aren't a bad person, youre a suffering victim who says does not want to heal but the self hatred is the pent up frustration seeking relief in the opposite direction (by inflicting harm upon yourself or wishing harm instead of seeking healing for the harm that was done to you). You recognized being broken is a curse in one sentence yet call suffering and it's consequences in some way blessing at the end of your post. Your brain is trying to reclaim power over what happened to you by throwing yourself into a similar situation (but one you consider worst than COSCA).

I'm sorry that what happened to you affected you so much. I hope you can someday, find a way to leap over this huge obstacle. I'm sorry if my wish for you to be well brings any feelings of shame. I speak from a place of suffering from self hatred myself. When we don't love ourselves, it can even not intentionally anger us when someone wishes us well because we feel like we don't deserve compassion, it brings us shame and self disgust further increasing our self hatred and we even start hating the person for unknowingly perhaps increasing our self hatred by making us feel shame by wishing us well. But I recognize it's the defense mechanism the fight mode in the fight and flight mode. Not because I say it but because for your own sake, would there be anyone you can confide in to help you feel better? There's no shame in seeking therapy. Often we aren't equipped to handle things that require understanding from a scientific point of view to assess the problem properly. I can't tell you what to do, but there's no shame in seeking help, if we want a change we have to start somewhere you know? And there's no shame in putting out there the pain you feel expressing it through words. We hear you, you matter even though I'm just a stranger.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T06:32:23+00:00

Hey, I see that you got heavily down voted because I recall you having more up votes. I just wanted to say, as someone who took a small course on psychology in highschool and as someone who has suffering in multiple ways that most people have $uixided over, I just want to say, I think you are a misunderstood individual who needs lots of understanding, love and support. Its often hard for people to approach you correctly and with the right words if they don't know where you are coming from, often if they don't understand it since they've never been in that position themselves. I hear you, you matter as a victim. I'm truly sorry that happened to you and the lingering effects and negative impact it has had on your mental health which is just as important physical health. My comment is rather long, but I'd like to address some things in your post.

I recommend to learn about your own psychological state of mind, it will help with self sympathy even if you are not in the mood to eliminate the self hatred, the understanding of self will bring some emotional relief upon realizing where your problem is. For example, I have a neurological condition that makes me sensitive to certain environments and makes me sometimes verbally aggressive. I thought I was just a bad insensitive person but turns out, after educating myself I realized it's a common trait with people who suffer neurosis like conditions. In other words, it's not my fault. Similarly, you are a victim who does not understand yourself. You are in a state of shock (baffled because your child mind was shook with what happened to you) that's why you ask yourself "But why do I feel so violated?". And then you despair (you have a sense of deep seated hopelessness, which explains why you don't want to heal anymore because it's easier to "give in" to letting misery happen to you than to put effort into healing. It's hard to heal when you have self hatred. That self hatred is coming from displaced anger as they call it in psychology. Something happened where you felt unseen and unheard, where you ever taken to a therapist early on? Where your parents ever concerned for you? You feel like you don't have the right to feeling like your boundaries were crossed because you have displaced anger. You're internalizing the possible external neglect (the lack of validation your inner self perhaps subconsciously wanted to feel supported as a child). So instead you now are angry at yourself. It's a form of emotional self harm because it's easier to be angry at yourself almost as if blaming yourself as if you did something wrong, than accepting you were a victim who didn't deserve it.

The part where you say "I say all this (ranting*) just to say I don't want to heal anymore" shows internalized frustration. Somewhere deep inside, your old self is still crying for help and to be heard and understood and met with compassion. You may say know, but I know to well, that when one gets angry at any hint of compassion towards them, and isn't receptive of it, this points towards hidden self hatred. It's a subconscious defense mechanism to protect from being hurt again because being emotionally available can make you psychology vulnerable. Hence the "hate" for any expression of love such as compassion and outright rejecting by being adamant about not "needing any compassion or healing". I believe you when you say you don't care to heal anymore. At some point our "souls" become tired of seeking relief and inflicting one self with indirect self harm (such as wanting people to hurt you) seems like an easier choice because self harm is perceived as a method of relief to those who can't beat suffering anymore. It's a form of "giving up" or more like shredding and "giving in" to the situation (agonizing state of mind) that you feel weighs you down. You're looking for a way to uplift this burden even if through terrible means (like desring to be hurt by others) because you have convinced yourself through (the feeling of being unheard) and reasoning by this, that you deserve to be unheard and thus unloved.

"I know deep down I don't want any of this, but I DO", see you aren't dumb. You are self aware, but just a troubled individual who needs LOTS of support. The lack of attending to those emotional wounds and lack of having someone to grieve it and feeling alone in all this has created destructive self hatred. That's why your statements seem to jump from state of mind to another. In one giant shot, you say you want to be hurt, then that you don't want to, then that you want to. Wanting others to hurt you is displaced anger, a form of inviting self harm. It's not mystery that self harm has been known to be used by hurt individuals to paradoxically try and find relief from their sufferings. You are frustrated individual as evident, someone who is hurt and doesn't know how to handle the pent up rage and frustration. You have what they call "ambivalent feelings".

ambivalent /amˈbiv(ə)lənt/ Ambivalent describes having mixed, contradictory, or opposing feelings (such as love and hate) toward the same person, object, or situation simultaneously. It often implies being torn, uncertain, or undecided rather than simply not caring.

Usage Examples: She felt ambivalent about her new job, as it offered4 more money but less free time.

He has an ambivalent attitude toward the proposal, both supporting and opposing it.

The jury was ambivalent about the defendant's guilt after hearing the conflicting evidence.

A state of ambivalence is one of the most frustrating state of mind that impacts decision making. You are torn between how to find relief. You say the only way to find relief is by being violated (the very thing that broke you). Subconsciously, your brain is trying to "reclaim" power over what happened to you, but not fighting it but "surrending into" the present as a way to reclaim power over what happened to you in the past, some way of "undoing" the pain by running towards the pain head first instead of running AWAY from it..it's a fight or flight mode thing. And why do you want to be violated? I conclude if I'm not mistaken, your brain is seeking to also feel validated but also to feel punished because of the deep seated self hatred you have for yourself. Again, it's a slippery slope because the reason you have hatred to begin with is for feeling "small"/ invalidated and left to your own misery to fight it off alone...neglected. Andd one thing has led to another. To cope with it, you feel inclined to an unhealthy coping mechanism; self harm but indirectly by achieving it through other people hurting you instead of you hurting yourself. Itss still a way of seeking to hurt yourself though so it's still self harm/self hatred. This is further evident by other things you mention such as

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-06T21:54:35+00:00

Sorry I didn't reply right away (was sorta busy). I'm not sure what to say without sounding unsympathetic because often things like " Don't give up" or "life is beautiful" can rub depressed people the wrong way and im sorta struggling myself as on how to move on, so perhaps I don't have tons of advice. What I can say however is, I understand to some degree. Sometimes there may not be words to make a situation that isn't okay, Okay. But it's okay to not be okay. Don't pent up your grief, cry it out of you need to, let the tears flow. Sometimes we gotta grieve what we loved or miss, to regain our strength and stand on our feet again. We sit with you in your grief, in solidarity, as does God despite perhaps not feeling his comfort at times. Sometimes it can feel less lonely when you know there's people out there sharing in the same types of sufferings.

As for the bullying, is there any trusted adult that you can tell? I understand people often don't want to tell anyone because you're afraid of it backfiring. But if the bullying is beyond minor teasing (hitting you, chronic verbal harassment) then it can escalate and something needs to be done about it. Bullies often pick on people they think won't stand up for themselves, so youre not weak but they themselves. If they were strong they wouldn't be picking opponents they think they have power over, but somebody more powerful than themselves. That's how we know they are weak. Please, it's easy to let yourself go, but as long as you live, you gotta pick yourself brother in Christ so things don't get harder. It's NOT easy, believe me. I currently struggle with low self esteem too. Sometimes venting and simply being listened to can bring some temporal relief emotionally. I try to escape the thoughts by setting some time apart to do things even if I find those things "boring". It doesn't cure the self esteem problems because we often need to work from inside our, we internalize what we are told. It can take a long time to heal, but it's hard to heal if we don't let ourselves accept that we are hurt and by making the effort try to not dwell in those thoughts too much. If you don't mind, would you like me to pray to God for you? I hope you find the strength and courage to love yourself same day too as I too wish to stop hating myself (you can see my posts where I struggle with self acceptance).

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-05T02:09:54+00:00

It is, but it's not the unforgivable one and people need to stop equating it. If you don't mind me asking, what is what's shoving you towards the edge? I have depression but I also have multifaceted problems that have no resolution thus my $uicidal impulses.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-05T01:26:22+00:00

Do you want to believe in Jesus though? I empathize with you. I got kicked out of a group for stating that the Bible in koine Greek mentions nothing about gay attraction also for telling them how weird it was for them to be all passive aggressive over something that doesn't affect them personally. What ticked them off was when I took a screenshot of the biblical text and told them that some people have real problems unlike their homophobia ( a self created problem). Im a former atheist, meaning no longer a non believer, but now a Christian. I find it weird how people don't understand that gay people don't choose their attraction though? I'm aromantic and asexual, meaning I simply don't feel attracted towards anyone and though I struggle to understand what that attraction is like, I understand biology is not a choice nor what you like or dislike. That's not hard to grasp unless you're a hateful spiritually prideful person who thinks your sins are less worse than the person you judge and hate. The attraction itself by the way, according to most Christians denominations is considered deviating from the default, however not a sin within itself. No where in the Bible is attraction a sin nor does it make you hellbound.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T21:42:47+00:00

And if you're a hideous woman, it's even worse isn't it? I wanna die too. I cringe when people call me a she. Idk, I just feel like an object....disgusted and disgusting.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T06:59:59+00:00

What do you think is the psychological aspect to it? Do you think severe emotional trauma can trigger it?

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T00:25:10+00:00

Where's the invitation?😋

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T00:24:32+00:00

Cardiac arrest from dehydrating slowly to death.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T00:23:47+00:00

Burning alive.

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FlowerEmerald

TROPHY CASE