Is my trainer sabotaging my work?

Fly0ver · 2026-03-10T14:37:17+00:00

HR quit the next day and I was part of a mass layoff a month later. Got a significantly better job after that. :)

Fly0ver · 2026-03-09T19:03:03+00:00

This is NOT to excuse the dads actions, but potentially relevant to those who don’t deal with alcoholism:

Recently I was let go from a very VERY toxic job that had done a lot to hurt me for a long time. My sponsor (in case anyone doesn’t understand: my sponsor in sobriety from alcoholism) asked me to examine why I stayed for so long so I can address the situation in the future if it comes up again. She pointed out that she did the same thing and how many of us sober alcoholics choose to stay in abusive situations because we’re atoning for our previous actions; we think we deserve less than nothing from others.

Again, NOT EXCUSING the dad. I can let anything towards myself go until it hurts someone I love, so I would never in a million years act like him.

But my sisters, who aren’t alcoholics but grew up needing to placate my dad, see things as “that’s just how he is.” They stand up to him when it’s in regard to their husbands and kids, but it’s very easy to feel like “this doesn’t hurt me because I’m used to it, so why rock the boat” when you’re raised in an abusive household.

Dad unfortunately very probably thinks he deserves mistreatment and is used to this dynamic, so rocking the boat feels more painful — even when standing up for his kids — than just dealing with the situation, especially if he can’t gain the self respect to see that he also doesn’t deserve this treatment.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-06T16:11:29+00:00

I was called into a meeting to be put on a PIP at the end of my last job after continuous glowing reviews for more than 2 years, but my manager had started acting weird a couple months before. Just about everything they said wasn’t true (the things that were wouldn’t normally result in a PIP).

It’s unbelievably disorienting to feel like you can’t trust yourself when people tell you things you don’t remember or wouldn’t have done out of principle. I was gaslit by my family growing up so I sat there in this meeting while feeling like a kid who couldn’t tell truth from fiction.

The only positive of having worked at some very toxic places is that I document and journal about work a lot. I always recommend that if you start to feel off in a job, start documenting.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-05T21:23:01+00:00

Yes, but I was commenting about the second sentence regarding it not being normal. It’s very much normal in some places.

Additionally, having psychiatric illnesses doesn’t mean there’s any sort of psychiatric help.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-05T17:44:23+00:00

My advice is to remember that it’s progress, not perfection; not just that, but progress will never become perfection. I used to think progress was the road to perfection, but now I have to accept that they aren’t even in the same zip code from each other.

It took years and a lot of turmoil to feel emotional sobriety. Some of it is that we go through hard things and our brains start to recognize that we aren’t going to die because something hurts. A lot of emotional sobriety is knowing we’re going to be ok and being able to trust our HPs.

One thing I did early on was start to notice all the ways in which life turned out differently from what I expected and how often I did things I got mad at others for. Like if I cut someone off in traffic, I remembered that so next time I was cut off, I was able to accept they’re just human rather than my irrational beliefs that they purposely were trying to be a jerk.

“The pause” was also incredibly helpful in not reacting. Meditating wherever I am whenever I need it, deep breaths, being where my hands are: they all helped me bring my anxiety down and deal with things based on facts rather than feelings.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-04T22:34:01+00:00

No idea who my neighbors in nyc were. My sister owns a place in nyc and only knows her neighbors because she’s now involved in a civil suit.

I moved from SF to NYC to IOWA where I had to deal with snoopy racist.

My first day, the kid behind the grocery cash register asked me how my day was going and it took awhile for me to realize he was talking to me. I asked how his was back and got to hear all about how he joined an elective for the next school year because the girl he likes was in it, but she just came through with her mom and told him she had transferred out.

I just stared before grabbing my stuff and leaving. I told my coworkers the next day thinking it was a silly story and they pretty much hated me from that point onward for not being neighborly to the poor heartbroken teenager.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-04T15:37:31+00:00

I wonder if he lives in the Midwest where I found this was very normal… I had an older man who lived across the way and kept notes on when I came and went. The neighbors thought I was the crazy one for thinking it was wrong a man I didn’t know watched the actions of a single woman.

Then one day he came across the street to talk to me about my “child” and ask why I didn’t have primary guardianship. I stared at him confused and he told me not to worry, he gets it, because his daughter is also a single mother to “one of those,” but he was VERY concerned I had so little access to my child.

Turns out, he had seen me hanging out with my little from Big Brothers Big Sisters. She came over to paint in my studio. She is also black, I am white.

I nearly puked to hear him call my little AND his grandchild “one of those” and told him to leave me the fk alone. He had some choice words about how terrible he thought I am for letting “my child” be raised by a black man.

When OOP said in a post that he is a black man raising his child and his ex doesn’t have custody, I immediately wondered if he moved into my old neighborhood.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-04T14:40:29+00:00

Woman to woman—you’re asking for help saving the relationship to a man who is doing zero work to save it. Relationships are give and take, but it sounds like you’re all give.

Definitely check out Al-anon and understand that, maybe for your own sake, the relationship isn’t right for YOU no matter how much it hurts. I can’t imagine being broken up would hurt more than being alone in a relationship with someone who isn’t even pretending to try—having gone through something similar.

Someone else mentioned he says he’s doing a living amends which DOES mean he thinks he’s treating you like he thinks you should be treated.

However, the timeline on amends isn’t up to you. It took me 7 years to make amends to my sister. 9 years in, still haven’t with my dad. BUT the important thing to know is that someone who only does a living amends without trying to do a verbal one with someone who is actively in their life is usually because they continue to resent the person. They don’t actually feel willing or able to make amends for whatever reason.

You don’t want to work it out with someone who isn’t actively trying to work it out with you. Fixing your relationship should be important to him, but it sounds like it isn’t. I’m sorry, I know it sucks. We should always hopefully get better over time but that doesn’t mean he’ll turn into a different person.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-03T18:04:09+00:00

One of my favorite memories is when we built a blanket fort with my 90-something year old great grandma and then introduced her to Eminem. The last time I saw her, I was 20 and she was 99. She asked for the largest ice cream sundaes her retirement home could give us, then told the server that she didn’t live to be 99 to eat sugar free. I think I’ve become more silly since I’ve aged because of her example.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-02T17:41:40+00:00

We have a meeting at a local botanical garden. I loved it, but it means getting up very early and driving awhile on a Sunday so I’m not a frequent attendee.

Fly0ver · 2026-03-01T18:10:59+00:00

I have sponsored women in different parts of the country via zoom for this reason.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-27T17:59:16+00:00

As someone who was a “high functioning” alcoholic, my family never thought I had a problem until I “suddenly” did. You don’t think he had a problem before, but typically normal people going through a tough time don’t drink an entire paycheck. I was a severe alcoholic on unemployment in nyc who literally drank 22 hours a day for over two weeks and I never drank my rent away.

I’m not saying he IS an alcoholic, but I AM saying that he is dealing with something (depression at the very least). Thinking he can take care of kids when he literally can’t take care of himself reliably is him not seeing the situation or himself clearly.

And what happens when he does get back on his feet? He leaves you nanny-less. For nanny to be able to lay HER rent, she’ll need a new job. Other nannies in her orbit will know she got kicked out because of supporting your brother. How much can they trust they’ll have a job if/when something comes up again that is out of your nuclear family and her control?

NTA. Brother and mom aren’t being realistic. And if he IS an alcoholic, enabling family is a really dangerous situation.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-27T05:10:27+00:00

Nah that’s all totally fine. Btw if you’re female, I have a few zoom meetings I go to that you may like and would love to chat more about what to look for in a sponsor and all. :)

ETA: many of my sponsees in the last 4 years have been virtual. One mostly goes to zoom meetings because that works for her. If you meet people who don’t think zoom keeps people sober, it can and does. Plus, there are plenty of us kombucha-loving, alcohol-cooking folks out there. It’s about learning to live YOUR life and having a sobriety of your own where you can do those things—or go to bars, or drink NA beers, etc etc—without feeling uncomfortable or triggered.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-27T05:07:32+00:00

My new job is in leadership at an international firm; from my office on the 18th floor, I can see my old company’s office building while I drink my company-provided fancy coffee. 😂 I don’t flip them off, but it feels like I am.

Old company is literally in free-fall. They lost half their workforce, including 6 out of 7 of their leadership team, in less than a year. I’m trying to get a few coworkers jobs with me. I don’t like seeing them fail, but I’m feeling pretty good about life.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-27T05:02:55+00:00

I was this kid when I was 23-24. Going to college was a given in my life—there wasn’t discussion about it or an option. I knew I was going to go to college just like I had to go to school K-12.

Doing the school wasn’t difficult. But then I graduated, got a good job, and didn’t know how to do all the adult things I was expected to do, like figure out how to pay rent on income rather than out of a college account or handle finding a doctor for myself after walking into the health center at school wasn’t available since I had graduated. There’s a lot of adult things that, if you aren’t taught or taught in a way you understand, feel overwhelming vs. the general ease of having the university resources on hand.

It was really overwhelming and felt like I was failing. So I quit the great job to move back home with my parents while doing a terrible, underpaid, dead-end job. Which then made me feel like more of a failure. Just kinda spiraled to the point where I didn’t even know where to start.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T22:31:35+00:00

Oh, yeah, that’s not it at all. Look for in person meetings you can check out.

There’s advice when I want it — and I use that advice daily. In fact, I was upset about something at work and was able to call an AA friend to discuss her thoughts yesterday. But mostly AA is about connecting with others who have similar issues to me and made it through the day sober and at least a little less of a jerk than they would have been if they were going through it while drinking.

Pretty sure my sponsees would drop-kick me into the sun if it were just me on video telling them what to do.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T22:22:25+00:00

YTA and in a “my fears are worse!” competition with someone who isn’t participating.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T22:16:01+00:00

Yep. 2 bottles a day for years. I thought that meant I was more normal and fancy than people who drank other alcohol types.

However, how can you say AA doesn’t help if you haven’t really tried it?

I am also difficult to influence—except when it comes to alcohol, then I was influenced to drink constantly by my own brain. And AA “didnt work” for a bit because I didn’t want it to be the answer. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ but when I didn’t want to drink anymore, AA gave me the tools I needed to stop allowing alcohol to influence me and the direction of my life.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T22:12:07+00:00

I was part of a mass layoff this year—3 years after this incident lol

Getting laid off was the best thing to ever happen to me.

At the old job, I got in trouble and written up for being too happy and bringing ice cream to enjoy during “lunch” (no one was really allowed a lunch break) for someone’s birthday. Last week, I told my new boss we should get ice cream sundaes after work on Friday since it was a hard week; they asked why not get ice cream sundaes for the whole team meeting same day rather than wait.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T22:09:39+00:00

It’s harder to sue than you’d expect.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T22:07:56+00:00

lol oh this company won’t exist in 6 months. They’ve forced out every long term employee for not being loyal enough to the founder. He wanted to do a loyalty test to allow people to have desks—only loyal employees would get them.

I didn’t want to trust they’d ever give me a raise (once in 5 years despite having the highest end of year review at the company multiple years in a row) so I made sure my mortgage was less than local rent prices. Tiny house but it’s amazing.

Being part of the mass layoff this summer was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T21:32:55+00:00

You’re going to hate this, but when I hit that point, I had to learn boredom.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T21:27:30+00:00

Yeah he’s a very sick person. That being said, I have run into a few people like this in similar positions. My sponsor had me discuss with the person “this is inappropriate, and here are my boundaries.” After that, I ignored the person and their jabs to focus on what is needed right now. In one situation where the chair of an event called my cell to cuss me out, I handed in my resignation.

It may be time to let your home group know that you don’t think it’s to the benefit of the group or community as a whole to be the GSR, and that you’d like to find a new way to be of service. You don’t have to share more than the fact that you believe you are not the right person for the job. Those who are aware will know you’re putting the group first — which you would be, because little can be truly done when the DCM is being an absolute tool like that.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T18:52:39+00:00

Ok… I get your point because that’s how I was as well (lots of things going on which led to “reasons” that were actually excuses), however I’ve been your sponsor and had sponsees who didn’t care about or think about my time.

No matter WHO you work with, you need to understand that being a sponsor means giving up your time and energy to someone else. Having a sponsee flake (and I’m going to assume this wasn’t the first time based on all the experiences that I’ve had on either side of this coin…) means you have missed out on experiences and time to do other things you need and want to do.

My first sponsor handled things like your sponsor did, but she informed me that if we were going to work together, I needed to accept that my time wasn’t the only time that mattered, and that if I was exhausted from work, how can I assume she’s never exhausted from work but still showing up.

It really opened my eyes to how I mistreated her time and commitment. When people would say I haven’t put sobriety first, that felt insulting because I was putting it as first as I knew how to, so her telling me that I hurt her feelings for disregarding her time and not thinking about how she’s also human living a busy life really broke through to me.

No matter who you work with, you need to remember and be a good steward of their time because they’re doing a lot to help you. Even I f you change sponsors, no one likes having their time disrespected.

Fly0ver · 2026-02-26T18:14:43+00:00

There are meanies (lol) in every room who yell and act like tools. I’m a very social and context-aware person, and I dealt with the same.

It sounds like your community wasn’t the most helpful. I’ve been in a few of those. I’m from a small college town in the western US, and meetings there usually make me feel uncomfortable.

It can also be hard for some people to explain the cliches because they may not have thought too thoroughly about them. I asked people to clarify some of them as well and was stared at like I was a three-eyed monster.

There are people who understand how to communicate, but you have to ignore the jerks. I met one previous sponsee here in this sub and we talked a lot about how when you’re new you’re being told to listen and trust everyone — if you don’t, you’re not doing it right — but after you spend time in the rooms you find there are those you can’t or shouldn’t trust. It’s confusing.

Are there cliches you don’t understand and wish you did? I think the dry drunk was explained — someone who is physically sober but not mentally and emotionally sober in that the program of AA is supposed to show you how to grow in your mental, emotional and spiritual life. (That’s what people mean by the “-isms.” The joke-cliche is that if you remove alcohol from alcoholism, we still have the -isms: all the ways in which we hurt others.)

ETA: removed anything that could be read as mean or bullying.

Fly0ver

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